and sadly, your paranoia has a basis in fact. My FSS admitted to me that BM told him to IGNORE me whenever he's here, which he seemed to realize is not realistic or fair. I am inclined to believe that she has toned down her attitude but I don't actually know because I have yet to exchange 3 sentences with her.

You will excluded from a lot of activities. Things might get better but don't hold your breath. The best you can do is to try to have a life outside of what you are entering into. If you are excluded from something, try to make plans with some other friends. Your life isn't just DH and his kids.

Be available for the daughter if she needs you, but let her know you aren't trying to replace her mom and that it isn't a betrayal of her mom for her to be friends with you.

This is very hard when BM is openly and blatantly hostile to you.

It's a long hard road.

First, no one can tell you where to go or what to do. The BM doesn't get to decide whether you attend or not. YOU get to decide that.

Second, why on earth are you entertaining phone calls from this woman? She clearly doesn't want you in her daughter's life. There's no reason whatsoever for you to have to talk to her at all. Any communication about the child should be between the child's parents. As stepparents, we get to decide how much or how little we want to be exposed to the ex. If you don't want to talk to her, you don't have to. If you don't want to make waves by avoiding her, then the next time she tells you to stay away, you just say, "Well, I haven't yet decided whether to attend, but I will take your wishes into consideration." Consider her wishes, if you want to, but do as YOU please. Make decisions based on what you, SD and DH want, not based on what BM wants.

Third, understand that skids are going to hear all sorts of things from their parents, but what they will remember is what they actually experience for themselves. Meaning, twenty years from now she will be less likely to remember her mother telling her to stay away from you than she will be to remember you being there for her to cheer her on at her games.

It's not an easy life at all, but it's harder if you let yourself be put on the fringes. When you marry this man, you become a stepparent. You become a co-parent in your home. You don't become this child's mother, but you do become a parental figure. You can be a part of the child's life without usurping the mother's role. I'm both, BM and SM. I would want my kids to have a stepmother who cared enough about them to attend their events. And I want my skids to know that I love and care enough about them to want to be a part of their lives.

You can find a level of involvment that feels good to you and your family. Just make sure that however involved you become, you make that a decision between you, DH and SD. SD may be BM's child, but that doesn't mean you can't be a part of her life, too.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

why do you not just ask her yourself what she wants?
my daughter had a dance performance to day and i just asked my hubby what he would do if he was asked by her dad not to go,he said ask her what she wants? who gives a crap what the BM wants.it's about the kids, your job is not to please her,and you might as well know now you never will.so don't even try....

have to have with BF and then both of them together(to show a united front to his daughter).If you are going to make a life with him,and you are a HUGE part of his life, this is something that his daughter AND her Mom are going to have to eventually accept.BF is going to HAVE to talk to his daughter that you and he are a "couple" who are about to get married,there cannot be any half-way deals here.Try talking to BF about this and explain to him how you feel,make him understand that both of you are being controlled by a child and someone(BM)who should not EVEN have a say in how Dad lives his life.
Good Luck,

hangingin

Talk to the SD - tell her its important for yu to go because you want to build that time and those memories with her too - tell her you are just fine with her acting if she doesn't want you there and it can be your secret. I used to not go to drop offs and didnt answer my husbands phone because she couldnt handle it. ALl that did was make her call and text constantly, even when I wasn't around. I told her point blank I pay that phone bill too and if she didn't want me to answer it if he wasn't around it (especially when she hangs up and calls right back over and over) not to call. My SD is old enough to use the phone herself.
I think its the BM's way of having your FDH to herself and controlling him. In her mind if you respect her wishes, she gets that time with him and might can convince him that you aren't good for him.

You know its funny, this is common, but I don't know of any men that have asked the Step Dads not to come - men move on faster.

In my case BM totally refuses to acknowledge my existence, unless it is to put me down to SD or DH. BM's brainwashing has now started to work, and to SD's credit it took about 4 years. BUT...

DH would not stand for me to be uninvited by SD. He would tell SD that whether or not I go is up to me and if I want to go I am always invited. BM didn't attend any events for a while because we would be there (doesn't want DH there either, so maybe that's why it's easier for DH to draw that line.)

Your DH needs to back you up, needs to tell his daughter that you are going to be a part of their lives, and that BM needs to relax and not cause a problem. Even if SD defends BM (mine does for minor discussions like this even though BM is the one who says really rude inappropriate things about us) DH doesn't care. He tells SD he will not play games like this regardless if her mother chooses to.

Point is I guess that it is not up to children to say who does what. Even if this is coming from SD it is a power play. It is a public event and you are allowed to go. Free country. I have a feeling, that once you go several times and don't bow down to SD you will be establishing a good boundary as to who is in charge - ie the parents.

Kids figure out quickly how to emotionally blackmail us in these situations. I know we want to think they're innocents and all, but they are just kids trying to make a situation work for them. The challenge we have as parents is to balance their need to feel cared for, with their need to use control as a coping mechanism, BM inspired or not.

Hope that made sense!

Peace, love, and red wine

I found one locally, but when I contacted the person who ran it she told me that it had broken up due to lack of interest! I couldn't believe that. I have thought of starting one here, but first I'm looking into a Blended family retreat/ Step Parent retreat/ Step Mom retreat kind of thing. I think that this group online is a good place to start. As soon as I'm caught up and done with my writer's retreat in April I'm going to start working on it. I will be posting something near the end of April, to start getting a regional break down for those interested in forming a retreat.

Part of that came out of my wonderful experience at a writer's retreat here in Ohio that I'm attending next month. It's such an incredible experience. The other motivator was trying to find something for my SD and I to do together. I think a SM/SD retreat would be fantastic. I couldn't even find a mother/daughter retreat to try!

Two women on here wanted to try to come to my retreat next month, but couldn't do it this year. As far as a SM retreat, some of us on here have talked about Pittsburgh, Michigan or Chicago as possible meeting places.

More on that later.

You may have a local site, or there may be one in a large city nearby. I would like to find one myself.

Peace, love, and red wine

Back in the Summer, SS13 joined a football league and was very excited about having BF and I attend. When the big game day came, we were told by BM that SS didn't want us to come afterall.

We were crushed and unsure why... Was it b/c he was embarrassed of us? That's what DH thought and I told him I didn't believe that.

Today, I'm not so sure if it just wasn't a combination of things... First, his kids have shared with me that they're at least self conscience that their dad is much older than most of their friends parents (I did not share this with DH) and I also believe BM just didn't want DH there to begin with, but especially with me.

DH asked SS directly if this was his wish and he scrambled to answer, but did say that it was his wish. (All while BM was standing next to him).

We didn't go.

In your case, DH decided not to stand up to BM about your presence. If my DH did that to me, I think I'd feel betrayed. Afterall, if he wants me in his life and his life includes his kids, then it's either all the time or not, right? This isn't a "part-time" job.

As you can see, I'm just trying to figure this out too. But I think I'd avoid talking to SD... (leave that to BF unless SD opens the door herself). But I would definitely talk to DH and let him know that if he's asking you to be part of his life, then he has to promise that he can protect you from other people trying to hurt you by making you feel unwanted. You don't deserve that and he should be able to see when you're hurt. And if he doesn't, tell him.

You sound like a very considerate person. Please be so to yourself.

Best,

I just had to write to you and let you know there is ONE HOPE that may help. You MUST go to family counseling with your Fiance and your soon to be SD. To iron this all out. After all that I've been through with my now EX DBF and his two daughters it all could have been avoided or at least I would have had the choice and wisdom that if that after counseling that it didn't work out that I could have not put myself in many many situations like you are in right now. Here is what WILL happen if you don't get into counseling and work it out. You will CONTINUE to be punished (just by being with your fiance) by not being invited to ANY EVENTS IN THE FUTURE! You WILL SIT AT HOME FEELING HURT ANGRY AND RESENTFUL because of the disrespectful way that you are being treated without just reason. Then next thing you know there will be graduation, birthdays, christmas holidays etc...Your husband will be invited only, attend with the EXWIFE in attendance and YOU WILL BE ALL ALONE. DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN BEING THERE BESIDE YOUR MAN. PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO INCORPORATE YOU INTO THIS GAME OF CHOOSING SIDES! YOUR FIANCE SHOULD AND MUST SIT THE EXWIFE AND KIDS DOWN AND TELL THEM YOU ARE TOGETHER AND WILL BE ATTENDING EVENTS TOGETHER SINCE YOU ARE A COUPLE. If he chooses not to do this and you stay in the relationship YOU will be miserable! TRUST ME! I went throught this for the past 9 years and finally had enough and broke up! IT WILL BECOME MORE AND MORE DISFUNCTIONAL and PAINFUL AS TIME GOES. PLEASE DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR AND GET THIS IRONED OUT BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM. DON'T SETTLE FOR ANY LESS! YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST!
DA

When I wrote last night, I realized I only touched the surface but knew that others would fill in the gaps.

That's why I LOVE this site.

As far as exclusion is concerned, it wasn't until Father's Day of last year that I REFUSED to be excluded from holidays. We have since negotiated a decent settlement of how to split them, but this means basically that FH does not mix with BM because he really doesn't want to anyway.

If there's one thing I wish we had settled sooner, it is the holidays. Your fiance should talk to BM about them, probably without you, but before he agrees to anything, you should know and agree with them too. If they can't agree (or you don't agree) then try a counselor, if that doesn't work, you need a lawyer. That's what it took in my situation.

As for the other things, I don't have much to add, except that I live in PITTSBURGH and would be more than happy to meet my fellow step-parents!!