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On pins and needles....

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 6:58pm

So, this shouldn't be a strange turn of events, that makes me nervous, but it does.

SD has just seen her mom about 5 times over the past 2 weeks. That's after not seeing her since January.

Bm of course, spoiled SD for Easter and I had to play the bad guy and tell SD that's not how most families celebrate Easter. And then BM came to SD's play both nights, and then took SD for a facial where her cousin works.

By the end of the 2 weeks and all of the visits, SD had decided that she would be open to having her mom call her twice a week and she would want to see her once a month.

SD also felt that her mom had "changed" and thought that some of her actions were "cute" and reminded SD of herself.

Well, to be fair, her mom did somewhat change some of her usual reactions. When SD had a run in with her aunt BM didn't tell SD she's too sensitive and defend the aunt. She actually talked to SD in a mature understanding way that made SD feel loved and close to her mom.

On the flip side, SD must be going through some internal drama since she has been very cuddly with me lately, and referring to me in very "mom" terms at different times. So while she is trying to open up a relationship with her mom, she is clinging to me. Strange.

So why am I so nervous? Why do I feel like this is just the beginning of more drama? I am gun shy. DH doesn't believe that BM has changed at all. He thinks that she is just acting this way to get SD back into her life, and then will go back to the way she always is.... selfish. He said that for the length of his marriage, BM would do that to him. He'd threaten to leave and she said she would change. And she would... for a while. Then she would revert back to her old self and hurt him again.

I need to put my fears aside and encourage a relationship between my SD and her mom, whom SD clearly loves and needs in her life. I am cautious right now, ... and DH and I decided we will be cautious in promoting their relationship too.

Ugh!! Smile

Comments

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 7:11pm

maybe she is clinging to you becuz she doesn't want you to feel nervous or insecure about your relationship with one another?

It is good to be cautious, if BM drops her this summer she will be in pieces.

Nemo's picture

Submitted by Nemo on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 7:12pm

It will all be okay stick!

Take it one day at a time.

****"She had his past. I have his future." The Lovely Belleboudeuse****

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 7:17pm

Thanks Stepmom2one and HeavenLeigh!

I did think that she may have felt guilty about being with her mom and how that would affect me. And I have been trying to keep up the "happy face" and encourage her and tell her how great it is that she is getting along.

She also was wondering about mother's day and what to get her mom and "what about Stick"? And I feel kinda bad for her that she has that worry now too....

You are right Heaven... one day at a time!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 5:38pm

I think you are doing the right thing, encouraging slightly and being respectful of the relationship. When her mother does the fall out again SD will remember it is you she can rely on.

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 7:26pm

She's def. worried about you, hence all the clingy ness. She knows that you are the one that is always there, you are her mom. The other lady is someone that she shares DNA with and she rarley sees. She has a desire to know her mom, who doesn't? But at the same time she knows that her MOM (you) could be hurt by this relationship. Or so SD thinks anyway.........she doesn't read your blogs here and know that you love her no matter what. We know that.....and I'm sure that you've told SD. But at the same hand it would be hard for a child to understand.

You keep doing what you do, don't worry about BM. She'll self implode soon enough and you will be there to pick up the peices, as usual.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 7:30pm

Aww Jen - thanks for taking the time to respond!

I am worried about picking up the pieces. The last time left the kid in a puddle sobbing on the floor of her bedroom (literally). Shaking and crying.

I am feeling slightly jealous (disney BM!!) Smile but also very very wary. I don't want to see the kid like that again.

But thank you for this. By the way - Cheers to Juicey! Always love a man in a uniform! Wink How was beach day?

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:12pm

Oh gawd honey, you're asking me about the beach after all you are going through? Well, the beach was cold. We went to late in the day and by the time we got there it was very windy and cold!! The baby played in a puddle for a while, the bigger kids had some fun, and we cut it kindave short which is very unlike us. But it was fun. First beach day of the year!! Smile

And I know you are worried about picking up those peices. It scares me to no end every time my son goes to his dad's because this is what I have to do when he gets home. No one wants to see their kids hurt. But you and I are alot alike in the form that we know our kids have to make their own choices about the other parent. One day that'll lead to them realizing that WE'VE been the parent there for them all along. She'll get it. Right now she's blind with disney. When she's older she'll see the truth. And that'll be another time you'll have to pick up the peices for her.

You're a lifer, like me. Smile

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:09pm

Maybe she senses more of your angst than you realize. Maybe she is really scared that she'll reach out to eggdonor, eggdonor will revert back to a pos again then when sd turns for her soft landing with you, she's scared you won't be there either? There are so many possibilities for why she is clingy...I would enjoy her attention and her affection if I were in your position and continue trying to stop that "when's the other shoe gonna drop" feeling. You have always given her what she needs and I know you will continue to do this...now you just need to make sure SHE knows that you will be at her back even when she turns around to get the love she craves from her egg donor.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:17pm

BBB honey- thank you for answering and for the support. You have been in my thoughts a lot lately and I have been wondering how you are doing....

It is sad to think that SD could be scared I wouldn't be there for her.

I know you are right. I should just enjoy this and stop thinking about the "what if's"!! Smile You have said what DH has said as well.... just to keep reassuring SD that we will always be here for her whether her mom is or isn't. I have to remind myself of this ... I should print it out and read it every day! I think it would be common sense, but I know in my heart that situations with BM and BM's family have given SD reason to doubt that we not do as they have done.

Thanks for the reminder.... Smile Hugs girl...

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:19pm

Whenever you need a reminder, you know where to find me;) and similar to what bb said below, welcome to motherhood dear Dirol

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:22pm

Thanks BBB! I will come looking for you! I read you guys more often than I post responses lately, that's for sure! Although I thankfully have missed a lot of drama it seems.

... And coming from a real bio Mom... Your "welcome to motherhood dear" means a LOT to me!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:16pm

Stick, I think she's scared but she is hopeful. I'm not sure there's anything you can do but wait, and be there to pick up the pieces. Sadly, this is kind of one of the honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship. You're right, there's probably drama coming. This is a sucky thing about being a parent: parents are for taking for granted. The ones that are always there for you, that always have that invisible safety net out for you -- you don't even see it most of the time. But she will see it when BM screws her again and she lands in your safety net.

Congratulations, Stick. You're a mom. Because you're the one she goes to to feel safe. The one she KNOWS she can count on.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:21pm

Belle! My friend! I saw your post about your youngest SD saying that you are more of a mom to her than BM. How sweet and nice. I know you truly deserve that. It is nice to see you get the recognition.

I also know that you are speaking from experience here.

I am hoping that maybe this time, BM has learned her lesson. I'm hoping that DH and I are wrong, and yet scared that if we are wrong, we will "lose" her! Isn't that funny? I am afraid of "losing her" to her mom?

I have realized that I have actually come to feel more maternal toward this kid that I ever thought possible.

And I have you ladies to thank for helping me get there! (hugs Belle)

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 8:29pm

Stick, I totally understand. I am constantly monitoring my feelings toward YSD. Because I want to make sure tat i don't develop too much of a selfish interest in her, for fear that my own emotions will get in the way of hoping that she and her mother will eventually have a better relationship. Because in her case, having been abandoned by her birth mom, and now all but abandoned by "B"M, she has so many issues with mother figures. I know she can't simply "transfer" her desire to be loved by a mom from BM to me; if her relationship with BM is severed, that won't be good for her. Almost any relationship is better than nothing, I think.

I hope your BM has learned her lesson, too. My guess is, not completely. But maybe we can hope that she's made some progress -- that it will get marginally better, and little by little, things will approach a relationship that adult SD and BM can work with.

Hugs, Stick!

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 04/09/2010 - 6:46pm

DPW - Thanks for responding. You are so sweet and it means a lot to see "the girls" again. I know that you are right about letting SD know I don't expect her to "pick one mom".

There is room for everyone!! It's just that I would rather BM's room be a closet with a chute that leads her to the dumpster!!! ha!! (I know, that's bad... I'll take it back... kind of.... hmmm... maybe tomorrow)

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***