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Stepmonster2020's picture

Submitted by Stepmonster2020 on Thu, 01/02/2020 - 2:46pm

Thanks for welcoming me into this forum, where I hope to meet others in similar situations.

I am marrying an amazing man in May of 2020. He has 2 grown children (21 and 18). Our relationship with the male child has been ok, although we don't see him often. They have never seen where their Dad lives.

The relationship with the female has been nothing short of nightmarish. She claims to want nothing more than a repaired relationship with her father, however every attempt to meet up with her she has failed to show, using every lame excuse in the book. I've pushed my partner to meet with them without me, in case that was the issue, but she even failed to meet him then. Their relationship has boiled down to an exchange of money (child support to her as she going to college plus extras). Any time her father says no to her in regards to money, she blows an absolute temper tantrum. She has called us pigs and c*nts, and has told her dad she wishes he would die. 

I feel for her, but I also feel we deserve more respect than that. We both work hard for our lifestyle and should not have to apologize when we save up money for a trip or vehicle or whatever. She even blasted us once for the groceries in the vehicle.

Here is the icing on the cake. This precious demon girl has just announced to the world that her and her 18 yr old boyfriend are having a baby. Both have just started college in the fall and are now planning on quitting to return to their hometown to raise the child.

My heart is broken for this innocent baby who is going to be brought into a disadvantaged situation and I'm terrified what it means for us. Will our bank accounts be bled dry, will we be able to have a relationship with all of them.......on and on it goes.

And, for me it has brought to the surface some unresolved issues regarding infertility. I was never able to have children of my own and now I feel the punishment just continues. I will also never have a grandbaby of my own. I've cried almost daily for a month. I'm not sure my partner understands even though I've tried to explain it all to him.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Comments

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Thu, 01/02/2020 - 3:36pm

Of course you deserve more respect than your SD is giving you. And it's hard to watch someone you love be mistreated and hurt. But you can't control her. Best you can do is establish your OWN boundaries. 

What does your DH do when she launches into abusive name calling? Does he shut down and take it (not good), make excuses for her (worse), or stand up to her? That will tell you pretty much everything you need to know. Unless he stands up for himself and for his marriage to you, none of this will change and will likely get worse now with a child.

Let go of the hope that you can successfully have a relationship with her. Until she can have a healthy relationship with her father, there isn't much hope that she will have one with you. It would be good if both his kids were at least civil toward you, but if even that isn't happening, you just don't need to be around them, and for sure stop "trying" to win them over. That's a mistake most of us make as we enter stepworld. Many broken hearts and thousands of dollars later, it just doesn't work.

You'll want an understanding NOW with your DH about how he will support her financially, if at all. He has a responsibiity to his marriage as well, and that includes financial responsibility (including retirement planning).

ntm's picture

Submitted by ntm on Thu, 01/02/2020 - 3:54pm

This is rarely brought up. It's not enough for your partner to be paying current bills - how are they preparing for retirement and aging? If they're not putting 10 - 15% of their income into retirement savings and not paying into a long term care insurance policy, they don't have money to fritter away. 

Make sure you have a prenup in place that covers all the bases, even those you think could never possibly happen. 

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Fri, 01/03/2020 - 8:11pm

I can tell you from experience this is a VERY big deal.  After DH and I got married he placed hundreds of dollars into SD's checking account every month - hundreds he was not investing in retirement.  This continued even when SD was making more than he was.  The end result was that he never saved up for retirement so he has been living off of minimal social security for the last 13+ years.  Luckily, he inherited a small amount of money which he has had to dip into to survive but the 'well' is about to run dry.  Now, although he is well within retirement age, he must get a part-time job.  If he had a real emergency or needed a used car he would be in a world of hurt. (side note: He refused to temporarily support me financially earlier in our marriage, I refuse to support him.)  Separating finances and a prenup is the way to go.

Phoebe333's picture

Submitted by Phoebe333 on Thu, 01/02/2020 - 11:18pm

I was unable to have any children due to medical issues.  I married my dh when I was 38. He was 47. When each of 3sd had babies, my dh and I had serious conversations about my sadness, jealousy, anger, etc. He was very supportive. Sounds like your dh doesn't have much of a relationship with sd anyway.  So new baby may not be thrown in your face. I will say that bc I didn't have kids I was able to do a lot of traveling and pursue many hobbies and new adventures. Try to focus on some new goals and take good care of yourself. 

Btw, lots of young people without college degrees have babies. They seem to make it. I would definately talk to fh about his ability to save for his/your future together.  Adult skids will make their own choices. I am very fortunate that my dh is very frugal.  3sd r all married and independent. He has never been free with his money. When we dated, I helped 3sd by convincing him that they needed more allowance for clothes and personal items. Two of the 3 lived with him after divorce. Anyway, when the 2osd planned their weddings, he gave them $2000 and that was it. Of course, that was about 20 years ago. Ysd was married 14 years ago and she was given a little more.  All 3 spent way more than what he gave them...Again, their choice. My weddings with both first and current spouse were very economical. Dh and I both regret that we didn't have a professional photographer for our wedding and reception. Wedding was attended by only 3sd, my b and sil, my mom and sd and dh's mom. We had a reception two days later with about 80 people. 

Long story short....concentrate on your own wedding plans....you r going to be a beautiful bride. Planning it together with your fh will help u build a life that you both will cherish. 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 01/03/2020 - 12:34am

I agree with Evil3's advice.   Do be careful about finances, and do not allow SD to move in with you.