Just for Clarity
Just thought I would put it out there for a better understanding of what we deal with on a daily basis. SO and BM have been divorced for nearly 6 years. She is remarried with step kids as well and treats her a am just as bad as everyone else. Jealousy goes all around in her world.
So this last Father's Day I get cards and ask the skids/bios what they want to get their dad/stepdad. I thought I would take them all out so they can pick something out together). I was told by skids that BM already got SO something. So I let it play out....this isn't unusual as she HAS to be involved in every aspect of everyone's business including her own skids and their BM.
That morning SO opens his gifts Let's just say that the gifts were VERY personal to the point that he looked over at me with a smirk. At this point he has no idea and thinks I purchased them. (One piece of the gift complimented his abdominal muscles).
Later that day in private I explained that I did not purchase them but rather BM did and that my bios were not included and felt strange giving him a card just from them so they opted not to. He was furious.
So the gift is sitting in a bag while I contemplate sending it back with a note such as 'while appreciated although no longer warranted please refrain from gift giving as we choose to shop as a family for holidays as to include all of our children, as I am sure you enjoy doing with your own family. My apologies if this was by mistake as it appears to be a gift more appropriate for your husband'.
What do you think? Send it back or let it go? My SO is behind my decision as he sits on the fence on this one. If we push back BM will step up her game or she takes it out on the kids. And if we don't she will continue as this happens at nearly every holiday although this is the first time it was taken this far.
Let me add that I was not allowed to see said gifts. Only one skid had them in possession and it was a surprise for us all. This skid is also the spy and BMs personal vendetta keeper.
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Just throw out the gift or
Just throw out the gift or donate it somewhere.
Next time holidays roll around, take the kids shopping and if they say BM already got something, you simply say "OK thats nice but wouldnt you like to choose your own gift?" and deal with it that way.
If BM brings it up just tell her the kids got him their own gift.
Its up to her whether she chooses to continue spending money on strange gifts for her ex husband.
BUT the only problem with this is, if you do this then it does need to be a family only thing. As in, if you take the kids to go shopping for your husband, then its only for your husband. Not including step father etc.
Keeping gifts for holidays as a family/household thing is fine but you cant have issue with BM sending gifts if you send gifts back to BMs.
Sorry should have been more
Sorry should have been more specific. We were not going to shop for anyone other than SO. When I said dad/stepdad I was including my bios as stepdad being SO.
We don't involve ourselves in anyone else's business including with my own ex. If my bios ask about getting their dad a gift my response is always to talk that over with their dads GF or his parents. I feel like he has a family that would want to have that opportunity and it is no longer my place.
Gotcha, I wasnt sure In the
Gotcha, I wasnt sure
In the beginning, BM sent fathers/birthday cards and gifts for my DH from SD. We simply didnt return the favour and by the time the next year rolled round BM took the hint.
Sad that communication between parents can be so bad that something so small can become petty drama but such is life in step world.
So yeah, I'd simply encourage the kids to do the gift shopping with you guys and ignore what BM sends. Not like she can take you to court for refusing gifts.
The gift itself was shitty,
The gift itself was shitty, but the lesson she is teaching her kids isn't. BMs teaching their kids to give dad's gifts, cards, calls...on their birthdays, Father's day and Christmas is a GOOD thing. That responsibility should not fall on the new girlfriend or SM.
BM should be called out on the type of gift SHE picked out, but not on taking the kids shopping for their dad.
the note you were going to
the note you were going to write is awesome BUT the BM is probably looking to get a rise out of you and cause drama. If your SO was the recipient of the gift and he is unwilling to return it himself and say its not welcomed then just donate it and let it go. I think it's his place to talk to BM and tell her that the gift was not welcomed.
for future holidays I would suggest shopping way in advance. Include all kids and let them pick their stuff out to gift, then when BM goes to do her nonsense you already have it covered. this is what I have to do with my nosey MIL and it has been working like a charm. You can also choose to let them make crafts if they aren't too old for that.
good luck!
How old are the stepkids?
How old are the stepkids? Could they possibly have picked it out themselves?
Isn't it crazy that adults
Isn't it crazy that adults have to devise ways to avoid conflict within their own family? If the relationship was that perfect it would still be intact. That is my philosophy. But for some reason people can just not let go and do what is best for the kids involved. In just our situation if you take all sides both my ex and his plus their new significant other that involved 15 kids! 15 kids that get the shit end of the deal bc ONE person cannot be a freaking adult.
And I haven't been able to figure out how to at least keep my bios free from it. I can't shield them from everything and our BM has even pulled stunts against just them. It's crazy to me. And as a mother I want to tear her eyeballs out and feed them back to her lol.
Sell or donate the gift but
Sell or donate the gift but don't send it back.
It will just be fuel for her fire. You know she will twist it to say that you are the one who is controlling, you are the one who is being inappropriate.
I agree with second generation, even if the skids say they've already bought something else, take them out anyway. Tell them it's okay for Dad to get more than one gift.
She's going to continue to buy gifts and you just continue to get rid of them. Eventually she'll get tired of spending money on items that he never uses.
Above all, never let the skids or BM see you get upset about the items she buys.
"Above all, never let the
"Above all, never let the skids or BM see you get upset about the items she buys."
But I would damn well let them see you sell it at the garage sale.
let them see "daddy" sell it.
let them see "daddy" sell it.
LOL! Some of the kids are old
Some of the kids are old enough to pick out their own gift however it was how it was given and hidden that tells me BM was behind it. And when SO told the kids how inappropriate it was after he found out they all agreed except for the gift hidder skid. Unfortunately that skid gets all BMs attention and lots of presents when she does 'good work' for her. We have tried to talk with that particular skid and show her how her actions don't benefit her but instead make her a puppet and weak we still have not gotten through. We may never which is why I don't waste the time any longer trying.
I would send it back to her
I would send it back to her husband and say "I think BM sent DH the gift intended for you."
dupe
dupe
Okay, I will venture an
Okay, I will venture an option. Send a note thanking her for the gift. I'd say something like "BM, thank you so much for the greatest gift ever! DH and I have had so much fun and pleasure from it that even I blush. Your kindness and support of our intimate relationship is much appreciated. "
Yes, I would.
I would just send it back to
I would just send it back to her in a bag with a note saying..."Oops you must have meant to give these to your husband" and leave it at that...
Drop it in the mail to HER
Drop it in the mail to HER husband with the note "We think this was meant for you on Fathers Day and some how ended up with DH's name on it".
*I am sure BM will explain it to you, just ask her about it....HOPE you had a great day, we did