Looking for coping strategies
My DH and I have been married 1.5yrs but have lived together for 2.5. He has SD8 and together we have a 7mo son. We were cautious in the beginning of our relationship. I didn't spend the night if SD was with him (until I moved in after we got engaged) and didn't assume any kind of parental role until I moved in. When I moved in, however, I became the "mom at dad's house."
At first, this was great for me. I loved the idea of a family. SD and BM had a rocky-ish relationship, so SD leaned on me for a while. BM has since straightened out. She is a great mom and SD loves her. But now I'm regretful of everything I've signed myself up for. Who in their right mind would sign themself up to have hubbie's ex in their life? Or the product of hubbies ex? Oh right... someone in love!
having been in SD's life since she was 4, I know my impact will be significant. But I'm attmepting to redefine our relationship so I'm not constantly sulking at the fact that I'm not her mom.
My attitude is completely different and negative when SD is here and when she's not. My feelings toward my husband are different too. I truly believe everyone involved is great people, SD, DH, BM, her step-dad. BM's lifestyle is quite different from ours, but there has been little to no drama in the four years we've been together. I just feel I am not cut out for this.
I suppose I'm looking for coping strategies. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as them (DH & SD). Please ask questions if this is not enough info, still trying to get it all straight in my head.
ETA: SD is with us 4/7 nightS
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In what way does BM impinge
In what way does BM impinge on your life? Can't you just ignore her and her husband? After all, there's no real reason for your to be around her, is there?
Usually both come to pick up
Usually both come to pick up SD and we chat for a few minutes. I am the one who initiates if we do communicate outside of that.
be busy whe she comes or, and
be busy whe she comes or, and I'm not one bit ashamed of this, put your phone on silent and hold it up to your ear and pretend you're on the phone. say generic sypathetic things or ask vague questions like you're listening to someone. Do that hand thing that says "sorry but I need to take this" wave.
I should add- We also have a
I should add- We also have a lot of mutuals. DH's family still asks about BM, my SIL is still friends with BM. She comes up quite a bit actually. And ive been with DH longer than they were together so it's just... weird to me sometimes. But I have no experience with divorce in my family (granted they were never married) so idk if it just comes with the territory?
It seems odd to me that your
It seems odd to me that your DH's family would ask you or him about his ex ... Maybe ask them why they keep bringing her up like that? She is no longer part of his life and it's time they understood that. Are they trying to make some kind of a point? How does yur DH feel about this?
SIL is entitled to be friends with whoever she pleases, of couirse.
First of all
It's DHs kid. He has to make time for drop offs or pick ups. He can not be " Too busy ". When BM comes. SD 8 is old enough to walk out by her self to BM car. Both DH and BM is wayching SD walking 50 feet.
All the above comments are
All the above comments are great coping strategies for a short term bandaid fix but you need to dig deeper into this. If SD, DH and BM are great people then what's triggering you? Is it stress from the new baby? Unprocessed grief at "losing" SD back to BM? What is it? Yes, you can be eternally on the phone when BM comes by but that won't fly forever. If you want to handball the job back to DH then that's your right but he'll probably want more of a reson than "she sets me off". You need to communicate to your DH. But you also need to have a deep think about why you're reacting the way you are. SD is never going to stop existing. Even if you decide you're not cut out for step life, she'll always be your baby's half sibling. A lot of the thing you say/do now will set the tone for the sibling relationship those two will have.
DH and I were both trying to
DH and I were both trying to create a mother-daughter relationship, and initially this worked. So yes, there is some grief there. Having my own child too has really helped me understand better how the mom-child relationship works, and it was never my relationship to have with SD in the first place. But, I overextended emotionally and at this point SD doesn't really seem to care about me one way or the other. I think that's what stings the most.
DH and I had a great conversation about it. I would like to take a step back in my relationship with SD, but I don't know where to begin. What is my role even supposed to be?