StepLife would be easier if 50/50 visits
Do any of you stepparents think step life would be easier/better/less drama if COV was 50/50? Or any steps who have that schedule think it got better after that was in place?
At this time, 50/50 wouldn't even be a possibility. Our house is too small (only 4x/mo when SD is here, is it too small). But sometimes I wonder if once we have a bigger house, we should pursue going that route or keep COV as is (EOWE).
The reasons I think it would make life with SD easier is because it would allow more time with us, thus a greater influence on her.
The issues surrounding SD are things not of her fault but due to poor parenting (BM sucks and SO sucked but is stepping up tremendously although 4x/mo doesn't allow for many big changes to occur that quickly).
A major issue is her lack of self-sufficiency and basic life skills. The only way to solve that is by teaching her to do things on her own and enforcing she continue to do so.
Her being behind in school is an issue that with more time with us would mean more consistent involvement on that. She would work on school work here and read with her dad every night.
Her iPad usage would be monitored closer here. No more inappropriate TikTok. Setting time limits.
Her sleep schedule would actually be a consistent routine here where she would have a bedtime and was expected to wake up at a reasonable time.
Her being a guest in my home because she doesn't understand our daily routine and life.
Idk if I'd truly ever want her around more because maybe this is just fantasy thinking here and it'd end up being more of a hassle and work than the benefits. But a part of me believes if she was more like us and OUR FAMILY, I'd enjoy her more. She's overall a decent and easy kid, she doesn't disrespect me, my DD, my SO, or our home. It's just the issues above and one small peeve is that she's just kind of a dud and a bit boring because she doesn't have much of a personality or interests but overall she's ok.
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Comments
I think that if you establish
I think that if you establish 50/50 at a young enough age where they are still "moldable" it would be the ideal. However, 11, 12, teenagers... I don't see them making the changes. If BM babies them and lets them have their way all the time it just means that they are miserable and make you miserable right along with them for 50% of the time.
She's 8 right now and that is
She's 8 right now and that is something I worry about. If she's already past the point of change
I don't know, even with 50/50
I don't know, even with 50/50, if one parent is useless, the kids fail to develop appropriately, and often, just end up wanting more time with the parent who doesn't have rules and structure. And you spend your 50% fighting them to behave appropriately.
Be careful what you wish for.
Her BM will always be useless
Her BM will always be useless. Her dad has been stepping up majorly lately and it has changed dynamics a bit but not near where I'd need it to be to consider 50/50. Maybe I'm just in fantasy land and I need to be brought back to earth lol. And agree she'd probably resent us for parenting because she'll get to do whatever she wishes at her BMs.
My husband has 50/50 and it
My husband has 50/50 and it is horrible. I used to think what you are thinking. That we would be a bigger influence on SD, it would make her not turn out like her awful mother. But, here we are 4 years later (after getting 50/50 at 3 years old) and SD is miserable to be around. She is a brat, she is just like her mother with no respect for authority. I wish SD was only here every other weekend. It would make her much more tolerable.
Wow I'd imagine it'd have a
Wow I'd imagine it'd have a bigger impact at 3yo! Mines 8 so that would guarantee she's too far set in her ways from BM.
DH and BM have 50/50, but
DH and BM have 50/50, but really, nothing is different. OSD still PAS'd out and YSD has issues and poor parenting on both sides doesn't overcome any time differential.
I would never wish for more time
It's doubtful that you would be able to make a difference with more time. We have my SKs 100% of the time, never a break. I thought I could help them. So naive. They just push back so hard.
I would give ANYTHING to get a regular break from the skids. Maybe I'm just jaded, but more time would probably just equal more misery.
Be careful what you ask for
50/50 would be great! Right now I think we have SS more we have him ALL summer and 3 weekends a month, We are the strick household with all the rules and structure BM doesn't pay enough attention to him to have any of that, as long as he is not bothering her she doesn't care. Before they had their agreement he came every other weekend, at least I could plan with that, BM just assumes every weekend is ours anymore but now SS has school friends and spent last weekend at home at his request. I don't want him FULL time but I wouldn't dare say that to DH.
Oh my 3 weekends? I feel like
Oh my 3 weekends? I feel like that's worse than 50/50!
Ha...we had 50/50 with SD and the GWR
didn't make a damn bit of difference since Beaver's 50% was ALLLLL about not doing homework or anything really. They were "friends"....so that in the end Dh's influence meant squat and GWR PAS'd right on out of here and is now pretty much a blight on society. SD althought better still just wants to make mommy happy even if it means going against DH.
I had 50/50 with my ex and chose to NOT make my kids my friends and neither did my ex the Village Idiot. Now he is an idiot but even he knew not overrule me or go against me in regards to the kids, etc. That and the GAL ruled I had final say so there...
It can work but it has to be on both sides...if one side is the "here have no rules I'm your friend..not parent" it won't matter.
See that's exactly how my
See that's exactly how my situation is too. SD is younger than yours are but same concept. Her mom is her friend (she's even said she likes it that way because then SD "talks" to her about annnything and makes them so close).
Lol I love what you say about your X. You sound like a strong mother and your X knows not to go against what you say. That's how I'd be as well if SO and I split.
But you're right. It works if both parents are strong. That's not our case. Thanks for making me see the light! Our strong influence wouldn't conquer BM influence, even if she was with us equal time. It's unfortunate my SO had to choose a shit mom to breed with and now we deal with the consequences of it. Though I also "chose this life", I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until I was almost due with our DD.