Notice
BS16 and I are out doing some errands and he gets a text from his dad. Bs tells me that I have to hurry up because dad is coming to pick him up right now! This has happened a couple of times before, about 1x a month. we moved a few hours away from exH so now he just pops in and takes them to dinner whenever he's coming through town. I have not gotten notice that he wants to take the kids out once, he just shows up and expects us to rearrange everything. Another thing is that he won't come near our home. Last time it was pouring rain and he expected the boys to walk almost a mile to the park in the pouring rain to meet him. I told bs16 that he was absolutely not going to walk that far in the rain to meet his father that his father could pull up outside and he could jump in. His father relented and parked a block away and bs got an umbrella and went to meet him.
I'm really annoyed by this because how hard is it really to give me a heads up that he wants to meet the kids for dinner? Why the secretive last minute parking around the block BS. I have never withheld the kids from him, to the contrary always bent over backwards to make sure he saw them. Last time he did this I emailed him asking him to please give at least a days notice when he'd like to take bs16 out for dinner. His wife pretending to be him emailed me back telling me that he doesn't need permission to see his son.
So exH had to wait an hour while I finished my shopping, got gas and made my way through traffic. After we got home bs went around the block to meet him.
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i dont know but years ago
i dont know but years ago when our kids didn't drive, the kids mom used to come out at the car screaming like a banshee cussing like a Tasmanian devil with terretts. It wasn't healthy for the skids to see their dad treated that way or their mom doing that. the kids were always relieved when the drama was over. why couldnt she just be happy for the kid that he was going to spend time with dad and his family?
That sounds incredibly toxic
That sounds incredibly toxic and is not the case for me. I wouldn't go out and scream at him especially in front of the kids. I'm just asking for a bit of notice so bs is available and on time for dinner. Most of the time we've been out doing stuff when exH just drops in town expecting to be accomodated. It's disruptive.
It's just a way to control
It's just a way to control you and show his power, for whatever reason. I'm guessing he was that way when you were married.
If your BS tells you to "hurry up", don't do it. Tell BS that it's rude of his father to not give notice, and you won't be dropping everything anymore, and nor should BS. I'm guessing that if BS doesn't accommodate his father, he gets an earful about what a ***** you are, and how disrespectful he (BS) is, so he's trying to avoid that. But he needs to learn to stand up to his father, too.
I'm sure it's about control.
I'm sure it's about control. He's told me before that he doesn't need my permission to see his kids. I agree but since they're living with me 100% of the time then it may be good to give me a heads up. On paper he has joint custody on all fronts but he hasn't exercised it for years. He used to give notice when we lived further away and wanted to see bs for 2 weeks in the summer. I agree, I'm not going to hurry up and disrupt my schedule for his unannounced drop in visits.
That would annoy me, too.
That would annoy me, too. However, moving a few (3/4?) hours away doesn't sound super conductive to allowing them regular access to their dad.
If he's anything like most guys I've encountered, "planning ahead" when it comes to social calls isn't exactly in his toolbox. Also in my experience, teen boys tend to "forget" to pass on important information until the last possible second. Is it possible that your bs knew about these plans long before you were notified?
You didn't drop everything and run home, so your night wasn't ruined. If bs is late for dinner because those two can't communicate plans in a timely fashion, that's on them.
He's never been good at
He's never been good at communicating or planning ahead and he may have let bs know. The thing is bs16 has a learning disability and ADHD, he forgets a lot of stuff. Between the two of them planning parenting time is just not going to happen. His father knows I'm happy to facilitate visits but for whatever reason is refusing to communicate with me lately.
Let him hang. He taught you
Let him hang. He taught you how to react to his inconsiderate requests. Teach him that you aren't playing anymore. Hopefully he is resonably smart and you only have to do this once. Do not rush to meet him, respond that you are busy all day but next time he wants to see the kids, he can call ahead and preplan this.
Do not respond when he blows up your phone. Your kid is 16, cops most likely won't do much about it.
"Hopefully he is resonably
"Hopefully he is resonably smart and you only have to do this once."
Reasonably smart, I'm literally LOLing at that one. It's funny, we had to go through the court ordered parenting classes, learn all about coparenting and how it's great for the kids, communication, blah blah...how quickly one forgets. He was much better about communication with his last marriage when she was doing it all for him. Basically her and I were coparenting the kids. Now he's remarried to a different lady who doesn't speak great English so he's on his own again and back to being his inconsiderate self.
My ex did this when we first
My ex did this when we first got divorced. My answer was always “without advanced notice DD isn’t available or ready”. One time he showed up, we were still in bed as it was 8am on Saturday. He made changes after that. I don’t tolerate spontaneity.
"I don’t tolerate spontaneity
"I don’t tolerate spontaneity."
Ha, I love that! The older I get the more I feel that way too. Spontaneous bullsh*t especially will not be tolerated.
I love how your ex is trying
I love how your ex is trying to spin it on you. Advance notice does not = “permission”. It’s called common courtesy and making sure SS will even be available for dinner. I really hope one of these times you are out of town or SS is just not available. Perhaps then he will realize why you don’t just show up unannounced. I mean, most people could figure it out on their own before that situation happened, but..
You mentioned he has joint custody but hasn’t excercised it in years. It shouldn’t matter that he lives a few hours away- why isn’t there a CO with scheduled visits? No structure just causes problems for everyone, Including SS.
Our CO is pretty wishy washy
Our CO is pretty wishy washy and basically states joint custody with half of all time being shared between parents. BS is 16 now and I feel like it would be a huge waste of time and money to overhaul it now. It's annoying but I really don't want to pay $4k or more to fix the problem, plus he probably wouldn't follow it anyway.