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Still disengaged

steppingsucks's picture

Submitted by steppingsucks on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 1:17pm

Well, I'm still disengaged, more than ever before! I still can't believe how some DH's can tolerate such bad behavior from their own kids, while chastising kids that aren't theirs. And the craziest part for me is that my DH works with a lot of troubled young people, so you think he'd know better.

Anyhow, for those interested in disengaging, this is what I do:

- SS9 wets the bed and leaves soiled clothes all over his room = SS9 keeping his door closed with a towel under it

- SS9 is 2 grades behind at school, but DH says he's doing fine and does no extra work with him = Me focusing on BS15 and BD2's education

- DH talks about BM, SS9's appointments, etc. = Me changing the subject quickly

- SS9 starts whining, crying, and/or a tantrum = Me taking BD2 in another room to spend quiet time with her away from the drama

- SS didn't bring home his Summer homework for kids who are way behind in school = Me ignoring it / That's DH's job

- DH wants to go out to an event or restaurant with SS9 = Me saying "no thanks, but you can go to spend quality time if SS9 if you want"

- DH blaming me for things and complaining about me not seeing SS9 as my son = Me stopping the conversation and finding something better to do

That's about it for now. It's hard at times, especially the smell near his room, but I have a lot more time to focus on raising my two bio-kids. BS15 has a 3.4 GPA along with doing great in sports and with good friends. And BD2 is a happy, well-mannered, talkative, and smart baby girl. Even with SS9's major issues, I am blessed with my own kids thank God.

I do sometimes wish that DH would suddenly see that because I've done a good job on my own bio-kids, I wouldn't be a bad resource and partner with his own kid. But the thing about disengaging for me is that I now see that DH will never change about SS9 as long as I enable him to do so (and probably never will), and I don't have to be a part of it. I just wish I had realized that years ago:)

P.S. On the health-front, the mass in my brain has not grown since they first discovered it, and they believe that it's not cancerous...yea!!! Besides having to monitor that for life, I'm good-to-go. Thanks for your kind thoughts in the past:)

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 2:37pm

I wonder if these men think we are trying to point out what losers their kids are and in turn what appalling parents they are.
When in actual fact we are TRYING to make these kids on par with their peers, be socially acceptable in most situations and to be good citizens, law abiding and self sufficient as they get older.
I really think that 95% of kids have the potential for normal behaviour and educational growth. It really in their parents who allow them to hit rock bottom which is very sad if you think about it.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 2:44pm

I know right? When I get pissy because DH caters to SD like she is some crippled old woman who can't do anything for herself, it's because I am looking out for her future husband/boyfriend. I mean the way DH has been treating her, she won't know how to wipe her ass herself.

And as far as SS13? The only girlfriend/wife he is ever going to get is a dirty skank who doesn't care that he is a slob and doesn't take showers for days, doesn't brush his teeth for days, never puts his underwear in the laundry etc.

I mean really... if DH wants his kids to have this future, then so be it... but I am looking out for the poor saps that are going to be dealing with them as adults

steppingsucks's picture

Submitted by steppingsucks on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 3:43pm

Right on. I've never understood it. In fact, I quickly mentioned that to DH just yesterday as he was admiring at how bonded me and BD2 were together, how well she acts, and how smart she is. I told him that it made no sense to me that he could look at how I'm raising my own kids successfully (so far), and how he couldn't see me as a resource for his own parenting of SS9. You could hear a pin drop. No comment from him, and I was done. I guess I made my point.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Submitted by Helena.Handbasket on Wed, 06/13/2012 - 5:06pm

Firstly, I'm so happy to hear the good news about the mass. Excellent!!!!

Second, sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to. Its rewarding when you start feeling good about things again and drop all of the drama.

Keep it up!!!!