Accused of not liking SD
Because on the way home from my dad's last night (my 2 aunts and uncle are in town to meet the baby), at 9pm, DH informed me we're picking SD up because there's no school tomorrow. He said he asked SD for a schedule but "BM won't talk to her about it" and I got onto him (again) for putting that on a child. Again, I told him to follow the CO but he doesn't want "just a few hours a week"..
But he will take the sporadic schedule instead? So he told me that since the baby was born, I don't want SD around. I told him that I didn't (out of anger) because he just doesn't give a damn about my feelings and how this will this affect our daughter when she's 2ish and wants to know when her sister will come back. I'll have to tell my baby that nobody knows because SD makes her own schedule!
The best part? He said all he has to do is go to court! Gee, DH, why didn't I think of that? SD said hi to me when she got in the car last night and went to her room to play on her computer for the night. We're on the way to my dad's for breakfast to say bye to my family and I let SD sit in the front so I can sit with baby. I just want "normal" but I guess this is my normal now.. I know you're all sick of me so just consider this another vent.
The baby is so precious, by the way. She is a perfect angel and just such a good girl. I want to feel the same about SD, I do. She's a child, too, but I think being a mother now makes a huge difference in my feelings and "mama bear" instincts. It really is hard to love another woman's child even though she's half DH's.
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To be fair, your SD would
To be fair, your SD would always be an intermittant part of your daughter's life since your DH can't have full custody. So, whether you "know" when she is coming back or whether it's regularly scheduled.. your child is still likely to occasionally ask. Honesty doesn't hurt either. "I'm not sure when SD is coming back... she lives with her mother most of the time. and we don't always know when she will be over".
BUT.. your DH needs to be more understanding that you are probably tired and busy with a new baby and yeah.. having another child to deal with is NOT going to be your preference all the time.. so daddy step up with your daughter. it's not that you "hate" his daughter.. but you don't love the extra work and disruption in your schedule.
It did make me sad when he
It did make me sad when he said that I'm not thinking about his feelings. I do care about his and SD's feelings. I know the craziness probably affects him more than me. But almost a decade and still no consistency? It's ridiculous and I just want peace!
The situation with your SD
The situation with your SD has been a clusterf*ck for ages, so it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. Though I think the anger is displaced, because your DH has absolutely refused to take his balls back from BM by getting the CO revised (and agreeing to that CO in the first place).
I’d be livid with DH if he put me through that ‘for the kids’. I don’t know how you’ve put up with it for so long tbh.
As for loving your DD totally differently, of course you do! That’s your child!! Heck, as much as I like, love & get along with my SS’s, I’ve got a stronger love for my cat than I do for them. She’s my fur baby, she’s my responsibility, and I’m her mama. If I feel that way about my kitty, I can only imagine how much more love I’d feel for my child than I do for my SS’s. It’s a natural response, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
If there were stronger boundaries between your DH & his ex, and you had a schedule you can count on, I think you’d be in a better place emotionally. As long as your DH continues on like the spineless man he has been, you’re going to have issues.
Lol. I feel the same way
Lol. I feel the same way about "my" kitties and they're just three feral cats that I feed. I mean...if I had to choose between saving one of my skids or saving one of these cats from a burning building...I'd choose the skid because I value human life more than animal life. However, the cats and their antics bring me more joy in my life than the skids. They're fun, while the skids feel like a burden.
OP - I can't imagine a worse personal hell for me than intermittent, irregular skid visits. That would completely put me on edge. In fact, I can kind of relate because a few years ago, when YSD was 16-18, DH unilaterally decided tht he wanted to have more "quality time" with YSD during the week while she was in school. Somehow, he felt this would give him more day-to-day, real-life interaction instead of "weekend" interaction. I don't know. Anyway, he made up the yearly schedule as always, but instead of EOWE he would do a weekend followed by a 4-day visit during the week. It was super annoying and I blogged about it at the time.
For me, the problem was that...whereas before I always knew when we'd have her and could mentally (and literally) prepare...now it was impossible to keep up with. He worked the schedule around his work and her school holidays...so sometimes there'd be 18 days between visits and sometimes there'd be 7 days. He still got his same 8-10 days a month, but now it felt completely haphazard.
On top of that, I mostly work from home and YSD was an upperclassman who had half-days...so she was always bursting in unexpectedly at noon, talking full voice while I was on a conference call..etc. I'm also the one who does 90% of the shopping...so inevitably I'd do my normal grocery shop for the week on Sunday and then glance at the family calendar and realize...oh s***. YSD is here Tuesday-Friday.
It was intolderable. In my opinion, it takes something that is already unbelievably disruptive and difficult for your household and makes it even more disruptive and difficult. Again...both mentally and literally. I can't imagine dealing with that while also caring for a new baby. It messed with my mind and also added to my workload in an unfair way. We did this for a little over a year...and then I put my foot down and said absolutely not. We're going back to EOWE immediately.
It's disruptive and even
It's disruptive and even though I can choose to not interact or whatever, it's still another person in my home sporadically and I don't like that. I've always been a private person anyway and an introvert and this stuff really affects me mentally even if I try to not expend that energy.
Yep...me too 100%.
Yep...me too 100%.
DH is more extroverted...and I think men in general don't feel the need to be "on" or extend hospitality as much as women do (again...speaking very generally). If my DH had something to do, he could just go to his office and barely interact with YSD and not be bothered by her presence at all. I always felt rude if I didn't interact and like I had to be "on" the way you would with a house guest. DH didn't see why it was a big deal...but it was to me.
Thankfully, when I finally expressed this in strong enough terms, he did change the arrangement.
He doesn't get it still. He
He doesn't get it still. He said that SD is always welcome over and it's her home, too. Well I know she doesn't see it that way. As I've said before, and many STalkers know, BM's will always be "home". Even last week, SD asked us if we have food because she doesn't feel "at home" enough to check the fridge and cabinets like she used to. Or she's just as lazy as ever.. Who knows?
AmEn!
I remember those days when Chef would say he wants our house to be a "home to the skids." (TM) That just is not possible with an HCGubm. The one big happy family model (TM) never works in those circumstances and it barely works in situations where the parents are not insane.
And in my case, the convenient forgetting that the house is actually mine only and not Chef's to be generous with. I allow Chef to live with me not the other way around.
I clearly remember all three skids referring to the Girhippo's house as at "OUR house" or "at MY house" or "my family had a corn eating contest" (rolling eyes) etc etc. Never once did they say "at Mom's house."
Yep.
Yep.
its a weirdly common divorced dad fantasy that is often simply not attainable. I also heard the “This is their home too!” and “my kids never have to ASK to come over” and “my kids will ALWAYS have a place to stay here!” nonsense.
Like your skids...that just wasn’t realistic. They always said they were going “home” when visitation was over. We did our best...but they always felt like guests.
So why should I suffer in the ONLY home I have in order to maintain an unrealistic fantasy of TWO homes for the skids?
I'm not tired of your posts
I'm not tired of your posts whatsoever. I get it. After I had my baby, my feelings towards SD changed quite a bit and I had a really, really hard time tolerating her, even on her good days. There is something so instinctual about mom's wanting to spent all their time with their baby and not share that attention with unrelated children. I think it's entirely normal you're feeling this way. And honestly, I would bet it's not so much the lack of schedule that bugs you but seeing her more than you need to.
I mean, really, would you be happier if DH got a schedule in place and went by the CO if it meant having her 50/50? I bet not. So try not to fight about things that aren't truly what you're feeling, and instead, let DH know that he's welcome to have his daughter over but you're not going to be responsible for everything she needs on top of everything your baby needs. He can handle her while she comes over.
If you have to, tell the truth. Explain to him that mothers have a biological urge to focus on their babies while they're young. Explain that you do want to enjoy time with his daughter but right now, you're really building a connection with the baby you just very recently gave birth to. Send him research and evidence that supports this bonding process and how it relates to spending time with unrelated children.
It is normal. I've heard from teachers especially who struggle while pregnant/in the months after birth being around their students. Moms just want bonding time - that's all. And that's okay. DH made a point to redirect SD in the beginning days when I felt the way you feel. If she was bugging me or trying to steal attention, he would take her and play with her somewhere else. If I wanted time alone with the baby, he wouldn't bug me if I went to my bedroom and cuddled for a while.
Now that my babe is 15 months, it's getting a lot better and I've been back to spending time with my stepdaughter. She lives with us full-time so the transition from stepmom to biological mom having to deal with stepkid was really, really rough but having my husband understand the dynamic was super helpful.
I always thought in your
I always thought in your situation that 100% custody would guarantee that I'd love SD as my own. 50/50 was incredibly hard because there's still no set rules because everything is undone the week she goes back to BM's.
Now I realize it is just plain difficult to treat a skid as your own- impossible even. And my SD keeps to herself 99% of the time. So her just being over whenever is convenient still feels intrusive to me.
This is a place to vent. I
This is a place to vent. I know my story is very "old" in some eyes. But this is the ONLY place I can vent. I have absoutely no one I can talk to about our family/SD/DH's lack of parenting and so on.
I think its normal to focus on your baby and not focus on the drama. That is for your DH to manage. Its his kid, he needs to work out that situation. Period.
I'm trying to see it from his
I'm trying to see it from his perspective. SD and I used to be very close but the older she gets, the more she is like BM and always takes her side. It is completely obvious that SD is afraid of BM's retribution. Remember when I posted that even a few months ago, SD wouldn't see The Grinch with us first because "BM would get mad" and punish her with shame for doing something with dad before she could? It's so pathetic and I'm just over it. I thought time would help but it seems to make things worse and a never ending competition and control game.