Is it a lie-by-ommision?
Hit with another whammy! I am sick to my stomach. How fast all of this starts again- literally immediately when SS came back after having 10 days with just the two of us...
My FH and I have had 2 disagreements about saxaphone lessons for his son. He takes his son to piano on Monday. The mom used to have him in swimming on Weds. They shared soccer b/c practices were Fri and games on wknds (which they split). Mom recently enrolled SS in basketball on Weds, requiring him to drop swimming. She did so WITHOUT mentioning it to us until the day before his first game- we are obligated to basketball games Sat and Sun, although were not involved in the discussion about it. SS loves basketball and it is good for him, that's not my issue. It's the lack of transparency.
Last fall, FH wanted to add saxaphone lessons. I suggested that perhaps it's too much-- one, SS would be very over-scheduled. Two, I don't believe in giving kids everything they want to be involved in. Sometimes we all need to make choices- and this is a learned skill. FH and I had some arguments about it. FH desperately wants him to add saxaphone lessons b/c SS has started them at school, is so-so only, FH's father took up the saxaphone late in life and just before he died, the grandfather and SS played the saxaphones together (when SS was like 3 he apparently had a small plastic one). FH recounts this story all the time-- and the bond that SS and grandfather had that he could never share with his dad.
Just 2 weeks ago he brought it up and I suggested again that SS wait until basketball was over. I told FH that we could disagree about it, but since I wasn't even in the house on Tuesday nights and since FH and I don't yet have children of our home whom this would effect, this was a parenting decision that I didn't feel I didn't to make the final decision on.
FH did enroll him in the lessons, which start tonight, which he never mentioned to me except in a v.m. today after never finding time to talk last night. I called him as he was leaving his office to tell him I felt he was dishonest and that this was a lie-by-ommision, which he responded to with absolute and total rage. I then told him he was blind to anything that had to do with his son, which of course enraged him further. I just listened to him yelling at me about how I do nothing but make him feel like a failure, how I don't even really care about how important the saxaphone is, and how I should be excited for him and SS. He would not "hear" that it wasn't about the saxaphone lessons, per se. That he and I could disagree about it, but is that went ahead with it and just didn't tell me. I said if what you take away from our conversations is your failure, then you are not hearing me. You don't hear all of the good things I say, you don't hear how/when/why I need you, etc. He then starts calling his son "that little bastard," etc. I will not accept him calling his son things like these b/c I NEVER have spoken and would never speak about his child that way.
I am sitting in my office crying now, with no support network here where I am (b/c I work 3 hours away), I am not clear how to get out of here without encountering people in the hallway.
I wish so much that FH could hear what I say as me telling him, sometimes begging him for a partner even when his son is involved. Instead of becoming so defensive, angry, and then shutting down b/c he says I make him feel just so terrible all the time.
Is it a lie, him going ahead and making a decision like this, actually starting the lessons, without ever talking to me about it again?
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I am no expert but
I am no expert but personally I would feel that it was a lie. I can imagine my husband doing the same thing and saying well I knew how you would react or what you would say and I just didn't want to deal with that...
Well, three thoughts: 1)
Well, three thoughts:
1) This is his son, and you are not married, so it does not involve you. (If you were married, I would say that it involves you financially only.)
2) I don't know your situation that well, but if you are living with him and he expects you to participate in caring for his son on a daily basis (e.g. if he has you cook for the kid, go to conferences, take care of him when FH is not home, help with his homework, that kind of thing) then your FH is sending mixed messages, because that kind of involvement would reasonably lead a person to imagine that her significant other wants her input into this child's life -- because presumably, he would expect you to share in dealing with picking him up, dropping him off, etc. If he expects you to care for the child, but then gets angry when you try to have input, then he needs to make a decision as to which way he wants it. However, if this is not something he will expect of you, I repeat that this is not your decision. And even if he presumes you will help out, I must say that i think the final decision rests with him on this, and it isn't your place to be angry that he made a decision about his son's life that you disagree with (though it is your choice whether you want to help get him there and pick him up). It's not even reasonable for you to expect him to inform you before he made the decision, except in the case I mentioned above. I don't think it's a "lie" if the decision is his to make in the first place.
3) If your recounting of this story is honest and accurate -- "absolute and total rage" -- your FH is acting in a completely inappropriate way. If this is a pattern in how he communicates with you, I am not sure why you would want a relationship with him anyway. That kind of communication style has no place in a mature relationship. However, from my understanding of your blog, I theoretically understand why he would be upset, because I don't think the decision is yours, and my sense is that you are overstepping your bounds and overreaction about his decision.
Just my thoughts, of course.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I appreciate everyone's
I appreciate everyone's thoughts here...when SS is with us FH and I both assume caregiver responsibilities-- groceries, laundry, cooking, carpools, activity nights at school, etc. I, of course, rearrange my life and schedule to attend these things, to go to his basketball games, all of it.
We are not yet married- I did tell FH in one of our discussions that were we married and/or had a child of our own it it would be OUR decision to make in the way that worked best for our family.
I struggle b/c I perceive it as him not wanting to tell me b/c he knew I wanted him to wait until basketball was over at the end of March. And I also struggle b/c FH does want a "family," in the sense that we do all these "family" things together and I assume a certain role in the household.
His eruption to me today over the phone was not typical-- he has a lot anger and resentment towards me only when I bring up anything related to SS if it is not glowing praise about how amazing he is. I wasn't even talking about SS in this instance-- but talking about what I felt was FH's dishonesty and he somehow made it into something about his son. He seethes in these instances.
And, finally, I agree that being involved in things is good and important for kids. I don't have kids of my own yet, but I am a teacher and have worked in schools and with kids for a long time and have some sense of what kinds of things are generally good for them (knowing, of course, that each is individual). SS, like many kids I see these days, has no sense of not getting to do the thing he wants, expects that if he says he wants to do or be involved in something he will get it, takes little responsibility in these things (e.g. if he told FH he wanted to camp in Death Valley over break he would not assume he would help pack their stuff, be responsible for setting up their camp, or help bring anything in when they got home), and has never been asked to make a choice about what activity/thing is most important to him to participate in.
anyway....I am dropping the "lie" thing. I frankly don't care enough in hindsight. I feel like such shit now, have a giant headache, and still have work to finish. I would have had more respect for him in this situation if he had told me "I've thought about it and I'm not going to wait but I'm going to start SS in saxaphone. I know you think otherwise, but this is really important to me." But instead he just went ahead and did it anyway. And that I guess I don't respect.
He is already the guilty,
He is already the guilty, permissive parent.
This is why I was arguing against his son getting all the lessons and activities he wants, when he wants.
I'll cut you some slack on
I'll cut you some slack on the "over stepping your bounds" comments some have posted. I am not yet married to my fiance, but I am just as (if not MORE) involved in his daughters life as he is. I too, work with children and am educated in their development, etc. and I know that their are things I know that he doesn't and he respects that. I would be pretty upset in your situation as well. I don't know how old your SS is or how long you've been in their lives, but I feel like i'm my SD's mother, and if my fiance treated me different I would be very upset after everything I've done for her.
Keep your chin up... hopefully your SS will handle/enjoy the heavy work load.. i know when I was a kid my parents had me in everything and I turned out ok
Hope you feel better! God Bless
Hi SteppininSF, First off, I
Hi SteppininSF,
First off, I would really like us to make it a priority to get together. Even with our conflicting schedules. Second, I think your FHs reaction seems over-the-top and I wonder if the two of you shouldn't think about family counseling before making the marriage commitment. Not only are you going to have to find ways to communicate regarding your SS but one day you may find you have similar communication (or lack thereof) issues regarding children of your own.
Second, I wonder if your FH didn't realize the loop needed to be closed on this. My DH does this all the time. We have a conversation about something that MIGHT happen but in his mind once it is discussed it is done. When you say that you told him that you disagreed with the saxaphone lessons but that it was his decision since you are out of the house on the night said lessons would be held, he might've taken that as the final decision. While he still should have closed the loop on the subject matter, I'm not sure I would go quite as far as to say this is a lie by omission if this is the case.
Talk soon,
C_G
We are in therapy...which
We are in therapy...which has and is already helping us a lot. The issues around parenting/how FH parents SS and how we are even able (or not) to communicate about SS have come up. Our therapist is very careful about treading lightly in these areas that are so sensitive. It is strange- on one level I am so protective of myself and creating the life I want with FH.
On the other hand, I can step back and see where FH is coming from and emphasize with him and I am sure it is so much harder from his perspective than I have any sense of.
I think his permissive parenting comes from guilt. And from a true place of sadness of not being able to be with his son all the time. I just want to be a part of a family where people are thoughtful of one another, contribute, don't expect that individuals wants/desires are automatically going to be met, and where each member is responsible towards the household, not just their own interest. And permissive parenting doesn't foster this, nor does SS seem to demonstrate these qualities at all (despite being a nice person, largely, and interesting to be around).
Oh, FH has a few times tried to show SS he couldn't always have his way- once before we were engaged we had planned to go on a hike with the dogs. I picked up SS from the BMs house. When we got to FH's place he decided he'd rather play frisbee golf. FH tried to point out that the plan had been set and that a hike was really something that was imp. for me b/c I was working so hard on finishing my dissertation. SS kept insisting on all the reasons he wanted to play frisbee golf. When FH pointed out to him that he was being a bit selfish SS burst into tears and ran from the room. He was very upset that his dad called him selfish. I then, of course didn't want to go on a hike. We ended up playing frisbee golf. Similar incidents have happened with food choices (Thai or Indian?) on a number of occasions.
And SS is never outright rude to me- he does try to get into the front seat of the car ahead but I just remind him to sit in back. FH doesn't do anything when SS tries to sit between us (happened less and less all fall but just started again), sits on his dads lap when I am next to FH, etc.
and yes CG- I'll reply to your email about figuring out our schedules! This week is really overwhelming at work....