I think I'm depressed.
Anyone who knows me well would probably say I'm the happy go-lucky optimistic chick. I would have too, 6 months ago.
Ever since DH and I got married I've been down. Moody, tired, not hungry...just down off and on. I've been trying to just suck it up and get over the feeling, but it's haunting me.
DH knows I've been like this. He goes back and forth between, "If you're miserable in our marriage, just leave, I can't deal with this" and "Honey, I want to fight for us...what can I do?"
Last night DH let me have it. I was staying with my mom (she has MS and needs assistance 24/7, my dad is out of town) and he went out with friends. He does that when I'm not home, so I knew it was inevitable.
We talked when he got home and it was UGLY.
I was a little down, but trying to still talk to him. (Honestly, taking care of your mom in your 20s is more depressing than anything else)
The truth serum worked it's magic, and I heard everything he was thinking and feeling.
Kind of accused me of cheating on him recently (says this is a side effect of being miserable while married, so I should be aware of this if it hasn't already happened....WTF?!), said he "saved" me from a life of misery (when we met I was just starting college and a server at a trashy bar), basically saying I was a broke, party chick loser that had nothing going for me until he RESCUED me from myself (he did pay for college once we were engaged), how dare I make him feel like a burden to me when I have a past (mistakes, yes, but nothing that will permanently be in our lives), that I'm not worth the bullshit I've been putting him through, that taking care of SDs is better than what I would be doing if it weren't for him....more of that kind of stuff. Honestly, a lot having to do with money. I sat there like this: :jawdrop: until he was done ranting.
I had no idea he still thought of me that way. I wasn't a complete mess when we met, but I was definitely in college, not necessarily ready for a serious relationship with a divorced man with children. I loved him desperately (still do), couldn't imagine my life without him, so I stayed. I thought I could handle everything. Truth is, I'm young, inexperienced, and feeling like I made a huge mistake.
I don't want to be without him, our family, everything we've built together. I just know that I don't want to feel this way, I can't talk to him about it (he gets defensive and obviously irrational), and even after I told him I think I might be depressed he continues to flipflop on how he feels.
I've never felt more alone and confused and scared.
Advice?
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This is how abuse begins.
This is how abuse begins. First they make you feel worthless and that you would be nothing without them. Then when you get to the point where you "fight" back it can become violent. I lived like that in my first marriage to a very disturbed person. When I had my son, it finally hit me that I needed to get out of that sitution for my sons sake
Get out now before you have children and you can still have a life. In your 20s'? you have many great years ahead!
Another money sidenote: He
Another money sidenote: He "forgot" about the prenup until THREE days before our wedding. He claimed he mentioned it before, but I don't remember talking about it.
I cried, didn't want to sign it, put up a fight. It made me feel like he was expecting divorce and that he didn't trust me. He claimed he didn't want to subject his family and hard-earned money to future circumstances. I was devastated. Now that I think about it, that's what really spurred these feelings. That's it's all on paper for him "just in case".
My family begged me not to sign it, to tell him we didn't need one. (They love him, but didn't love the prenup idea)
I signed it, in tears. He told me he wouldn't marry me unless I signed it. So I did.
That would have a been a great reason to postpone the wedding until I was comfortable with the prenup, or he decided not to have one. I wanted to, but was too embarrassed.
Embarrassed or depressed?? STUPID JANE. Stupid Jane.
DH is 35, skids 5 & 7. I've
DH is 35, skids 5 & 7.
I've thought that about him for a long time....
He just waits until the last
He just waits until the last minute to do things. He felt bad that it was so close to our wedding and that I wasn't comfortable with it, but not bad enough to wait. I got my own lawyer to help me go through the document, and it all turned out okay. I added some things and custody of our dog, haha. My lawyer told me to save my own money, just in case. It ended up being okay, but it all happened so fast that I should have had more time to think about it.
That's when I felt like he cared more about getting what he wanted (and being "protected") than my feelings.
The alone part, it's tough to
The alone part, it's tough to be a SM and really who can you REALLY talk to about it? This is a great place to be, take comfort in knowing that you can be yourself here, you'll get a lot of support, I know I have.
The rest, well...your husbands mean words are really him being scared that he isn't enough to keep you. Your depression? I don't know what else is going on in your life, just knowing that your mom is sick is scary and would bring anyone down. Being in your 20's and raising someone else's children could be kind of depressing. Being with an older guy and living an older lifestyle while your friends are all having fun....yeah depressing. See a counselor for yourself, sometimes you aren't even concious about what is bothering you, a professional can help you bring everything to the forefront, help you sort it out and then help you figure out what do with it all.
I think that you know you weren't 'nothing' then and you aren't 'nothing' now. Give yourself a hug, and do something nice for yourself.
You're sweet. Thank you. My
You're sweet. Thank you.
My husband's words being scared he isn't enough to keep me? Yes. Absolutely. I think he does feel like his life is a burden to me, because, well, it is. I still do things with friends, starting a new job, sick mom, etc. Adding SDs to the mix, taking care of a home, and taking on all of these new roles at a young age is wearing on me.
I definitely need to see someone to help me pinpoint why I'm feeling this way.
Thanks
I need to remember that. I
I need to remember that. I WAS just fine before he came along. And was I better after he came along? Absolutely. But he's not solely responsible for making that happen. I am!
He's not a completely guilty
He's not a completely guilty daddy, but I see glimpses sometimes. He's just a jackass when he drinks. Although I've never heard him say those things about me, so I'm wondering if it's how he really feels...
Usually me or the kids comes first, then the dog, then BM...ha! She's dead last.
While I do think people can
While I do think people can be more free in their speech after drinking, I don't necessarily think what comes out is always what they really feel. Sometimes, people are feeling enough emotion of some kind to use it as an excuse to lash out and vent, but it may not be exactly what they're feeling. Kind of like the ability to come here and say what we want in a way that we might not say in reality.
sorry this is long, but it
sorry this is long, but it reminds me of my coworker. She has been married to her hubby for about a year and a half and she fell IN LOVE with him, like head over heels (alot of it I think was the fantasy about how good looking he is-she agrees) and after only dating him for a month, they got married. She has 3 kids though and he has kids that he doesnt see (and doesnt act like he cares to see). He is so accusatory of her cheating, she stopped wearing makeup and going anywhere by herself because if she did, she would have to text him every minute saying what aisle she was on. He was always saying that everything is her fault, that all their problems in their marriage is from her, trying to blame her for everything and that he saved her as well. He makes more money than her and controls it all, she doesnt know what he spends their money on. he even had a 14 yr old/previously married that she didnt find out about until a year into their marriage. She lost their baby a few months ago, he had some intestinal issues and his organs werent were they were supposed to be, so obviously she has been depressed. he blames even more on her, saying shes not the same anymore (well no duh, she is upset!) and he actually choked her before. He is always talking about a divorce and she says she doesnt care anymore and that she wants him to get one. He made fun of her for taking depression medicine and for going to counseling. Im just telling you all this as a warning. It starts out like this, saying that he saved you from a miserable life. Just be careful and watch his actions after this.
Yes I think ur depressed you
Yes I think ur depressed you need to get help. Talk to ur doctor and they will refer you to a specialist. ur DH obviously has problems and their for he cant understand what ur going through, and hunny u cannot love him because it sounds like u dont love ur self and if u dont love ur self u cannot love any one else. So please seek help and he needs to do the same if he wants the marriage to work. But right now focus on getting rid of ur depression let that be ur #1 focus and ur mommy
good luck and always stay positive if he doesnt see that ur worth a lot then he is a dummy who does not deserve u!!!
Thanks, pretty. I agree. I DO
Thanks, pretty.
I agree. I DO love myself, I just don't love the way I feel. That's why I'm so confused and assuming it's something more serious. I just made an appointment with a therapist next week. I feel better already.
I do need to take care of myself before I take care of anyone else around here!!
I think maybe your depressed
I think maybe your depressed because your husband treats you like this. I got out of my situation a month ago and am so glad I did. I was totally depressed for at least and I mean at least 2 years. Now that I left, Im fine. If you decide to stay, you should go to therapy and try taking some antidepressants.
I wish I would have popped
I wish I would have popped out an heiress. Thanks for the giggle, naturalmom. And for ranting for me...I need to stand up to him. And I'm going to when he gets home. Although I think he knows he messed up...he's been kissing my ass by text all day.
Wish me luck. Bleck.
Aw hell no! No apologies!
Aw hell no! No apologies! Just kissing up hoping I'll forget or otherwise remember how wonderful he really is. Ha. Not happening today.
It should come from his mouth (if it even comes out at all).
I remember my psych class
I remember my psych class where they defined depression as, 'anger turned inward'. I think you are depressed and angry but taking it out on yourself - because of course he is being ridiculous and how dare he beat you down like that?
Don't fret, there is nothing wrong with you, just your instincts protecting you until you are ready to set him straight. One day those words will just come flowing out! and he will never make you feel inadequate again. Hugs
good luck!!! and when ever u
good luck!!! and when ever u need to vent or just need some advice we are here for u