I've posted a great deal and replied to posts about my FH and his relationship with SS10 (his bio son)- whom he's described as "his peer." Always treated him like his partner, taken him to adult parties, SS assumes he should be a part of every conversation, etc. This, combined with the fact that SS has no responsibilities, doesn't even know how to pour a bowl of his cereal, doesn't even carry his backpack from the car- and is emotionally immature- have made for some stress since I moved in with them when we got engaged last fall.
I thought FH was starting to get it! We've begun therapy after our relationship disintegrated so fast, so quickly. It's great for us. We've been able to communicate about his son a little bit without it turning into a blow-up.
Two weekends ago we had his son for the first time in 2.5 weeks (he is supposed to have 50% custody but allows his ex to take whatever extra time she wants, to deny him time, etc.). I braced myself for being totally ignored that weekend. I also changed work travel plans so that I could be with them 1 extra day and go to SS's first basketball game, thus making the start of my work week very stressful, but I wanted to be there for that. I got no thank you for it-- but instead, when we were at the movies on Sat. they went in while I bought snacks- and when I found them in the theatre SS was in the middle seat, already curled up on his dad, who had his arm around him. They sat like this for the 3 hour movie. Then, when we were home, SS was going to bed (finally, after 11pm). FH went in to "put him to bed" (this is a 10.5 year old who is going through puberty and with whom FH gets into bed each night to read to). I then fell asleep waiting 30 minutes for him to come to bed. The next day was filled with SS activities and his basketball game and then I left for the week of work (I teach at a university 3.5 hours away M-W). I left feeling sad and angry that it didn't occur to him that not reading to his son the night before might have been nice for the two of us to have a little time together before I needed to leave town for work.
Last week was one of the two times/semester that I stay where I teach and FH comes for the weekend. These weeks we only see each other for 2 days. During last week we had to put a dog to sleep-- FH had to take care of it without me and there was so much sadness and stress at doing this and not being together. FH got here on Friday (his ex had SS last weekend). We had an amazing 24 hours. Then, on Sat. evening he started to pick a fight with me about our wedding ideas and was just being a jerk. And when he gets like this he just gets meaner and meaner. So we slept apart, I was awake most of the night, Sunday was ruined for us- I was so tired and numb I couldn't function all day (I needed to spend the day planning a course- as did he- we were going to go to my office and work together for the day). At noon, I just asked him to leave b/c I couldn't stand to be around him trying to act like everything was fine. I asked him to leave but then, of course, was so sad b/c I wouldn't see him until Thursday.
He has his son every M/T. These are nights just for the two of them- I am never there. I sometimes think he'd be almost grateful to me to have this time with SS, but instead I just sort of blocked out. So yesterday we had a 5 min check-in before an 8:30 meeting I had in the AM. We didn't talk again during the day- he was teaching or in meetings all day and I had a class at 4pm. I called him at 8pm when I was on my way home and we talked for 15 minutes and then he told me he "wanted to get back to hanging out" with SS (I believe he said he "only had 51 minutes" until SS had to go to bed). He said he'd call after he put him to bed. Over two hours later I hadn't heard back. I had done all the things I needed to- and wanted to get ready for bed. I called and FH said he was waiting for SS to fall asleep to call me (the apartment we share is very small and there is no privacy). I said I was surprised b/c SS goes to bed at 9pm and it was now after 10. FH said he did get in bed with him and read to him for a while and then feel asleep with him for a minute. And wanted to make sure SS was fully asleep once he got out of the bed before he called me.
I was angry when we talked- he said "but I haven't seen him in 6 days. And all we have is from when I pick him up from school." I reminded him this is more time than we have- and that I wished he thought so frantically about moments with me so that he didn't either ruin them by picking fights with me or just seem to forget about them (by leaving me ignored at the movies and once we got home).
I am so tired of this- so tired of the guilty parent shit. So tired of his parenting. So tired of always getting the short end of the stick. Just a few weeks ago we had a conversation (it wasn't even a fight- it was a conversation) about something like the movie, where he said that he understood it was his responsibility to notice things like SS trying to sit in the middle and structure them differently. I know things are more difficult b/c of my work- but I need to work! And as a professor I can't get a job just anywhere. I turned down more prestigious jobs to remain in the same state and at least have this life with him.
I just don't get why he doesn't "get it."
Sigh....