Conflict Resolution
I'm not sure if anyone remembers how things were in my house, just a year ago. SD12 was here only when there was no school the next day, but almost every time there was no school the next day. When she was here, her dad would take her to work with him, most of the time, because we clashed so violently.
Hubby, Sd and myself all put me down on her level (and I just now realized this???)! Hubby would do it, by treating me and SD as equals, and not treating me as the adult. SD would have a fit, if she was expected to show me the kindness and courtesy that expect the younger generation to show to adults. I would do it, because I would argue with SD. (How could I possibly have a higher standing, if I allowed her to debate with me?)
SD12 is ODD. Everything USED to turn into an argument with her. She would have these mind-blowing melt-downs over the simplest things. It would take forever to calm her down, and half the time, she would get her way, or get better then what she wanted.
Well, about a month or a month and a half ago, Sd12 was ready to start home schooling. She was down to having a fit once every week, to every other week (which was amazing for her!) Then, a few days before she was set to start, she had a mind numbing fit!!!
SD was in the hallway, yelling and screaming. I walked up to her, to get her attention, and she threw herself backwards, and started screaming "Owe! Owe! You hurt me!" :jawdrop: She wanted her dad to think I had physically hurt her, so she could win the argument, get me in trouble with dad, etc.
Anyways, I sent her to her room, and told Hubby I didn't think I could do it. How could I home school her, if I couldn't get her to take a simple shower??? Hubby told me that it was up to me to notify SD12, so I did it right then.
SD12 spent the remainder of the night crying in her room, and screaming how I didn't love her, had never loved her, and never cared about her at all. It was a pretty sleepless night for me, to.
I know I am "only a Smom", to some, but these kids are what I have. I don't plan to have my own, even though I once dreamed of it. These kids need me too much, and too badly. I don't want any distractions from being everything I can be for them!
So, after a very sleepless night, I woke up with a broken heart. Eventually, I called the school and asked them to have SD call me on her lunch break. We talked, and decided to do home schooling, after all, but SD had to be aware she just HAD to listen to me...
AND...
There hasn't been a single fit since that time. The weight of the world seems to be lifted off that kid's shoulders. She has quit self-harming, even!
I thought that today was going to break our long streak. I spent part of the morning in the bedroom, and came out at 9. Sd was sitting in her chair, with her school laptop put up. When I asked her why, she said she had done all of her work for the day. IN AN HOUR???
So, I made SD get out the laptop, and she HAD logged onto each of her assignments, but when I asked her about them, she couldn't tell me what she had read. 
The more I tried to get to the bottom of it, the angrier SD seemed to get. I could see her "preparing for battle", so I sent her to her room for ten minutes.
When I called her out, I asked her to explain to me what was going on. SD said that she was disappointed in herself, because she couldn't remember what she had read. I told her to reread it, and this time to TAKE NOTES.
I also told her that I was very proud of the no-fits thing, and I didn't want her to break her streak. SD said she was hurt that her dad didn't realize she'd had such a long streak, and I explained that he wasn't with her 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, and she never really had her major fits on him.
SD got out her laptop, and is studying, rereading all of this weeks assignments, one at a time, and taking notes. (She really doesn't have much to do in a day, so it should be done before 2)
Just wow! My little girl handled the conflict without raising her voice, throwing something, stomping or slamming doors.. and she has been doing this for a very long time now! I'm so proud of my SD today!
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Comments
As much as I want to
As much as I want to congratulate you and all, I'm fearing that you are putting yourself into a bad situation which will show up down the road. Right when I read " Hubby told me that it was up to me to notify SD12, so I did it right then.", I saw huge reds flags. Um its not up to you to notify his child of anything IMHO and I'm honestly hearing (though I could be wrong on this) that she is willing to be good as long as she is getting her way or knows that she will be getting her way. I'm rather curious to read what others will say bc I can't seem to find anything in it for you nor am I able to see how this game plan can work out.
Starla, we're a family, here.
Starla, we're a family, here. I am trying to adopt both SDs (hard to do when I can't get ahold of the attorney, but that's the plan!)
Sd12 has a long back story that involves abuse (emotional, and verbal, plus watching the physical abuse of Sd14) and playing in her egg donor's drugs (cocaine that I am sure of.. not sure what else), while ED turned tricks in the back bedroom. She spent somewhere between 4-6 years in Foster Care, and was PASed out the ass! She's been clinically diagnosed with ODD, but she has a family history of Bipolor disorder, Borderline Personality, and Schitzo-effective disorders.
It'd be so easy to write her off as selfish or evil, if I didn't know her. BUT I know this child inside and out. I feel like we have carried each other through the fires of hell!
There's still a learning process, but she's worth it
While I agree that it is
While I agree that it is great that SD is semi controlling herself, I see large red flags too. Sorry.
The kid had fits because she knew she would get what she wanted.
The kid sounds like she could lie and have you involved in CPS if she says you hurt her again. (I would be terrified to be alone with this child)
Your DH is happy for you to do the work, but he still gets to control who tell SD she is not going to be home schooled?
And the major thing for me is that you are giving up your dream to have your OWN kid to raise these spoilt skids. I think it is nice you love yoru skids...but you will regret not having your own kids one day and will probably resent your skids.
As always...JMHO
Willow, she doesn't WANT to
Willow, she doesn't WANT to get me in trouble with CPS, because she's already been a foster kid. She's gone that route (through no fault of her own) and REALLY doesn't want to go that route again. She knows that the next stop for her will be a group home (or at least, that was what her last therapist recommended.)
My DH has come a long way since my last post, actually.
It's very weird, but I am usually the one who's in control in my house - over DH and Skids, the house, the animals, all of it. If I had told DH "No, YOU go tell her!" he would of gotten his butt up off the couch in a New York Minute!
SD12 is closer to me then she is to her dad. We spend a lot of time together, and SD14 searches out her dad more. Add to that that she had disrespected ME, and that I would be the one home schooling her, it really did make more sense for me to tell her.
Giving up my dream to have my own kids is just that - giving up a dream. I am 36, an insulin resistant diabetic, and on a lot of meds. Both SDs kind of wish that I would make our family a little bigger, and so does DH, but my life is HAPPY (usually) and FULL now!
A year ago, my life was so empty. Every single time I was a day late, I hoped beyond hope that I was pregnant! I spent most of my days alone, and I was lonely. Those are pretty crappy reasons for ME to have a kid.
Now, my life is a whirlwind of Sd12's home schooling, SD14 coming home, breakfast, lunch (SD12 usually cooks! LOL), dinner, housecleaning (I wash dishes and delegate! LOL) .. all of the domestic things that I was missing before.
Hi Smellissa, I'm so glad
Hi Smellissa, I'm so glad it's working out! I've been following your blogs for a long time, so I know that you've really done a lot to get this far. You and the girls. I hope Hubby is getting better at offering support in general.
Congratulations to you, for helping SD manage her emotions, and to SD for all the success she's been able to achieve! It really puts a smile on my face.
Moeilijik, Thank you! Hubby
Moeilijik, Thank you!
Hubby is doing MUCH better! I learned to tell Hubby what I want him to do, (when it deals with SDs, sometimes even what to say!) and he has learned to listen.
For over a year, I have been whining that Hubby and I don't sleep together.. He has even changed about that, and will come out to the living room to find me when he is ready to go to sleep!
SD has REALLY come a long way! I was so proud of her this am!