Completely! If she wasn't in the picture we'd probably be married, or at least officially engaged by now, I'm the one that always has to be 'reasonable' and think of her feelings, plus if we have kids of our own he's already been through all those firsts with someone else.

The money thing - doesn't bother me so much, but I know it bothers my OH - he paid off huge debts of hers, she's never worked, but is going to take half the equity in the house which was bought with his inheritance from grandparents & his salary.

What really winds me up though is the way she treats him like her own personal slave - he's a wonderful man, with so much to offer, but all she sees him as is a babysitter & paycheck!

I'd say I feel like this sometimes, especially in regards to what Storm said about always being the one to be 'reasonable' and think of her feelings. But, BM is also a "second wife" and has to deal with a BM and skid with her current DH, so she probably goes thru some of the same feelings that I do. And to make it worse, her and her BM don't get along whatsoever.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

Yep!

The main thing I can suggest is not looking at their facebook pages. Hopefully that will help decrease your stress.

I have went over this and over it 50 million times in my head for the past 4 years.

There are soooo many things that BM would have never put up with that I have to if I want to stay with my DH. It's ridiculous that "we" as 2nd wives have to go through all of this.

Your list is right on.....the only thing I would add is that you also have to answer the phone at 2 am...because you are groggy and don't know any better, and because if someone is calling at two am it's got to be a emergancy right. Nope, it's just BM on her nightly tangit.

I wonder how she would have felt if some girl would have woken her and him up at two am to bitch at him?

**

yeah, that would kill me! My DH and his ex share a lot of the same friends, and few of them have friended me and then if she leaves a comment on their status, I have to look at it all day. Uggghhh!

I too feel very cheated as a second wife. I told DH just the other night that I never wanted to be a second wife, that I hate feeling like the other wife. If his relationship with BM had been a fling, or something short it would be easier. He and BM were married and raised 3 children together for 15 years, so I always feel like the 3rd wheel. She still expects him to be their for the kids like he was before, and sometimes I wish he could, but being there for them 24/7 also makes him there for her 24/7. I've spent the last year being VERY clear that we needed to build a separate life from hers and it took about a year before DH really started to understand. Now he tries to focus on what is best for me and the SK's rather then BM and the SK's...

I feel your pain...Althought DH was never married to BM and they were not togetehr long, she still has the bigger end of the stick. My MIL dissaproves of us so much she didnt even come to our wedding...but since DH no longer speaks to her she calls BM to see SS...and the other day I went to see FIL (who is divorced from MIL) and I went on the PC to find plenty of pics of BM, SS and DH...wanted to barf...
The money part gets on my nerves but not as much as the pain of not being the only woman...sometimes I feel like she got the filet mignon of a life and I got the leftovers in a doggy bag...I console myself by saying: well he still chose me right?

I have never felt cheated with DH. He was married twice before and so was I. We had both already experienced so many things with our previous spouses. HOWEVER, even when DH and I have done things or gone places we've been before, we're doing them together for the first time. He may have had a home with BM, but he never had one with ME, therefore this is still a brand new thing.

No matter what your DH has already done, he has never done those things with YOU!! It's always going to be something different because you are NOT BM!!!

I feel cheated that DH spent 10 years of marriage with BM and had 2 kids with her, and we will never have any of our own. But...we have the freedom to do whatever we want and since I am straight (unlike BM)...DH and I have a wonderful marriage and SEX LIFE!! Talk about amazing! BM hated sex with DH, she was a "virgin" when they married (she was 28, but had been with women) and even their wedding night sucked for DH!! He said she never wanted sex. Hmmm...red flag, because she had a LOT of lesbian "friends". LOL...some men are so clueless when they are young!!

So, needless to say DH is SO much happier with me than he could ever be with BM! She was a terrible wife to him. We get to travel and since DH makes a LOT more money than he did when he was with her, I get to enjoy all of the spoils that she never did. They struggled most of their life together while DH was working his way up to the top! Now we are there TOGETHER and BM is SO jealous of what we are and how great our life is. Mostly because we are HAPPY and she could never measure up to what I am as a woman and a wife!

I guess the great thing about being 38 as opposed to 21...you have been there and you know what you DON'T want and what you DO want in a wife. He is older and wiser now and made a smart decision this time around...instead of a 21 year old boy's mistake. He says he regrets the day he ever laid eyes on that nasty woman, kids or not!

Love

you are right wicked...i like that perspective (I still feel like i got some leftovers, but less

I feel cheated all the time when DH and I do something really fun together and decide it will be our thing until I find out he did it with BM. Honestly the only thing keeping me sane while being pregnant is knowing the BM had to have a c-section and I plan on doing it the natural way (i will probably freak out if I have to have a c-section). Plus the fact that DH didn't get to see SS all that much because he had to work a million jobs to pay for BM to sit on her ass at home. Whereas now he is going to be a stay at home day and work part time in the evenings. Sometimes I just wish she didn't exist and we could be normal and experience new things together instead of it being a first for me and a second for him.

I used to but I've learned to stop feeling sorry for myself. I made a choice to be a second wife and YES, sometimes it's not easy and it doesn't always bring out the best in me.

She may have gotten to have kids with him, but we'll have our "own" someday and I know it will be better b/c he won't be hiding in his work and leaving me alone with a baby b/c I'm not crazy and he doesn't have to avoid me. She gets a lot of $$/m but I know that the alimony won't last forever and right now I'm trying to view it as a "normal" couple who just started their lives and have a little bit of baggage. DH never wanted to take BM anywhere and we travel to so many places. She may have been the first wife, but I'm the one who gets him forever.

I'm getting better at stopping myself from "going there" in regards to feeling cheated. At times it's easy, at times it's hard but I've seen a lot of change in myself and how I view the entire situation and b/c I've let a lot of it go I've learned how to love DH and the kids more.

Nobody held a gun to my head and made me marry him. I chose to and I knew the situation at the time.

I love reading some of my older posts where everthing BM had/has consumed my life. NO MORE! I have DH, she doesn't, we'll make it through any challenge we face and they couldn't. That speaks volumes in my book!

"I aint no Carol Brady"

I don't feel that I got leftovers...because of BM's nasty attitude and behavior, she got the worst parts of my DH. I get the best parts because I am actually human and treat him with respect...and he always tells me he has never been treated so well in all his life. It has made him a new man, and I'll have ya'll know that my DH is pretty amazing!

Great list though, especially number 1 and 7. I dread it when she calls. It's always a feeling of "what now". And the fact that the skids are telling her what goes on here bugs me a little. Not that we do anything out of the ordinary, but I really think it's our business and none of hers. One good thing I can say about that is I refuse to argue with my DH about anything when the skids are here...and by the time they leave I've usually forgotten what I was miffed about, so it's beneficial in a weird way. Not that DH and I really argue, but things come up from time to time.

As far as the in-laws, I am really lucky. They can't stand BM, but they L.O.V.E. me! Ha Ha, I know it kills her. If only for the reason that she knows they talk about all the horrible things she's done.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Absolutely! Cheated is a fitting way to describe the way I feel about raising her child so she can have a life. Plus there's this bond BM and DH will forever share, despite anything that will never be broken. They share a child together. So she has a place in my husband's mind and heart that I can never touch, because she's his child's mother. Another woman will forever be connected to my husband in a way that I'm not. Yes I definitely feel cheated. No matter how inexcusable her behavior is, there's a part of him that wants to defend and feel sorry for the mother of his child. It's really nauseating.

Not so much anymore. I used to... to the point that I would convince myself that he had NO LIFE BEFORE ME. It was starting to get unhealthy. If Dh would tell a story about being somewhere, he didn't even have to say that BM was there... but if it is somewhere we have never been together I would tell him "you have never been there, I wasn't with you so it didn't happen".

I have taken a different approach now. DH and I have been married for 1 1/2 months. His marriage to BM lasted 4 months... I ALMOST have her beat. They lived together for 3 years before they got married... we have lived together for 5... BEAT. SS was 1 when DH left her. They only parented together for ONE YEAR... Dh and I have for 5..BEAT. So, there are so many NEW memories that DH and I have together, that thought is starting to overshadow that thought of them PROcreating together, and all of the memories and advantages she had as the first wife. If he still wanted all of that, he could still have it. Yet he chooses ME. That speaks mountains in my mind (as twisted as my mind is at times).

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

I feel you all! It is sad because yes, we MUST "understand" , not normally DH's don't realize all the unfairness that we go through. It irritates me a lot that they and most people think what we should no complain because we "accepted a package"... I just think there is a rational limit to that. My Husband says he really thinks I'm his second chance to do it all right but doesn't understand the weight that we have to carry by being the 2nd:
1. Yes, a 2 am call wich is NOT an emergency, or a 12 mn call just do remind that...
2. Work hard to have a better life and see most of resources going to another household...
3. Have to heard so unpleasent comments of former life, from relatives, or the occasional not prudent comparison comment.
4. See how our husbands are sometimes manipulated
5. Live with decisions and moves that they take and we know they are moved by guilt only.
6. Be nervous when the phone rings, because you don't know what's gonna be this time
7. What about thinking in kids of our own... it is not rare to face the fact that they have "doubts", or want to "wait" because they "have their own".
8. What about skds, people is especting from second wives to have a kind of "default" love for skids, and relatives watching how to act or react about skids.
9. Knowing that there are lots of "first" experiences that we will have to live "alone" because they already went through that, and even if they try... is not the same..

The list can go on, that first list is a great abstract, and I agree, No. 1 and 7 ... the best... followed by the economic thing.

Sometimes I'm tired of being the one that is supposed to "understand"... They should understand all those feelings that this issue of "being the 2nd wife" carries, creating somehow a disadvantage, and a weight that the 1rst never had to face.

Sometimes is frustrating, tired, unfair. And still we fight everysingle day to make this work, often without recognition, because things are taken for granted.

Its funny...she never had to deal with any of that, and yet she STILL couldnt make the relationship work! Therefore she was not right for him, she was simply the mistake, the starter wife, the trial and ERROR

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

I hated being pregnant and going through that for the first time when it was the fourth time for hubby. By the second and subsequent pregnancies I was much more laid back. And while I used to hate being the second wife and all the imagined things they got to do together first, the one thing they didn't have was happiness. She was a certifiable nutcase. I mean, a hospitalized for months at a time with imagined symptoms and just looking for a break from her 'terrible life' nut. Her hospitalizations were basically spa vacations where she got to focus, and get everyone else to focus, on HER. So, the truth was the stuff he got to do the first time around (try to maintain her mental health, the care of three children, a full-time job, and a farm) while being miserable he doesn't have to do with me. We get the first of being HAPPY. And the funny thing is, all the while she continues to tell me how horrible he was as a husband. Well, either he really wasn't or he took a crash course that stuck surprisingly well on being a great husband. Since her grasp on reality is slim at best, I'm guess he was back then the same great guy he is now.

So I guess the short response is, when I was insecure I felt cheated. And during the first pregnancy. Now, after 13 years, not so much.

I am a member on this website and I just happened to google this website thinking I could find something other than Steptalk to rely on...truth is - after reading other articles and website - this is the only place where I come too because people "get it" here...I keep getting the same thing - JUST DEAL WITH IT - YOU ARE BEING IMMATURE! - OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT HER? These are not the answers I am looking for - I am sick of hearing I signed up for this - the only thing I do believe is that if SHE was the 1st WIFE - they would still be together - if he was the 1st HUSBAND they would be together - There is no such thing as the number system for me - you are either a WIFE or you are not - you are either a HUSBAND or you are not. that's my theory on that - but I am really bummed I have to constantly here about her and what SHE is doing - and her dumb phonecalls and text messages...and pictures she likes to send with the kids I am never prepared for. It makes me want to rip my hair out - while she gets what she wants - I have let myself go - and for what? to still be on the bottom on the totem pole.

FDH use to defend BM a little bit in the beginning. Until last year when all the stuff happened over the summer with SS and BM. He went to say something in her and SS defense. I cut him off and simply told him that we are together not you and her and if ever defend her or take her side over mine I will be gone faster than I came. He has never once did it since. And I am serious I will leave him. If he wants to stick up for her moronic controlling behavior then he can go be with her and not me. Its that simply to me. The only thing I feel cheated about is not being able to have his child (sometimes) it was a choice I made before we even met. I have 4 BD so 4 kids is plenty in my mind. lol Not to mention I am 35 and my youngest is 5 with the oldest being almost 15 with a almost 13 and 7 yr old in the middle not to mention his 10 yr old son. No way in hell do I want to start over with a baby. So that is something I have dealt with and got over. But he does have something with me that he has never in his life ever had with another woman and thats love unconditionally and support and a true companion. This he has even told me so I do get firsts alot. Thank god they were never married or had more children together.

Oh.....every day for the last 20 years. The first wife still controls DH long after the marriage is dissolved. The child support payments were a big thorn in my side for many years. That's money that could have been used to take care of MY family. Dh and I almost split up over c.s. My kids went with less, so the cow could collect her god damn money every month. The support payments stop....but the resentment does not.

justbdias....I know what you mean about liking stuff until you found out he did it with the cow first! :sick: