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SS Spring Break

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 12:14pm

DH is picking up SS9 for spring break today. He will be with us until Easter Sunday. If I am being honest, I'm nervous about the visit because we never know which SS we are going to get; the "comfortable happy one", the "argumentative cocky" one, or the "scared, crying, I miss my Mom/GF" one. 

For the past 3 visits and since our court battle ended last year, BM has been sending SS with a perfume covered stuffed animal, as a "comfort" to remind SS of BM and GF when he "misses them so much he can't handle it." This started after a great two week visit with us last summer where SS admitted to BM and GF that he barely missed them or thought about them at all during the whole visit. Hence, the arrival of the dreaded stuffed animal. Well this stuffed animal had certainly lived up to its purpose because for the last 2 visits SS sat crying in his room, while sniffing it most of the days. I told DH that enough is enough. People have been telling us to wash it or email BM and say that it is causing SS or our dog to have allergic reactions. I told DH that BM will just ramp it up if we talk to her about it or tell her to stop sending it. SS wants it too and we don't want to hurt him, but the damn PAS attempts... If BM knows something bothers us or is working to make SS uncomfortable with us, she works double time to ensure it continues or increases. DH and I came to a conclusion that SS can have it only at bedtime that way it does not disrupt our day to day activities, but still provides him with whatever type of sick "comfort" he needs at night. SS can't be mad and it won't lead to BM reigning hellfire on us as retaliation for combating PAS. During the day, it is put away where he can't access it. I'm not going through a week of SS9 crying because he misses his Mommy and GF.

Honestly, I had hoped BM would forget send it or SS wouldn't want it since he just turned 9, but I was wrong. DH called me after pick up and said SS has a new stuffed animal with another awful perfume. DH said he couldn't tell if BM sprayed SS or the stuffed animal. Talk about territorial much. It's like she's claiming SS as "mine" through scent. 

BM also wanted DH to confirm the pick up location for Easter Sunday because BM's brother will be picking up SS... heaven forbid BM actually tries to parent and does the 8 hour round-trip drive to pick up SS. DH told BM that we could not confirm pick up location because we don't know what our Easter plans are. SS will either be at our house or my parent's house but that's irrelevant. BM was mad that we couldn't give her a firm location, because it's "not fair to her brother to not have a firm location a week in advance" and DH told her "Per the court order, we don't have to confirm locations with you a week in advance. I will let you know the morning of Easter if the pick up location changes, which should be plenty of time to notify your brother since brother picks SS up at 3 pm." 

I'm so sick of this woman and her petty games and need for constant control. Anyways, let the week begin... 

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 12:46pm

Ugh, I well remember the anxiety about which SS we were getting for visitation.  I agree that the stuffed animal goes away until bed time. Also that something should accidentally spill on it so you have to wash it. Or the dog accidentally gets it and tears it up. You pick its method of demise.  Maybe start a thread for ideas!

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:19pm

I wish. My dog doesn't chew on anything, even dog toys. SS knows this. I think we are just going to give it to him at bedtime and withhold it during the day. If something seems off, SS will notice and tell BM. He's very intuitive about that kind of stuff. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:20pm

I totally think washing it is fair, if the smell is strong. You aren't obligated to let smelly things come into the house with SS.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:43pm

Sorry, we HAD to wash it, it was making dh vomit... He never could strand cheap perfume... 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 12:58pm

Yeah, no. 

You CAN say to BM:  sure the stuffed animal comes but the cheap perfume is not coming into our house. It gives everyone an awful headache.  

I hope this stops before your ss becomes a teen. His mom will spray his clothing next. Mark my words. True story Wink

 

 

 

 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:16pm

Right! Like the kid is 9. I think he has aged past the point of needing a stuffed animal or his Mom's scent for comfort. It's just weird. 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Submitted by ExhaustedByItAll on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 11:07pm

It's a strong PAS tactic. And so if you say not to bring it, more will come. Totally agree with washing the stank off of it though. Just yuck.

SStween still brings his baby cuddly nightlight that plays lullabies and a baby stuffed animal (like one that is made for babies that BM got for him when he was a baby). He has to bring these to school since we pick them up, does she not realize he's going to get bullied for this at some point?? Also not this last Christmas but the one before she sent the kid with a 200 page photo album- all pictures of her, not even him and her, just her. He sat here on the couch a few days sobbing flipping through this album. DH told him he had to keep it in his room along with the baby toys. He knocked it off after a few days. It's just sick, if we say anything about not bringing these things then we would be accused of alienation! 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:15pm

DH joked that he was going to buy SS a jumbo stuffed animal and send it home covered in DH's cologne. We arent willing to play the game. 

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:45pm

I must admit the image of the child crying into a perfumed stuffed animal made me laugh out loud. 

I'm sure if the BM in my life had thought of a perfumed stuffed animal she would have done the same. We haven't had SSs for an extended period of time in over four years. Four years ago, we had SSs come stay with us for a full week. One of them - aged 11 at the time - screamed and cried each night for over an hour about how DH "hates my mom" and "hates my family" and accused DH of trying to access his tablet when it was taken away at 11pm. SS also called BM daily and begged her to go home early, but he couldn't because she was in Vegas secretly marrying her soon to be ex husband # 2 (marrying secretly because they had held a wedding ceremony without actually getting legally married 2 years prior). 
 

The BM in my life would also double down on something if she thought it bothered DH and she now has some friend drop the kids off every weekend because she is busy at "work" on Friday evenings and her "boss" won't let her leave the office (um, she's the boss at work and has only had a problem with drop off since she got a new boyfriend). Not sure who this fool of a friend is because I have only seen their car at drop off haven't gotten a good look at them. She recruited this friend to do drop off after threatening to take DH to court if he didn't agree to switch with her and do Fridays instead of Sundays.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 1:55pm

I would wash that stuffy for sure. Perfume gives me a headache, and no way would I be willing to smell cheap perfume in my own home because a NINE YEAR OLD needed a scented stuffed animal to remind him of mommy. My SDs are 5 and 8 and neither of them sleeps with a stuffy, let alone carries one around during the day. I'm having trouble envisioning a 3rd or 4th grade boy with a stuffed animal.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 03/27/2021 - 2:42pm

BM is scent marking her territory. In the animal world when two animals share a territory border and one rubs it butt on a tree, the other one overlays their own scent on that spot.

So.... buy a can of Fart Bomb Spray and gas out the stuffed animal so SS will not bury his nose in it and get all emotional more than once.  If it smells like that POS that BM is, the Skid will quickly ween himself off of that manipulative play by BM. It would be fun to modify this tactic to counter BM's scent marking the SKid with the perfumed stuffed animals.

I would make sure that DH has a garbage bag in the car on pick up and has SS deposit the stanky animal in the bag with a "That really is strong and stinks. Put in in the bag. You can have it back when I drop you off back at your mom's."  Then lock it in the trunk of the car for the entire visitation.  The only way to counter this kind of petty pathetic scent marking bullshit by BM, is to not allow it in your home and family. It stays the hell out of your home.  Send back the scent marked stuffed animal doused in Fart Bomb Spray.  No words necessary.

If she continues to send scent marked woobies to your house, return them smelling like shit.  Keep it bagged until SS gets out of hte car then have him reach in the bag to take the woobie.  My guess is SS will dump in on the front lawn and leave it there as he goes into mom's house.  Replace the fond feelings of the stanky stuffed animal with the unpleasant stench and SS will learn to gag at the perfumed version just as much as the Fart Bomb sprayed version.

Zero tolerance for this kind of crap works.  Use it.

Lather...... rinse..... repeat. 

Besides...... this could be fun!

Diablo

Good luck. 

yougotthis's picture

Submitted by yougotthis on Sun, 03/28/2021 - 12:56am

He's 9 and has to bring a stuffed animal? And one covered in his Mommies perfume? Gag. I'd be putting it away for his entire visit and giving it back when he went back to his BM's. Our Skids know not to bring crap from their mothers or it gets put away till they go back. Don't need crazy BM blaming us for her shit going missing or getting broken. Geez you'd think you were talking about a 2 year old. 9? That's nuts! 

MamaPTK's picture

Submitted by MamaPTK on Sun, 03/28/2021 - 3:43pm

Reasonable side...

Don't pay attention to the stuffed animal. It really does not matter. It's a true comfort or a game and either way you don't have to play. It really does not matter and if it bothers you then it has done its job. Dont let it. How empowering to know you are free of that silliness

Don't let it control you.

Ok my sarcastic side...

Send it home washed or with your perfume. Doesn't she want a reminder of you and daddy? 

Lolol....im sorry. My head goes there for sanity

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sun, 03/28/2021 - 6:44pm

Take a picture of him with it. Make it a big production. Tell him to pose with it so you can put it in his scrapbook for him to show his friends and future girlfriends as he gets older. Ask him questions like "oh do you think your best friend has a lamb or a tiger stuffed animal?"

Don't pick on him directly about wanting it. Just kind of fish out if he realizes this is a little young for him to be keeping up with and friends his age don't carry around lovies from mommy's to daddys. If he says he doesn't want to take the picture ask him why. If he loves it so much to carry if back and forth then he should show it off. You can also pull the "oh I found this interesting article online about comfort stuffed animals and "locked".....do you find it true for you SS since you have that one your mom makes smell like her? Or throw out statistics of how old kids are who sleep/carry comfort items and mention it in passing.