Wow, I'm happy for you that your BF sounds like a great guy. Hold onto that thought. So many guys don't want to take responsibility...It won't be easy through the custody thing, but your love and support will mean everything to him after it's all said and done one day. Guess we can vent and come to places like this for support, meanwhile! Ask yourself, is BF worth it? If so, there's your answer...

yepp! I'm jealous of every time DH talks to ex, and let me tell you she ain't nothin' to look at, and is usually extremely hateful to DH...But the emotion is still there, and I have to stuff it down!

How old is the child and why can he only see the child at his parents house?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Guy here - just so no one responds with "you go girl" like my last post.

You don't have a role with this child. The father barely has a role. If you are focusing on that already - the cart is before the horse.

The emotions surrounding this whole event have to be high. From a male point of view, if someone were fishing around or constantly wanting to discuss their role, I would say " I don't need this right now". This is assuming you are voicing yourself to him and not just here. We men are great problem solvers, but get VERY easily and quickly overwhelmed in emotional and stressful matters. Men will be quicker to despair.

For my 2 cents, your role right now is support of him. Be with him, give him opportunities to vent (constructively - not take out his frustration on you)if he sees the child and wants you to go, go. But it is way too early to focus on your long term role - especially since you are currently a girlfriend, not a wife. No offense - but you may break off in 6 months and none of this will be relevant. I hope that is not the case, and wish you much happiness and clear sailing!

AWB

Take this whole thing as slow as you can and proceed with caution. You still have your own place, don't you? It would be good to keep things separate. Just so you know, ex-wives/BM's never go away. NEVER. Don't get jealous of anything about her. I'm not jealous of my DH's ex-wife, I just basically don't like her at all. I think she is the most manipulative disgusting creature on the Earth (besides her adult daughters and sister. Oh, and her dad is in there as well, yuck). So, just use caution, proceed slowly. Men are typically "problem solvers" but sometimes they don't solve a thing. Keep that in mind. Often, us women can think things through just as well if not better. Use your instincts. Your gut feelings on this. And whatever you do, don't marry him until you know the entire history here for sure. Wow. I suspect there is more going on than he is telling you.

Sorry but if I were you I would be out of there.

Take a read through my bio and you'll see.

I like what abeaulieu06 said, take the high road. I always have with BM, when she said she was going to kick my *** I responded "I'm sorry you feel that way". The only time I did speak my mind to BM I asked her why she decided to get pregnant and eventually she whined to the Judge about it and I was told to be more respectful.

ratigan555 has a good perspective too, I only want to add that you should not be afraid to stand up for yourself when it comes to BF.

Like ratigan555 said, it is stressful and difficult for they guy, but don't accept being treated as a secret, as a nobody in the situation, or like your feelings aren't important.

Encourage him as a father, let him know that you believe in him and his ability to take care of his child. I feel without the right encouragement the father can, as ratigan555 said, get overwhelmed and believe whatever bm says must go. DH and I went through that, and I've got to say I don't envy you right now. I actually took myself to a therapist for several months right after SD was born. for exactly the reasons you posted.

Stand up for yourself, but do it with DH, not BM.

I approached it as, I was his girlfriend, I respected and encouraged his relationship with his child. But I refused to dissappear just because he did have his child or because bm would be around or call.

For example, when BM told DH if he allowed me at his house she would not let him have his visit with SD. DH and I spent every day together and while he did not want to be apart, he asked me to park in his garage and stay in the bedroom while BM dropped off SD. My response,
"Heck NO!" "I am your girlfriend 100% of the time, not just when it's easy or convenient." DH hung up on me, and I thought it was OVER! I was still fuming when he called back and told me BM quizzed him about wheather or not I would be there, and he stood up to her and said yes. BM lost it, loaded up SD and left, throwing the diapers and formula he bought for her in the yard on her way. Him standing up to her then, strengthend us as couple and allowed us to weather the storm that is BM for years to follow.

Don't feel guilty for telling him what you need. Like the therapist told me, it's not an ultamatum, it's simply you expressing to him what YOU are willing to accept in YOUR life. If HE doesn't feel that is acceptable, explain that maybe it is better for both of you to walk away. Him respecting you and placing importance on your relationship is going to be the example he sets for his child.

I never wanted to rub our relationship in BM's face, but when she would send text or call him with anything that was not directly related to SD I would insist that Dh politely respond that he had a girlfriend and he would appreciate it if she would be respectful of that and limit their contact to be about SD only.

BM is the mother of his child, but that role can be respected WITHOUT having to walk on eggshells or take a backseat to her wishes. I always told DH, "If we baby her now, when is it going to end? BM will expect us to bow down to her forever. RIP THE BAND AID OFF and make it easier on all of us. At least if she flips out every time we see her now, maybe it will be all over by the time SD is old enough to remember anything."

I'm sorry this is so long, as you can tell even now, 5 years later, I still get worked up remembering how that felt.

Good luck, stay strong and feel free to message me too.

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-