I think my husband is not over his divorce!
I've been trying to figure out the disconnect. The fixation on his past life, his kids fixation on their past life with their parents together. But many times it's not even them together...it's him and his kids alone. I overheard him talking to an old friend tonight at a social event...and my husband is saying, "she just filed for divorce, bam, out of the blue, no warning"
this is what he's telling his friend. Like, seriously...wtf are you talking about that for? We've been married going on 6 years and you're still talking about this???
omg! I wanted to get in my car and drive over some people.
like why am I putting all this effort forth and you're acting like a pussy, wondering why your ex filed for divorce? Seriously? Fu, man! You shouldn't even be thinking bought that? You're living in the past man. You've got a good woman in front of you who loves you and you're talking about that shit at a social function?
I'm now, he's friend brought it up, but still...tell me if I'm wrong, but he should've said...fuck that old bitch, she didn't wanna be married to me anymore, so good riddens crazya. I've got me a beautiful woman who loves me and I'm happy.
am I wrong? Isn't that what he should have said? Not instead go into this conversation about how he didn't see the divorce coming and all that shit???
you're remarried now! That shit is over. Done.
please, I neee to know if I'm too mad.
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I don't think so. I mean
I don't think so. I mean maybe not the same words lol but yea it's done move on. I have similar my partners ex still speaks to all his family and they don't even speak the same language!! I have said to his family and to my partner it's disrespectful to me. I've been ignored they have nice chats. His mum even gave me gifts to give to the ex when we visited!! NO!
I have now not accepted because I still don't agree but asked if you must talk, don't tell us about it same goes for the ex. She sometimes has info from his mum we don't even have! It's not right.
i am sure his family prefer her. Every pic she posts on social media his family like and comment. Every single pic he posts and has posted of me and him, they never like or comment.
you guessed it tho. I'm crazy and causing drama for having an opinion and a feeling.
No, what he should have done
No, what he should have done was not bring it up to start with. If someone asked him about it, "that was a long time ago- I prefer to forget."
Ye Olde
"Blindsided" Man (TM) There are a hundred songs about men who treat their women like crap for years, decades even then one day the woman decides that's the last straw and leaves. He then claims she "R U N N O F T" out of the blue.
I guess I'm lucky in that respect bc in my case the Girhippo and Chef equally wanted a divorce but then the Gir had second thoughts and started dragging her feet when Chef called her bluff.
I will say though that Chef sobbed uncontrollably for a solid 2 weeks when he knew his marriage was definitely over.
Be on the lookout for the "I'll never allow another woman to take advantage of me like that again. " (TM) At which point you are treated much worse than the woman who bolted.
"I'll never allow another
"I'll never allow another woman to take advantage of me like that again. "
Sadly this is a thing that is not infrequent in subsequent marriages. Particularly with the men in a subsequent marriage.
It can come with a number of toxic elements from the divorced new SO. Crazy Making can be one of them.
We have a very dear friend who is recovering from a divorce that ended a 30+ year marriage. She is still gutted by it. Part of her pain is that her sister was a second wife to a man who lost his kids and everything he had to his XW in his first divorce. When he married our friend's sister he took the advice of a friend of his to make sure that his new wife was noted as being mentally unstable so in the event of another divorce he would get any kids they had.
That is exactly what happened. Our friends XBIL made sure that the sister was increasingly batshit crazy by the time they divorced. He got their half dozen kids. The sister ended up committing suicide a few years after the divorce was final. Their youngest child was 5 when the mom ended her own life.
Our friend's now XH regularly contacted the sister's XH for advice on how to undermine our friend's mental health, financial stability, etc so he could get it all and leave her nothing. She ended up standing up fairly well in the demise of their marriage but it was exceptionally damaging to her emotionally.
He got all of the cash, she got all of the property. She still insists on trying to get him help, forgive him, etc...
If I was her, I would have left him to the sharks while chumming the water around him with as much of his own offal as I could and let him rot in hell.
But, I am not particularly forgiving towards people who are that toxic, mean, and evil.
Most sad in our friend's situation is that his family and hers are from the same small town so she has zero family support that does not come with some pro XH bullshit. Even from her own parents.
That is just ³ sick.
That is just sick.
And then he wonders why, years down the line, he's a lonely old man that nobody trusts.
Your husband
Your husband sounds like a jerk.
You might want to talk to him about this stuff.
We are all a product of our
We are all a product of our life experiences. He is divorced. That is part of what makes him the man you married.
I was married prior to my nearly 30yr marriage to my incredible bride. I brought the experiences and baggage of that marriage with me to this one. My DW brought an OOWL toddler, a CO, and the baggage from her relationship with the Spermidiot and the SpermClan with her.
That said, neither of us would change any of that. Those things are part of what make us we are individually and in part make us the fit that we are for each other. Not that we haven't both expressed that we would have preferred that I had not been married before and that SS were my BK instead of my SK. But, had all of that been the case, I probably would still be in prison since i am 12yrs older than my bride who was 12yo at the time of my first marriage.
You do not know the comprehensive lead up to the comments you overheard. They are potentially infinate. So, do not waste your own state of bliss and your own inner calm on that. IMHO.
I get that a blind side pronouncement of divorce from a partner can be a knee bender. I also get how the past resurfacing can be infuriating for an SO.
My DW and I met just more than 3yrs after my divorce was final. We married nearly 4yrs to the day after my divorce was final. Even with months of therapy and those years of healing, the first couple of years of our marriage I was dealing with internal issues that I was dragging from my first marriage/divorce. Not fair to my incredible bride. But, it happened.
I do agree that a social event is not the appropriate place to be sharing failed first marriage war stories.
You are not wrong to be mad. Just realize that your choice to be mad hurts you. Don't do that. As someone who lives with a man brain, I strongly doubt he had any intent of hurting you.
Sit him down, have a talk. Splain how it impacted you. If... he is capable of doing that without getting hype defensive. How you word it, will make a difference.
"why am I putting all this effort forth and you're acting like a pussy, wondering why your ex filed for divorce? Seriously? Fu, man! You shouldn't even be thinking bought that? You're living in the past man."
Is not the way to go about the discussion. That, is an absolute truth.
Give yourself a break, give him some assurance that it is just a discussion and not a hatchet job set up.
My DW and I invariably find that when we have a fight, it is not that we disagree on the topic but that we see it from different perspectives. Once we align on that truth, the tension tends to difuse, we can talk about it, find our alignment point or at least civily agree to disagree, and get on with the make up sex.
Man brain and woman brain work very differently. Keep that in mind.
IMHO of course.
Thank you for the advice!
Thank you for the advice! All good things to think about!
Do you have any reason to
Do you have any reason to feel unloved or that your husband would otherwise not want to be in the relationship with you? Because if the answer is no, I would try to understand that the words he said could have been taken way out of context and that they may not have been said with the same motivation that you think they could have been.
It's entirely possible that this old friend predates your relationship.. and perhaps HE was the one that broached a question.. and your SO wanted to put himself in better light.. as in "gee.. I have no idea.. happened out of the blue.."
Or.. maybe his old friend is having some relationship issues of his own and your SO was giving him some of his own perspective on his own experience of a split.
Maybe Old friend told him h e heard rumors that he cheated on his EX.. and your husband was trying to clear up otherwise?
If this guy was someone that he knew from 6+ years ago.. it's not unusual for conversations to end up turning to past events.. that might predate a current relationship..
I guess it's in the tone too.. was he all wistful and teary eyed? or was it just a matter of fact statement.. that really likely confers no real meaning?
I think the best course of action.. if this isn't some long ongoing theme with him.. is to do your best to ignore it because it likely means nothing. If you bring it up.. he points out that you were eavesdropping.. and gets upset too.. I just don't see the conversation going well tbh..
I will think about that,
I will think about that, thank you!
All his hopes
Life dreams. His reaching and getting his Happy Family was all in his first marriage. Once divorced his reaching his golds of achappy family with his first kids went away with the marriage. He knows there always tension between you and SK. He knows that you don't love his kids to take that bullet for them.
'I offen wounded if all the good people are already married. That you are getting a second hand SO. that comes with baggage that they help screwing up the first marriage.