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Sounds like the novelty has worn off

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Sun, 09/08/2013 - 12:34am

Friday morning, DH finally got to hear ss13 say that he didn't want to go to BM's and he wished he could just stay home.

It's taken about a year and a half for SS to vocalize this. BM basically disappeared from his life when he was only 5 but reemerged (magically) when SS was 11 - just around the time dh and I became serious.

Anyway, ss longed for his mom so dh gave her EOWe visitation through the courts. After his first overnight visit, SS broke dh's heart when he asked if he could live with bm one day and visit his dad on the weekends.

Dh gave up everything to raise SS on his own. Sure, he's made tons and tons of mistakes but it was just the two of them for such a long time.

Anyway, we knew the novelty of visiting his mother at the home she shares with her girlfriend (the one she left dh and SS for) and the gf's parents.

Now that SS is vocalizing not wanting to go, I'm not sure what the next steps are. Dh told him he has to go because of the court order. I said that SS and bm would have to work out any decrease in the schedule between te two of them (since dh and bm can't have a rational discussion and dh has a ro against bm). Dh said, then we can establish the history, get the court order changed and go after her for support.

Not sure what the best approach is - both for SS and for us financially. (she pays no child support)

I think he'd be better off with less contact with his mother and apparently now that he's gotten to know her, he may be realizing the same.

Anyone been through this?

Comments

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 09/08/2013 - 7:27am

I'm glad that DH got that validation, maybe it will put his mind at ease over the online gaming. But in all honesty this could be a one off, sometimes kids are just not in the mood to up-sticks, it doesn't mean he's over having a relationship with his mother. And it's always better to be the bigger person and support his having the time with his mother, for his benefit. Don't tell him he has to go because if the court order, tell him it's important to spend time with his mother.

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Sun, 09/08/2013 - 7:35am

Thats exactly what I was looking for. "it's important for you to spend time with your mother".

Bm never even wanted these EOWes. She just wanted him eo sat night but dh pushed the judge to give her more for the benefit of SS getting to know her.

It's hard because on one hand, we'd like to limit time so he's minimally exposed to her drug use, lies and mind fu$!ing she does. But on the other hand, we do want him to have an actual relationship with her and want to support it regardless of our feelings.

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Sun, 09/08/2013 - 7:43am

When they were finalizing the divorce, she claimed that they'd been together during her 7 year absence and asked for spousal support since she was only working 5 hours a week. Dh was in between large jobs at the time so he was (in essence) not working at the specific time. The judge ran cs and SS numbers based on what was provided ( even though bm was lieing and many of the docs she provided were altered) it worked out to dh owing bm. So the judge didn't order anything for anyone.

So our thought was to wait until we were very clear that she's back to work and file.
She has EOWe and 6 weeks in summer at this point. We'd hate to go after cs and have dh end up owing her if she does only still work 5 hours a week. It's been a little over a year since that court date.

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Sun, 09/08/2013 - 8:12am

He was still married to her for the 7 years she was gone. He was afraid to do anything because all his friends told him that the courts favor te mother and he'd lose his son. Horrible advice and they forgot to take into account the fact that bm didn't want SS.

Neither of then used a lawyer during the divorce and custody hearings though we consulted with one for coaching. Our state looks at both parents' income and percentage of time and child support is based on that. Based on the current custody, and her having those 6 weeks in the summer, if she's still only working 6 hours, dh could end up having to pay her.