Is it just me ?
Hello
So... I am still fairly new or feel fairly new to this step parent role...I didn't know how much this role took a toll on my happiness but more recently I have been feeling so alienated and just alone . In the beginning it didn't feel this bad but now I have a child with my BF who had two other children with other women prior to me... and it just seems so complicated... exhausting ... and discouraging lately ... I use to be more patient with this whole matter but every comment that I hear that I don't feel comfortable with now really irks me ... especially with my Bfs offspring ... And anytime I try to vent to anyone ... I feel as if I shouldn't feel certain feelings or others tell me it's not a big deal ..."your the influence and they need you " but sometimes they are rude and ungrateful (or so it feels) am I alone in this ? #wordsofcomfort
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Being a stepparent drained me
Being a stepparent drained me of my happiness also. No matter how hard I tried to remain disengaged the toxic drama surrounding me was emotionally exhausting.
I totally understand the
I totally understand the emotional exhaustion ... did it ever get better for you ?! Thank you for the feedback !
Being a step parent can be
Being a step parent can be soul sucking.
I don't know your story or if you have children of your own, but if you don't I would reconsider this life.
I now have a child with my BF
I now have a child with my BF ... but I know exactly what you mean... this isn't for everyone and there have been times where I've wanted to run *cray2*!!!
HUN
By far steplife for me crushed my yearning for life. My self esteem went so low and I felt unworthy to my ex DH and Ex SD. I was made to believe that I was the problem when I was sworn at, lied about, and told me I was jealous because he told me SD is his numero uno girl.
Not sure if this is the case. Does your DH ensure you are the priority and that the skids have to respect you. Does he gaslight you and make you feel like you are the one in the wrong?
Your DH is the central figure here, the one who ensures that as his wife she is to be treated well.
Can you talk to DH about this, or does it turn into a fight where it ends up that the sky is yellow and you are wrong?
What Stepdrama2020 said all
What Stepdrama2020 said all the way. I had times when I didn't care if I lived or died my Steplife was so soul crushing.
The miniwife situation was so bad I was a heartbeat away from calling CPS. My husband would not keep his lovely XW (who cheated on him repeatedly and bore an outside child)out of our house. I was vilified abused and treated like I was crazy by everyone because I had the audacity to call them out on their dysfunctional bullshit and refused to just shut up and go along with it.
Luckily it rekt me enough to destroy my memory. If I could remember every awful thing that happened I might be getting cancer treatment in prison instead of out in the world.
If you're able to support yourself, own your own home and all do not give it up and if things are looking bad and you don't have kids between you get out because it can completely destroy your spirit.
My husband passed away recently. I feel very guilty because I don't really miss him that much. I didn't want him to die or anything but I don't miss him. He treated me awful. I like feeling safe in my house now that I don't have to deal with him and his people. I like not having to worry about everything I say, every move I make or even the look on my face anymore. My daughter no longer locks her door at night and even sleeps with it open. She can wear shorts and dresses if she wants to now.
Both of us can sleep peacefully now and just quietly live and heal.
I feel as if my BF feels torn
I feel as if my BF feels torn betweene
and his children... and he does speak up for me but there are many times where I feel I have to speak up because I feel attacked by his family and it does take a toll on him ... he has told me he doesn't know what to do each single time I feel uncomfortable ... he says the only thing he can do is bring up the problem but he makes comments such as "I'll bring it up "again " which makes me feel as if I'm being dramatic or over sensitive ... I've even researched if I was "too confrontational " but he doesn't understand how I'm feeling because these are his biological children and he has no idea of the discomfort from the comments or Whatevr gets talked about when he's not there... my Bf gets frustrated but keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me ... I just hope it's not too much one day to the point of no return
Don't let ANYBODY guilt you
Don't let ANYBODY guilt you into thinking it is your responsibility to be the influence they need or to be a mom to his kids. They are HIS responsibility to parent, not yours.
Rude and ungrateful? Your BF needs to put them in their place. There's no excuse for letting kids get away with being rude.
Nobody else gets to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. If something is getting in the way of your happiness, it IS a big deal.
Thank you ... it feels nice
Thank you ... it feels nice to know that my feelings so matter ... I know I am older than them but sometimes what they say can be a bit much to take in... and all I hear a lot "they are young... they don't know " ... or even "you know what you signed up for " but in reality I didn't know it was going to be this intense ...
There is no excuse for them
There is no excuse for them being rude, that is a parenting issue, not an age issue. They don't know? Again, a parenting issue and their parent should be teaching them better.
I have been with my DH since my SD30 was 5 years old. She knew better than to be rude to ANY adult, ever.
In these cases, ask yourself
In these cases, ask yourself if they would be as rude to a teacher or a policeman... If the answer is no then it's time they straightened up their game. There is no reason for them to treat you like that.
There's a huge double
There's a huge double standard for stepparents. If you try to take care of the kids and treat them like family people scold you about respecting the parents and not trying to replace the bio parent (even if you're not doing that, they assume you are)
The other side is if you hang back or don't really connect you get shamed for not "loving them like your own."
It's a loose-loose situation.
I am fully convinced that few if any people out there understand how hard and lonely this can be unless they too have experienced being a step parent.
Not saying you can never be happy, but it's a hard life and it demands a lot of you.
Oh my goodness you are so
Oh my goodness you are so right ! You described this so perfectly... I've been told "well you aren't their mom " but then "well they need a mother figure " it's soooooooo confusing and emotionally feels unstable .... like I shouldn't get too close but close enough ? What does that even look like ? I've literally been advised don't get too attached but how can I only care or invest half way ?
They don't need a mother
They don't need a mother figure, they have a mother. How old are these kids?