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soon2bstep's picture

Submitted by soon2bstep on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 1:28pm

Hi.. I am a 'soon to be sm' trying to find a place to get some advice from people in the same situation. Things have been getting pretty bad lately between my fiance and his ex. (sorry if i dont have all the abreviations right yet..) Anyway, they have legal joint custody and they are just beginning the cs stage. I get along very well with my soon to be sd..
The problem is my fiance and his ex are CONSTANTLY fighting. They dont agree on anything. They curse and yell all the time, even in front of the child. I hate seeing my fiance go through all this. He tries so hard to have a 'working' relationship with the ex, but its impossible. They have completely different views on parenting and the poor little girl is always being tossed back and forth.
This is such an ugly mess and I feel completely helpless!!

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Brandy's picture

Submitted by Brandy on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 1:50pm

Hi, yikes; the first step is that he needs to stop the fighting in front of the kid and the swearing. That is never acceptable, second he needs to X the ex out of his life. Don't argue and stick to the court appointed time. That means he needs to stop meddling what goes on when his kids are with her, and vice versa. I would suggest you both going for the pickup and drop off and he doesn't go in the house and merely gets the kids. If the ex would go for him doing all the pickups ect. that would keep the ex away from your home - thats what we did and it worked and she was happy she didn't have to spend money for gas ect. Of course we didn't want her near our home.
Make sure if he pays support it goes directly to the court and any moneys owed, that is important. And basically what he needs to do is NOT co-parent with his ex, instead he should co-parent with you and when the kids are with her, leave her alone and let her co-parent with whoever....so please suggest this to him because you are just as much involved if you plan to stay in this relationship. I would also make it clear, NO MORE FIGHTING! If he disengages not much this woman can do, so stop empowering her. What is there to fight about, he can talk to doctors, teachers ect. on his own. You both can have your own celebrations, Xmas, Bdays ect. and they can be the day after or before ect. We didn't even go to sports she had him in, instead we did our own things with the kid, people can easily do that, and the kids will benefit more. So see where I am going with this.....I truly hope this is helpful because we did this and it worked for us, but he needs to completely disengage and talk to the kids not the ex. So I'm afraid if you don't get him to understand how this is all hurting the child and to put his ex in the past, you won't have a good relationship with him. Also, both of you sit down and start setting boundaries with this woman, regulate her to one phone only ect., no work phones and basically tell fiance that he needs to move on. Let her parent the way she wants, on your time you both are the parents. Sorry to go on, but its not that difficult, and also make sure the ex is not at any family events - he needs to nip that also. Get him onboard, and he can stop engageing things will change, but I would strongly let him know this does affect you both greatly, and your relationship! Ask him if he wants to destroy his future over an ex....sadly this is what many do, not even realizing it, so good luck and hope to hear from you. Brandy

soon2bstep's picture

Submitted by soon2bstep on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 2:10pm

You offer some great advice. Not only am I new to this but I am also new to parenting, I dont have my own children and its so hard for me to try to put myself into the BM and my fiance's shoes. I couldnt agree with you more about the fact that this effects my life too and the relationship.

So.. You are right, I will talk to my fiance about the 'CO-Parenting'. I think he will try, but it will be extremely hard for him. Question for you though.. As far as doc appointments, teachers, activities.. How am I supposed to know what to do if I dont know whats already going on? Heres an example.. School said SD needs shots for school, if she doesnt tell us, we dont know. But then she tells us after the fact and gets mad that we didnt do it or insists that my fiance pay her for it. Another example.. we wanted to enroll her in dance classes with my niece, but BM doesnt like that SD and my niece get along and doesnt want her in dance..

Its a mess.. I dont know how to distance myself, where to butt in, what to hold back.. Perhaps I am getting too involved. I worry about this ALL the time!

There are other things too, like my SD doesnt eat much. She has a very poor diet. I have been trying to get her to try new things, but most often time shes says, my mom doesnt make me eat that..etc.

Honestly, i could go on and on with a laundry list of things I'm going through.

I so much appreciate the advice you gave me!!

Brandy's picture

Submitted by Brandy on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 3:43pm

As for school stuff, I guess you just have to follow up and make sure you guys get copies of everything that is sent to bm. Otherwise, when its your time go ahead and sign her up for dance classes. It doesn't matter what bm wants or not, and I would sign her up if you can do it on your days with her. Problems will start when it bm's weekend ect, so I would strictly follow the court guidelines, and not discuss any matters with bm. That way you know when you will see her and therefore you can plan ahead. Don't get me wrong there will always be problems, but this will nip a lot of it. Basically don't discuss with bm what goes on inside of "your" home, and again just disengage. Like our bm, eventually she'll won't have anyone to fight with, and will have to focus elsewhere.

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 3:46pm

Great Great Advice!!!!!!

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 3:46pm

Great Great Advice!!!!!!

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

soon2bstep's picture

Submitted by soon2bstep on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 3:48pm

I'm loving this site!! Thanks again!

Brandy's picture

Submitted by Brandy on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 4:13pm

there are great bm's and they move on and truly want whats best for the kids, and same with the BD. But I think the situations on this board are more typical...sadly. Our bm did everything from day one, and I fed into it and reacted like she wanted. Her goal was to break us up, and then I came up with what I call "the plan", lol. If I had to talk to her I was nice, and dh and I stuck to business, and from that moment on we co-parented as I stated above and did everything separate. I never crossed any boundaries with her, but basically we 86'd her, and more importantly my dh backed all that up. That is a big problem with many, but I was pretty adament things had to change. For a period of time she was even more angry that we were ignoring her and it got to the point our lawyer sent her a letter stating that we only wished to have a relationship with the child NOT her. And if she continued to harass us we would seek legal action, so it got much better after that. She continued to call us names to the child, whereas we never would do that, but she finally left us alone, hooray! Why we didn't do all that sooner is beyond me!