I have finally made it clear to dh that I CANNOT/will not support 7 people on my own income by myself, and things are quickly starting to unravel-and our marriage is now in jeopardy. I told him that my first reaction to sd being pg was that she has 6 months to get out and I NEED to stand by that. Some of you know what’s going on some don’t but while sd15 was here for the weekend I got mad at her (but so angry with everything) that I almost hit her (I did jokingly-barley touched her while playing a game, but the intention and desire to hurt someone WAS THERE) I also told her afterwards to make sure she tells her mom I hit her (pretty much asking dh to make me leave) I said this because while dh and bm were discussing sd13 bm revealed that she knows A LOT of what’s going on around our house-if sd15 witness’s it-good or bad she repeats-yeah I was irritated, but still is NO reason to act against a child-regardless. Also, I have been telling dh for a while to close the fucking cabinet doors (because I’m JUST tall enough that if left open at the right angle I hit my head and it hurts) and he can’t ever “remember” to do this. So Tuesday morning I WANTED to slam one up against my head-to draw blood to see if that would work. So wanting to hit sd and wanting to hurt myself told me THERE IS A PROBLEM. I told dh a week ago that I’m struggling BAD right now, and need him to pick himself up, and that I’m tired of being told to deal with it from the beginning on EVERYTHING-so far, nothing has changed.

So I take refuge to my mom’s house while dd is with her dad for the holidays. I went there last night and just let loose on her about EVERYTHING. I stay til about 9 and head home; I get home, take my work cup to the kitchen and see YET AGAIN a sink full of dishes. I say nothing, I head to the tub, and then dh and I talk. I told him I CANNOT support sd especially after basically lying to us and that I refuse to support 7 people on my income alone, I WONT do it. I told him I might be able to hold off a while longer if he AND sd24 were working but I just can’t, not like this. Especially after a day of telling him that I’m struggling then I come home with dirty dishes in the sink and HE SAYS the dishwasher was full-SO WASH THEM BY HAND!

So he admits that he was just avoiding “kicking her out” but knows and understands that I’m right, she needs to get out if SHE can’t quit reproducing-so I told him well, MY first reaction was 6 months-jan IS 6 months. So we agreed she needs to be out by end of this Jan.

So this morning-yet another blow out, he’s yelling at me to get up (I’m losing my thrive to get up in the mornings) I told him “I don’t need to get up this early because I KNOW what I’m taking” and he tells me “that’s no excuse” I LOST IT. I get up start looking for my clothes to pack to go stay at my mom’s for a few days I have NO pants, NO clean jeans NO bra’s (though I don’t have a lot there is NO reason with SOMEONE THERE all fucking day, why I should EVER run out of clean clothes)-I tell him so what about the fact that every fucking time you have a chance to go look for a job SOMETHING comes up and you don’t? I can’t call in because I have an abscessed tooth that hurts like hell. When I bite I want to scream, yet I can’t take pain medicine because it’ll put me to sleep and I HAVE TO WORK because no one else will. But right now *I* have no excuse??? What about the fact that YOU were here all damn day, and sd got home at 3pm from looking for a job, yet the TWO loads of laundry that need done aren’t and *I* have no excuse. His response “I’m SICK”. So I walk away and tell him as I’m walking away “I’m so sick and tired of being told to deal with it and that’s the EXACT attitude you’re giving me.” he also walks away and slams the door shut-I tell him if THAT’S how it’s going to be I don’t WANT to be here.

So really, I don’t see this lasting another month I really don’t hell I really don’t see this lasting another week without me blowing up. I told dh where THEY BOTH could go to come home with a job, and not ONE of them went-sd did go to temp agencies-but because she got up when she felt like it a position she COULD’VE had if she was up and attem like I ASKED for her to be she WOULD’VE come home with a job.

So dh does agree that I need to get away for a while-but 2 things came up this morning that reminded me why I DON’T. 1) no one does laundry til THEY run out of clothes 2) he can’t survive more than 12 hours without me-before I left, he asked “what about gas and cigarettes” I told him “that’s a lot of it there too, you can’t survive without me for more than 12 hours” W H Y I threw him one of the cc’s is beyond me-probably just to make him shut up and get out???