Excuse me, which house is this again?
That woman needs to stay out of my house!
Not literally mind you. She's never stepped foot in here. But figuratively she's butting in all over the place.
On the last skid weekend, Hubs and I started asking SD12 and SS12 to do a couple little chores for us. SS6 piped in with, "Mama says you have to start giving me chores when I'm here." Ummm, what? I pulled him close and reminded him gently that he already has one chore to do every day (wiping down the table after meals, it's a little thing but it's a start) and that he's always really good about helping when we ask. Then I looked over his head at Hubs and said, "I'm sorry, but what business is it of hers what the rules are in this house?"
Over the last couple of weeks it's really been bugging me. Hubs and BM don't agree on anything (really, anything) so there is no such thing as co-parenting here. The kids know the score, especially SS6 since his parents have lived apart since he was just a few months old. There are mom's rules and there are dad's rules and you follow the rules of whatever house you're at. It's not ideal but the kids have adapted and generally know what's expected of them. At mom's house you can go anywhere in the neighborhood with your friends, at dad's house you have to check in and let us know where you are. At mom's house you can say you don't want dinner then go make yourself whatever snack you want later, at dad's house you're going to eat dinner and that's final. And so on. At mom's house you do the chores mom sets for you, at dad's house you do what he says to do.
And the parents know this, too. We don't call BM's house to tell her what the kids have to do when she has them. Hubs may address some particularly bad behavior that he'd like to see her address too (a futile effort) but we certainly don't weigh in on chore duties and house rules. So why the hell is she sending the kids over here with instructions on how we have to divide chores?
To this point, all the kids have agreed that SS6 isn't required to do anything at BM's house. The twins do almost all of the housework there (and have since they were their little brother's age), but this is the first time she's required anything of her "baby." Now suddenly he needs chores, and since she's never had him do anything obviously we haven't either. What gets me is that she not only thinks she has the right to tell us how to give out chores, but that she's working off the false assumption that the kids have no responsibilities here.
And this morning, it happened again. SS12's iPod is a constant source of friction. His little brother is insanely jealous that he doesn't have one of his own, so he's constantly whining for a chance to play on it. It's only compounded by the fact that BM has cut off the kids' internet access at her house so it's only when they're here that most of SS12's games work. The older skids don't want SS6 on their iPods, first out of a sense of ownership and also because he has a bad track record of breaking their things. And Hubs and I agree. We've told SS6 many times that the iPods don't belong to him, he has plenty of his own games to play, and when he whines about it he's not helping his case.
So today I'm in my room and down the hall I hear "Mama says that since I never get to play on your iPod at home you need to give me a turn here." Now, I have no proof that BM actually said this; SS6 could easily be making it up to get his way. But he had just come back from Sunday School with his mother, and it does fit the pattern of BM butting into our house. It doesn't do much good to force SS12 into handing over his iPod at her house since many of the games wouldn't work, so she'll say that he has to do it at out house.
I hate to say that I lost my cool a little. I informed SS6 in no uncertain terms that he's at dad's house and that dad and I set the rules here, not his mother. We've already said that he isn't allowed to play on his brother's iPod here, and that he's never going to win that privilege by whining about it, so he needs to abide by that rule. I don't like yelling at him (especially since he's been in trouble a couple of times already this weekend) and I hate that I essentially took out my frustrations with the BM on him, but I really do believe that he's old enough to know the rules here and, whether she did contradict us or not, he knows that whining to get his way doesn't work with daddy and I.
Seriously, though, when will that woman learn that this is not her house?
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Comments
He is a little young to
He is a little young to understand the family dynamics. His mom is authority to him and he is confused that if mom says something at her house (even if it is about your house) that her word is useless. Give the little guy a break and just address the issue at hand, ie playing with the ipod and ignore any references to BM. Don't put BM's authority down even at your house - it will only confuse him more.
Yeah, I usually do try to
Yeah, I usually do try to leave their mother out of the conversation, with all the kids. Whether or not she's certifiably insane, she's still their mother. Like I said, I lost my cool and that's the only reason I brought BM into it at all, which I shouldn't have done.
I just got so frustrated today! It's bad enough that a)he's constantly bugging his brother about the iPod, even though we tell him every weekend that he is not allowed to use it and he has a whole stack of new PS and Wii games he can be playing with and b)he was doing the fake whining thing. SS6 is a master of bringing up the fake tears, which is something his dad and I have been constantly trying to stop. He's a little kid, he's going to whine, but howling and pouting to get his way is not the kind of behavior we're going to encourage (especially since Hubs isn't feeling well and was trying to take a bit of a nap - being woken up by the dreaded whining over the iPod would have made him chew SS6 out more than I did for sure). Having him cite BM as the authority for changing the rules in our house was just more than I could handle.
SS6 and I are good now; he's the kind of kid that quickly gets over being upset and goes right back to being a sweetheart. But you'd better believe that after they leave this afternoon Hubs and I are going to have a heart-to-heart about the fact that his ex needs to stop butting into our house. Yeah they're her kids too and she has a say as to how they're raised, but trying to re-set the rules their father has established is too much. She's constantly trying to make them think badly of their father, and this is just one more way she's doing it.
Well, since SS6 also told his
Well, since SS6 also told his grandma yesterday that he likes being at our house better than BM's, I know exactly why she's trying to undermine us. It's a long story why Hubs doesn't have primary custody, but he and I getting legally married would change the landscape enough to scare her. Mind you, she doesn't actually give a shit about what's best for her kids, she just knows if she loses custody of even one of them her state benefits and CS would go down. She'd rather use her kids' feelings against us than let that happen!
How would you getting married
How would you getting married be reason to change primary custody?
Ok, I read two things that
Ok, I read two things that indicate you're giving BM room to "butt in."
"Hubs may address some particularly bad behavior that he'd like to see her address too..."
This is an example of DH trying to control what happens in her home.
"and since she's never had him do anything obviously we haven't either."
This shows that you are allowing BM to control what happens in your home.
It sounds like you're fairly new at this lovely stepparenting experience, and there's definitely a learning curve involved. You have 3 skids in your house, and you need to really work at curtailing speaking badly about their mother IN FRONT of the kids. That's not ok, and it shouldn't happen, not just because it's bad for the kids, but it will come back and make YOU miserable.
Keep in mind, for these kids, their mother is their boss. She's the authority. It is totally fine to have two sets of rules for the different homes, just don't talk smack about the other house or the other parent.
The "obviously" line was
The "obviously" line was sarcasm.
And Hubs and the ex communicate on the glaringly big issues. For example, when SD12 was a bit younger and having a lot of problems in school (both grades and behavior) they had to both work on things to sort it out. That's co-parenting. Undermining the other parent's rules and implying that things aren't being done "right" TO THE KIDS is out of line. We don't try to tell her what chores they have to do at her house, or what time they have to go to bed there. That's her house and, even though there's a lot that she does that we don't agree with, we don't insist she does things our way or tell the kids that she's wrong.
I said what I did to SS6 earlier, and I've already said that it was out of line and not the way I normally talk about their mother. But what I told him (in the wrong way, I'll grant you) was that when he's at our house he needs to respect our rules. What I didn't tell him (even though I certainly thought it) was that his mother is a manipulative idiot and that the only reason the iPod is an issue here is because his mother would rather buy $200 dresses for her dog and nap all day instead of working than fork over a few bucks a month for the kids to have internet at her house. THAT would have been smack-talking his mother.
I feel bad for even mentioning their mother to them, but the real problem is that BM (and her fiance) completely undermine Hub's authority. She tells the kids outright that she doesn't care what their father tells them to do and that they shouldn't have to listen to him (let alone me). Hell, she's told the kids "your father doesn't really care about you." That's crossing the line. I would never tell the kids what I really think of their mother, but we don't get that same respect in return.
You know, I think you're the
You know, I think you're the fifth or sixth SM on here who, when I "called out" a not-ok behavior, has gone on to tell me that the "real problem" is BM.
Don't we always think it's the "other" party?
BM sounds like a real treat, but she isn't forging a new path for difficult biomoms. She's following a well laid, well traveled pattern that's existed...well, basically forever.
OF COURSE she'll try to undermine you/DH. (Although, I'm confused...you call him Hubs, but then say you're not married?? Confusing!)
Just keep consistent rules at your home. NEVER speak badly of her. Enforce the rules in your home...better yet, have DH do that.
My SD had TOTALLY different rules in our home vs her mom's home. Night and day. It's a challenge. But you're right...just keep saying, "Well, this is how we do it in our home" and leave it at that.