ex wife, boundries, and respect
Okay, its been a long time since I have written here. Because of the help I got here, I have come a long way. I have another issue that has popped up that I need some advice on. Step kids are 22 and 25 now. The 22 year old is just starting to play volleyball for a college that gave her a nice scholorship for. The college is local, but still about 35 miles from our home. The ex wife lives just a mile from our home. She lost her job and her car is undrivable. Now keep in mind that I have told my husband to give her his car when he decides to purchase another one. (his car is older with little value, but runs good). He has no immmediate plans to change vehicles, just talks about it. So.... the first home volleyball game comes up two nights in a row (fri-sat). I am working and unable to attend. When I get home friday night I ask him about the game. Knowing the ex has no car, I asked if she was there. He answers yes. I ask how'd she get there. He said he didn't know and wanted to stop talking about the ex. Ok, so I did and our evening went on fine. A few days later, I snooped in his phone. ( I have to, its the only way I know the truth about anything). I find texts to the exwife telling her he will pick her up to drive her to the game. So my husband lied to my face when I had asked how she got there.
I attempted a few days later to have a rational discussion with him about this. I am willing to allow him to drive her, I just think she should be aware that I know she's with my husband. My feeling is this is a good way to leave the past behind and finally have a decent, mutually respectful relationship. He refuses to tell her and refuses to stop driving her. I told him that I don't like it and I don't approve simply because he has done nothing to make this right with or for me.
Anyone her think I'm being way out of line?
Thanks
He lied to your face about
He lied to your face about driving her, and he refuses to tell her that you know that he is driving her? Why? Why let her think that they have this big secret and that they are going behind your back?
I would be pissed, pissed, pissed.
Oh no, no, no and hell no to
Oh no, no, no and hell no to the hell no...
Am I clear?
Okay a lot of us here put up with a lot because we love our husbands and wish to behave reasonably; but you just set the dang crazy bar-- kind lady!
Your husband lied to you about driving his ex wife to a game because she has no car? Is that what I am to understand here?
Please tell me my comprehension of your situation is all messed up, before I respond any further. If I am understanding this the way I think you have written it (literally), I have to catch my breath before I respond back to you.
You comprehenen very well. He
You comprehenen very well. He decided this all on his own without consulting with me first. I was just being quizative when I asked him about his ex...... if she was there and how she got there. It was then he lied right to my face and wanted to quickly drop the subject, which I did.
First, I am sorry you are
First, I am sorry you are having to live with any situation, such as this; but at least you are smart enough to check behind this liar. Good for you! You should not have to do that in a healthy relationship, but you know that, already. (We all deal with some issues, but you cannot deal with a total lack of veracity from this man and have any quality life). You have to make a serious decision, based upon his responses to you.
Okay lady, you have a deal breaker here and he has damaged your ability to trust him..on many levels because he has:
1. Lied directly to you.
2. Communicated and planned with his ex wife behind your back.
3. Withheld and secreted information for some odd reason, from you to avoid planning with you.
4. Refused to even provide any rationale for all the above, to you, his wife.
I would insist on speaking to him privately regarding all the above and expect some answer back from him. I am not certain he can come up with anything to rationalize his highly inappropriate behavior, but still try to listen. Then, explain (1-4) above and tell him he can hear you out and listen to what you have to say or leave immediately; you'll help him pack.
If he does not humble himself and apologize and promise this BS and lying will stop and also show signs of follow-through-- whenever, go get the largest suitcase you own and tell him to get in touch with you when he decides to be a decent husband to you; you have nobody in this relationship and clearly he is still her husband. You no longer feel married to him and you are tired of pretending.
Do you really want to live with the man he is showing you he is? If the answer is no, you have to do something about it yourself, right now.
It will not be easy, but the ball is in your court.
You need a break from his lying, his planning with this real wife, just refuse to live this way.
You deserve better than this...
Finally some support.....
Finally some support..... what a relief. Thank you all. This all happened a week ago, last Fri-Sat. I looked at his phone on Sunday night and we have been arguing about it since Monday. He is trying to get me to just let him off the hook and continue to drive her by telling me that his kids will think that I have finally matured and become a reasonable person. As for the ex he says it's only reasonable for her to assume I know about these rides. I say back to him that unless it is made clear to her, she is sitting there with my husband thinking she is getting over on me. He says he dosn't know how to tell her about my awareness without making me look like a jealous controlling woman. I, frankly, don't know how to tell her either, but I think we should be able to come up with something. I even suggested doing nothing... saying nothing. The next home game just don't offer her a ride and let the whole thing just drop away, but this is not doable for him either. I tired a few minutes ago to just have a reasonalbe calm conversation about it (he brought it up again, not me). I tried to explain that it's about respect. Having respect for me and showing other people that he respects and cares about me. He is angry and refuses. We had dinner plans, but that's off. I'm actually not angry but he is. I'm not letting this one go. Of course there is nothing I can do to make him comply with my wish, but I did tell him that although I could have approved and allowed the rides to take place, I won't because he lied and he now refuses to make this right for me. I'm standing my ground when I usually don't. This time I know I'm right. Any ideas about he, I, or we could say to the ex wife that dosn't make me sound like I'm jealous and controlling. I think he's being very selfish.
No driving the ex wife, none,
No driving the ex wife, none, regardless of reason; this is not a time to be nice. I imagine she is sitting with him during this time too???? If she thinks you are jealous, so be it. Are you invited to ride along, and if not, why not? I would never allow him to be alone with her and continue to live with him.. He will not find a woman who will tolerate this insane expectation.
It is crazy to even expect you to support this. You need to say NO and do not negotiate this.
Nobody would stay with a man dating his ex wife; even the appearance of this is disrespectful to you--as his real wife.
He would stop this altogether, or he could be with her again full-time!
I agree with you and I thank
I agree with you and I thank you for your words of support. I have no intention of letting this go. So far the home games "they" have attended have been on days/evenings when I am at work. I asked him what he was going to do when I was not working and wanted to attend the games with him. his he time at home with me and not go to the game at all. Anyway thats the reason I have not been around. Sounds like he wouldn't think of putting her in the position to find me in the car when he arrived to pick her up. I find that strange too. He claims to not be able to stand her and he has no interest in her. To a point I believe him as I am much younger and I have a good job. However, I don't understand why he can tolerate inviting her to ride 35 miles with him when he could have avoided the entire situation in the first place ???
" He says he dosn't know how
" He says he dosn't know how to tell her about my awareness without making me look like a jealous controlling woman."
This is so easy. When he picks her up he says "Hi Hobag, Love of my life wanted me to tell you hi"
ORRRR. (and I like this better). YOU go WITH him to pick her up for the next game. Brightly say "Hi hobag" as she gets into the BACK seat.
I'm guessing his lie was a protective one in his mind. He thought you would be upset with him driving her so he tried to just get past it and not talk about it.
I would say: "Look, I understand why you are giving her a ride and I am ok with that. What bothered me was that you didn't think you could tell me the truth about it. I don't know if you thought I would be upset or not, but in my eyes, not telling me the truth was worse."
I need to tell you that I do
I need to tell you that I do not wear the pants in this house. Things here are not done on whether I "allow" or not allow them to happen. This man does what ever the hell he pleases regardless of how it makes me look or feel. CHILDREN also often point the finger at someone else to avoid getting in trouble. This man made me the bad person in his life many years ago.... about 7, we have been married for 9. The only time he is happy is when I am smiling and nodding yes to his every word. (nodding... he hates to hear me speak). I work long 12 hour shifts. He does not work at all. He inherited money from his dads death and quit his part time job to do what ever he pleases. 5 rooms in our home look like a hoarder lives in them. He has taken over that much of the house and made it unlivable by filling it with junk. Everything wrong here is my fault as far as he is concerned..... everything. I don't know why I stay. It takes a lot of courage to leave. Just when I build enough courage to really start planning, he pulls me back in. He does not want me to leave. He wants me to just keep my mouth shut. Unfortunately for him I am a living breathing human born with the same god given rights as he was. I have my own mind, my own thoughts, and my own feelings and he hates that. too much for him to control all at once I guess. Oh, and he does plenty of snooping on his own when he feels like it. He usually does not have to though, I'm normal and I just share whats going on in my world.
You know you could have just said I was out of line for being upset about his lie rather than drag me over the coals. I hear enough about how wrong I am from him. But thanks.... I'll think of your words next time I rebuild the courage to leave.
I know what I wrote. I think
I know what I wrote. I think everyday that I AM someones daughter. I have a good job. I am helping my son through school and I don't want to have to stop doing that. We purchased our home in 2007 so there is basically no equity. No money to be had in a divorce. I would be the one to leave. I would have to rent an apartment. I would have to spend money I don't have on new furniture because house size furniture does not fit in a small apartment..... I've looked into it. Then there is the process of telling him I'm leaving and having to stay in the house with him while I pack my things. If you have ever felt the feeling in my gut when he looks at me when he's angry then you would understand why I fight tooth and nail to be rational with him. I don't want to snoop and distrust him. I really want a normal life. I am not perfect and I make my fair share of mistakes, but between he and I, I am the more rational one. I try repeatedly to have a rational calm conversation with him and he won't have it. I'll leave eventually. I know deep down inside I am fighting a losing battle that I cannot ever ever win.
thank you
Amen, sister. Amen.
Amen, sister. Amen.
Kick him to the curb, don't
Kick him to the curb, don't leave your home. Get an attorney and begin a property settlement; you make 1/2 the house payment and make him make 1/2 the payment, until settlement.
Your attorney can draw up the papers. I got a Court ordered property possession. It all works out, just make him help you keep the bills paid and don't get behind.
can you really kick someone
can you really kick someone to the curb? I have talked to attorney's off and on. Most recently in July of this year. I've never been told that I can have him removed from the house... at least not easily. My situation is we purchased our home in 2007. Today we would be lucky to have $10,000 left over to split after it was sold. I am the one that works and I have always made the mortgage payment. In the past he has told me I could leave and he would not hold me responsible to any of the mortgage payment as long as I signed a quit claim deed for him. He has already given me $5000 that I am holding onto. I might be able to get him to give me another $5000 if I walk away from here. All of this came to a head in July and I was almost out of here, but he talked me back... again! I really don't want this house. It needs some basic maintenance done on it, It's 16 miles from my job (I could move so much closer), and the air here is thick with pain and regret. Financially we are about equal. his and my retirement accounts closely match. We have no debt that we share. A divorce is really cut and dry because there is nothing to split. I leave with my possessions I brought and he keeps his inheritance money and everything he purchased with it. At least that is the legal advice I got in july.
I do not ALLOW my DH to date
I do not ALLOW my DH to date other women - especially an ex.
You sound like him "Joe, do
You sound like him "Joe, do you think you can get some of the stuff cleared out of the spare bedroom so I can redecorate? (if you saw the room (s) you would see I wasn't "inventing" anything) My son would like to come home for Christmas and hell need someplace to sleep". "YOU KNOW WHAT SUSAN, IS THAT ANYWAY TO ASK ME A QUESTION. I'M NOT ANSWERING YOU BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID IT". "But Joe, how else can I ask"? "EVERY THING WAS FINE UNTIL YOU HAD TO MAKE UP SOMETHING TO TRY AND CONTROL ME WITH. GET SOME COUNCILING"!
I don't need BM to know that I know in order to survive. I would just like to be shown a little respect.... for once.
Thank you. I think I finally
Thank you. I think I finally am beginning to understand. I'll read and re read until I can put it all together. I need to get out of here, you're right. I need to stop accepting the unaceptable. Help me figure out what to say to him. Should I say nothing and make my moving arrangements and tell him I'm leaving when he asks why I'm packing boxes. I am terrified of the way he is capable of making me feel. I can go tomorrow and find an apartment, but I can't just wave a magic wand to get me out of here. I always tell my son to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I can't seem to figure that out for myself anymore. I have been to counciling soooo many times and for so long. They all say basically the same as you are saying.
I know step one is finding a place to move and I know the final step is healing and removing the smoke screens you speak of from my life, but help me with the in between steps. Please.
Thank you
"It was all about you
"It was all about you accepting that he drove her (and probably will again), when that is entirely unacceptable" So true! You ask what you can do, what are you going to tell him, or if you are going to tell him anything. In my opinion, do not argue with him. Tell him once and once only that you will not be married to a man who drives alone in the car with his ex. Period. If he argues with you about it, pack your stuff and leave.
"4) Love yourself more." If
"4) Love yourself more."
If we could tattoo this on little girls arms when they are born women would avoid so much heartache. Give, sacrifice yourself, and concede to your husband, is what most of us are taught from a young age. DH obviously cares more about what exW and skids think rather than honoring his wife. Yes, she needs to love herself more.
thank you threestrikes. I
thank you threestrikes. I very much appreciate your advice. My husband is very much a liar, control freak, confilct avoiding monkey's arse, as you mention. I am a fabulous actor too, so I can easily avoid the arguments. My problems arise when I have just tried to build a normal world around me. But as Sueu2 mentioned these arguments are just smoke screens to what's really going on with me and my world. Husband has this tricky other side to him, which is probably part of his MO. He is the sweetest, kindest, most loving husband anyone could pretend to want. He often cooks for me when I get home from work, wants to kiss and hug me, and even expects frequent sex. It's this behavior that I usually get sucked back into the relationship. Refusing him and ignoring his kindness would stir suspicion and argument. I could try to act my way through that too if you think there is something I can keep telling myself to propell myself forward instead of back to him. I don't know this whole thing is so hard because he's so tricky.
This is the tricky part. I
This is the tricky part. I would disengage myself from my then husband and just stop arguing or even conversing. And then he would start being nice just to get me back under control. And I think he was also happier that he had a pet vagina that he didn't have to talk to. So he would be sweet and I would start thinking that maybe he had changed and would stay this way. But nope, as soon as I would start engaging again it would all go to hell. This went on for a long time. When you pull back, he's going to come on strong. Just remind yourself that this is all an act and that he's still going to shit all over you as soon as he thinks you've taken another swig of the Kool aid.
You don't need to wait for a reason to leave, hon. Listen to your gut and if it's telling you to take a hike then do it. Don't be stupid like I was and wait and wait until he finally does something so horrible that you don't feel guilty for leaving. It almost cost me my life, girl. My kids will never unsee their father strangling their mother. I'm not saying your situation is anything like mine was. But don't sell yourself short. You don't have to put up with any man lying to you about seeing his ex behind your back while you're busting your ass at work.
Right! and this engaging is
Right! and this engaging is just everyday talk.... how was work, how was your day.... when do you think you might be finished with that project so we can move onto some other things that need done around here..... All typical things that married couples share to make a life. I have always felt that the reason mine becomes so kind and sweet is because he feels he has me back under control. In my heart I know its an act, but I begin to feel safe again and start engaging in having normal conversations with him again. Then I am shamed for asking a question wrong. He says (all the time) "YOU KNOW WHAT, IS THAT ANYWAY TO ASK ME THAT QUESTION. I'M NOT ANSWERING YOU BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ASKED. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER. I'M DONE WITH YOU FOR THE DAY". This must be after he thinks I've taken a swig of the kool-aid you mention??? then later I appologize and he becomes kind again because I acknowledged my fault and his control. I like your pet vagina analogy. Thats truly what they want isn't it. Keep your mouth shut and your vagina available and life is just hunky dory for all, right? My skin crawls when he starts being nice again and touches me, because I know its and act. How did you get through those times?
I'm sorry for the things you must have gone through. I can honestly say I truly understand. I envy your courage and admire your strenghth that you can say you find yourself in a safer, happier place now. My situation does not sound too far off from where yours was. Thank you for acknowledging that I don't have to put up with him lying and seeing his ex behind my back when I'm busting my ass at work. Thank you
You are worth so much more
You are worth so much more than the crumbs this man is throwing you, my sister. I stopped having sex or being affectionate for over a year before I got up the courage to call the police. I thought that if I put out that he would love me again. But he was still banging whores behind my back. I, too, got a major case of the icks when he would touch me. I finally told him that I could not sleep with a man that lies. That when I was single, I was not the kind of woman to sleep with a man that didn't respect me or care for me. So why should I start now? My first step, I think, towards distancing myself was moving into a different bedroom. It helps a lot! Tell him he snores too loud or its just too hot. Whatever you have to say. I was able to stay disengaged physically and that helped keep me disengaged emotionally.
I'm rooting for you, sweetie, and praying for you.
We're survivors. You've got this.
WHAT? When I found out my DH
WHAT?
When I found out my DH was chatting with SD about me and lied to me; he was out. Then we worked it out later.
If he even saw or talked to his Ex and then lied; there would be no working it out.
When you cannot trust them, it is a rough future.
Sorry you are going through this. I understand.
Make certain you read Sammi's
Make certain you read Sammi's post carefully, "Kick him to the curb." She took a giant leap that really changed her marriage and made her own life-- better....At the time, she did not expect any reconciliation. You know HIS behavior is not your fault, so disregard anybody telling you otherwise. You know what you live with, we do not.
Start planning now and looking into the possession order.
You can do this too...
Thank you. I did read closely
Thank you. I did read closely and I responded back. I have been sitting here hanging onto every word of advice I have been given. It all boils down to a losing battle that it is time to throw in the towel to. I don't want to leave. I want this man to understand me and want to make me happy. I want to see and feel respect from him. All things I have been waiting a long time for and I know are never going to come. I know I'm not perfect and super easy to live with, but I do feel that I am a really normal person. I have not mentioned it before, but I believe he has a very narcissit personality. Everything is wine and roses in the house as long as I pretend not to see who he really is. Perhaps that is the smoke screen Sueu2 was speaking about. Everything, absolutely everything is my fault. He has even done a pretty good job of making lying to my face about driving the ex wife my fault and something to be angry at me about. I think that all egos carry a little narcisstic quality. I am aware of some of those qualities in myself, but there is a very big difference between he and I.
Okay. You've been a big help.
Okay. You've been a big help. The only bump I see is to leave when he is not here. He is always here. He does not work. He makes quick runs to the store or out for walks, but nothing I can ever plan around. I can plan around him and get myself set up with an apartment and maybe even get some things moved out, but movers and a truck are going to be difficult to get away with without him knowing. Once I'm out he can blow as much smoke as he wants my way. I won't come back.
Some of the posters here
Some of the posters here suggest leaving immediately or waiting to get funds. You have nailed it - your DH is a narcissist. What is even worse is he is an emotional abuser - playing with you mind and seemingly getting a sadistic thrill out of it when you apologize to him for something that it not your fault. You sound as if you are trapped - not knowing when you can leave. Not good. It almost sounds like the same method cults use to brainwash someone. I agree it might be easier for you financially if you have some money set aside. But I am concerned about your emotional health. Do you have any sort of savings available to you now?
Classic "Karpman Drama
Classic "Karpman Drama triangle" situation here; exW's the VICTIM because the poor dear does not have a car, he's the RESCUER by picking her up and giving her rides, you're the PERSECUTOR because you're mad at him for lying about his actions. Then it changes that you are the VICTIM because he is lying to you, he is the PERSECUTOR/liar and she is REScuing him by making him feel needed. Then you're trying to play RESCUER by encouraging DH to give exW his old car, He feels PROSECUTED and threatened by your "demand" and exW is still the carless VICTIM who needs to be shuttled everywhere...and on it goes.
He's doing this because he feels needed and is seen as the "good guy" by his kids.
Find some way to remove yourself from "their" issue. You are the third wheel in their dysfunctional dynamic. I don't know what the answer for your situation, but if you can see the role you're playing and avoid getting sucked into the triangle you'll be empowered rather than abused.
OP, I went back and read your
OP, I went back and read your other blog post which gave me an idea.
Your H has taken vacations with his kids before. It would be great if you could get your ducks in a row, then encourage him to take off with his kids for a few days and move while he's gone.
You could also pretend to adopt a minimalist lifestyle and start giving away and selling possessions while actually putting them in storage.
And each time he leaves the house, put some of your stuff in the trunk of your car.
It can be quite empowering once you develop your exit plan and start implementing it.
And I just want to add that I agree with the other posters that your relationship isn't worth saving. Your H has psychological problems and is emotionally abusive. He is never going to change and be the person you deserve, and I'm rooting for our to get out and move on to enjoying a normal, happy life.
Thank you. I have thought of
Thank you. I have thought of that very strategy. That's what I'm going to do. slowly move things out when he is off on an errand or walk. Then all I have to do is have the movers come in and get my furniture. Unfortunately he does not go off with the skids much anymore. That was a few years ago and they are older and much busier with their lives. They went on a 3 day camping trip this summer that lasted a day and a half. :O
I suggest you create a post -
I suggest you create a post - What to do when you're preparing to leave a High Conflict spouse - or something similar. There are some very savvy women on this site, including attorneys, accountants, and law enforcement, as well as other strong ladies who've successfully exited abusive situations. You will get lots of valuable advice and insight from them.
{{{Hugs}}}
There is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this one.
Oh, we have been arguing back
Oh, we have been arguing back and forth about this all week. He finally tells me today that it's settled he's not going to drive her anymore. "He'll just tell her I had a fit". My suggestion was to say nothing.... just don't offer her another ride, but thats fine with me if he tells her I had a fit, but again it's another lie. He say's he does not know when the next game is.... well I looked at the school's web site and its next Fri and Sat 30th, and the first. Unfortunately I will be at work again. I sure wish I had another set of eyes to watch and see if he picks her up. I'm wondering if he'll even mention the game to me? He thinks I'm too stupid to have the sense to look at the schedule myself
He knows when the games
He knows when the games are...he is just playing games with you.
Invent a new hobby, interest,
Invent a new hobby, interest, or class; something that gives you a reason to be out of the home. This will give you some free time in your schedule to consult attorneys, scout housing, and move possessions. Living with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and around constantly must be exhausting, so get away for some respite, even if it's sitting in a coffee shop with your laptop.
Hugs to you. My husband
Hugs to you. My husband divorced me because I dared to express my frustration of him choosing to spend time with his ds over me, when I was going across the country and would not see him for a while. He could have spent 24hrs 7 days a week with him after I left. My ex, is also a control freak, has a really big ego and is always right. I am 62, and I have not worked in 10 years. Now that I am out of the house, I am sleeping better, and feel less stress than I have in years. I left with what would fit in my car. I left with no furniture. You can always get "things" at yard sales, thrift stores once your out.
I thought it would be so difficult to leave my things behind. It was not! It was rather liberating to just walk away. Now I can choose what items "I" like, one item at a time. I am really looking forward to it. I sign a lease tomorrow for a condo. I will be sleeping on a comforter on the floor until I can get a bed. This is nothing compared to the emotional abuse I endured when I was married.
"You haven't reached rock
"You haven't reached rock bottom yet. So you'll stay. Another week. Another month. Another year. But when you DO choose to leave? You'll cry over the wasted life that you threw away waiting for that day."
Ditto this. I lived it for too many years. You will be so relieved when you finally make the change in your life.
As far as the actual move - you can request the police to escort you when you move your things out if you feel threatened. If he is home on moving day you might mention to him "the movers will be here in 10 minutes. (Make sure they are on the way.) You should leave the house while I take care of the move. If you interfere in any way I have arranged for the police to come assist me." Might sound dramatic, but you can't predict what will happen in these situations.
How about moving while he is at the game with ex? If you can't schedule movers in the evening, could you gather a few friends and your son to quickly help you remove whatever clothes and sentimental items you have not yet gotten out of the house? Movers could come later to get any furniture, but you might not even care about furniture once you are out.
It seems you want to leave but are struggling with the logistics. Don't let that delay making a new and better life for yourself.
Edit to add: Talk to an
Edit to add:
Talk to an attorney before moving out to protect your rights.
I left my husband with my 10
I left my husband with my 10 year old daughter and the clothes we could fit into a garbage bag real quick before he got home from the bar. I stayed in my childhood bedroom with my daughter and bought things we needed to rebuild a paycheck at a time. It took a couple years. She is now 30 and has children of her own. I own a beautiful house in my name and everything in it belongs to me. I never looked back and was the best decision of my life...
Your story reminds me of one
Your story reminds me of one of my own. I have a habit of letting bad men find me. I did what many here have suggested I do now. I got a storage bin and slowly moved things into it... he never noticed. Then I got up before dawn rilled my car with my son's toy box and all our clothes and escaped. I moved my then 2 1/2 year old son into my old childhood bedroom. In the ene it was not the least bit hard to leave behind furniture and other things I had worked for. It was hard, but good for my son to be out of that situation. It was not much easier going home and living with my dad. He was a drinker and a smoker, but at least I was not threatened to be thrown down stairs and verbally abused about how horrible my body was, which at the age of 55 I realized that horrible body was georgeous and young. Within a few years I eventually grew to have a similar life to yours only I was spending it with a wonderful man..... I thought. He loved my son like his own. He loved me. We had a beautiful home and two new cars parked in the driveway. He was a hard worker and he put me through nursing school. Then slowly over 2 years or so, he got on the internet. He found new women, new friends. He began hating my son now that he was a teenager. and then one day without saying goodbye to my son, he was gone. That's how I so vunerably landed myself in this pot of hot water.... a choice I made that I kick myself in the butt for everyday. So, That's what I will do again when I am ready. I'll get a storage unit and I'll move things out. There will be much that I will leave behind that will be forever his... things that he does not deserve and has no right to have, but I will let them go. It will be different this time as I have changed my entire life for this man. I moved 1700 miles accross the country, my son is now grown up and with my encouragement moved to a bigger city where opportunity would be plenty, so we are now 300 miles away from each other. My parents are elderly and I should be back home with them, but I won't put that much distance between my son and I. I am lucky that I have a good secure job that pays well. I can move on from this. though at my age I doubt I will ever be a home owner again. My plan is to eventually move to where my son settles down after finishing college. He has a wonderful girlfriend. When they get married and have their babies, I want to be close and envolved. (but not that controlling, hovering MIL) I see young people today and a free grandma babysitter can be a big help. Thats my plan if the stress does not kill me first.
Thanks for your advice.
Once the trust is gone the
Once the trust is gone the relationship just continues to wither and die. I didn't trust my exDH, I was obsessed with snooping - I knew he was lying and I wanted to prove it. It's a horrible way to live.
As far as your DH driving his ex anywhere ..ummmm NO way! She needs to figure out her own damn life. I bet he is doing way more to help her than you even know about. It be my hill to die on.
^^^This. Hell, encourage him
^^^This. Hell, encourage him to go to all the games and come up with other errands for him as well.
Please be sure to update us - I care and am anxious about you.