Divorce nightmare
Since my husband filed for divorce behind my back about a month ago, life has been a nightmare.
I recently found out that he had been planning this divorce for months. He even sat through a couples counseling sessions with me, knowing he was talking to a lawyer behind my back . His reasoning for divorcing me is that I argue with him too much. I did argue, but it was over enmeshment with his daughter, criticism of my daughter, racism about my daughter's boyfriend, and criticism about me. He bought the house one month before we got married, so it is his separate property, and I have to be the one to leave. I have hired a lawyer and counter sued for spousal support so that I'm able to move out and get an apartment. He makes over 200,000 a year and I only make 40,000 a year.
He has been extremely controlling and disrespectful, constantly asking me if I found a place to live and telling me that I need to hurry up and pack because I've been served. He says horrible things about me and my daughter, but yet he still wants to be fake nice and talk about his day or my day and ask me what I want for dinner. My daughter refuses to participate in this dynamic, so when he speaks to her, she just ignores him. She doesn't say anything bad, she just doesn't speak to him.
Well, two days ago, he threatened to evict my daughter because she won't talk to him. She graduated high school this May, and starts college in January. He says that because she is technically an adult, he can kick her out and has no responsibility to put a roof over her head. He also said that his problem with her boyfriend has nothing to do with his race, which we all know is a lie because he flat out told me and our couples therapist that he hates that he's black. Now he claims it's because her boyfriend has no ambition and they will end up living under a bridge together. Both of them have jobs, so his comments and thoughts are so unwarranted! He continues to say these lies to my face. He continues to lie about everything. It's like he just changes the story, and because he says it it's supposed to be real.
I am truly shocked by his hatefulness and cruelty. I did not do anything to warrant this, and neither has my daughter. She's never gotten in trouble at all. I was not a perfect wife, but a good wife, I never cheated or stole or lied. I worked full-time the majority of our marriage except for a six month period. When I was unemployed. And because of that short period he tells everyone that I'm lazy. all of our couple friends are still friends with him, and I have been ostracized.
AND to add to this shit show, my stepdaughter who is off of college for the winter, has decided to spend her entire break here. She has another house she can go to at her mom's, which is only 10 minutes away, where she has her own bedroom. She is fully aware that her dad and I are divorcing, yet she chooses to stay here over the break. Why would a teenager want to put themselves in the middle of such a uncomfortable situation, rather than just go stay at her mom's house where there's no drama? I can't help but feel like she's doing this on purpose to make my daughter and I feel more uncomfortable.
I'm looking for some words of encouragement as I go through this difficult time. I can't move out until an order of spouse of support has been signed.
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This too will pass
And good riddance to bad rubbish! I know what it's like to constantly be accused of being lazy even though I run all the office work, data/record keeping, taxes for two small businesses, housekeep, cook, do all the lawn work, pet care, set all the appointments, gardening, small repairs around the house, do painting, sanding, drywall dust cleanup, caulking, lawn mowing, mini blind installations on the rentals. Run the ads, show the units, do all the paperwork, do all the screening, do all the rent collection, etc.
But because I'm not pulling 12 gauge wire through the walls nor hanging drywall at age 64 that makes me an idle scrounger! LOL
As far as your daughter being evicted I would look up all the tenant laws in your area. Around here If a landlord makes a mistake such as kick someone out unlawfully, they can owe up to three times in damages.
My lawyers said he can’t kick me out right now.
But I'm not sure about my daughter. She's not a tenant, but it is Her place of residence, so I'm not sure. I emailed my lawyer and I'm waiting for them to get back to me.
Even if he's can kick her out
Even if he can kick her out, it takes time to legally evict someone from their legal residence.
How soon can you move out?
How soon can you move out? I think in your state you have to live apart 6 months before you can finalize the divorce, unless there are special circumstances, so the sooner you move out the better. In our state you can file for emergency spousal support, not sure if that is possible where you are. Have you been looking for even a temporary place that you could move in to?
Louisiana
I would have moved out already if I had family to move in with, but I have no family in the state. My lawyer says if I leave now I lesson my claim to spousal support. I really can't. I only make 2800 a month after taxes and rent is like 1500 here.
When are you moving out and
When are you moving out and what do you want for dinner? What a jerk. You'd think he has a split personality.
IMO, his daughter wants to stay there for "entertainment".
I hope you can leave that nightmare soon.
YES! It’s like borderline psychotic.
And he wants to evict my daughter because she won't "talk to him". He says it's making him uncomfortable. But, my daughter and I being told to "start packing, you've been served. You're lucky you have a roof over your head. I could've kicked you out already" isn't supposed to make us uncomfortable?
Exactly! And it's logical to
Exactly! And it's logical to NOT want to say anything for fear it will be misinterpreted or set him off. There is simply no pleasing him.
And my stepdaughter, I agree
But what I weirdo! Her mom is single and has a nice home. They have a good relationship. What kind of person actually WANTS to stay in the house with the drama when they have a choice to stay elsewhere?
Because SD wants a front row
Because SD wants a front row seat to any "live" theater.
That is so awful and
That is so awful and heartbreaking. :(
It's only my opinion. I hope
It's only my opinion. I hope for SD's sake that I'm wrong.
She is extremely nosey so it wouldn’t be a shock.
Plus she is beyond up her dad's ass. I feel like she is rubbing it in my face.
I would try to take emotion
I would try to take emotion out if it and follow your lawyer's advice. He may not legally be able to evict you or your daughter. He sounds like a massive a-hole and you will be better without him in the long run. Just follow the process and take the advice of your lawyer.
Right! Quite a jerk to evict
Right! Quite a jerk to evict a woman's kid because the kid won't talk because he's being ruthless to her mom.
Sorry to hear your now ex
Sorry to hear your now ex husband is being so cruel during this time especially knowing your circumstances
You have a right to voice your concerns to your spouse / partner. His reaction to your concerns is completely out of order and immature.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
You may not see it now but you will be better off without having to deal with him on a regular basis
The home may be separate
The home may be separate property but it's possible that you are entitled to appreciation of the property during your marriage.
At this point.. the good news is you are going to get out of this bad relationship. The bad news is that you aren't financially able to do it quickly. Follow your lawyer's advice and have them go after every cent you may be entitled to.
At the same time, you need to figure out how you will be self sufficient... how will you support yourself going forward? do you need to get some skills or training? I'm assuming your daughter is not relying on your assistance for school because obviously in your situation, you need to take care of your own needs before you would take on anyone else's.
You say you have no friends nearby.. have you considered relocating closer to family too?
I want to go back to school to get my accounting degree.
I'm a teacher, but the salary is a joke. It's not enough to live off of. I'm in a high cost living area. My daughter is going to college an hour away, and I'm not going to leave the state because then I would be leaving her behind. Before the divorce, I told my husband I wanted to go back to school, and I told him I would work full-time while going, but he refused. Even though he told the couples counselor that it was OK as long as I worked full-time, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't going to spend a dime on my education. And it's pretty funny because he makes a lot of money and we have no trouble paying the bills and have plenty of money left over with just his salary alone. I don't understand, and I guess I never will, why he was so aggressive about The fact that I couldn't go to school. Even more infuriating is the fact that we spent two grand a month on his kids private school education. The school my daughter went to was free.
That was all about control.
He did not want you to be financially independent from him. Get your Acctg degree, do the additional 30 hours required to qualify to take the exam (I suggest that you get a MAccy or an MBA since you need the additional hours to qualify), pass the CPA, and your income will increase significantly. That industry has a major lack of people moving into it due to the decidedly unsexy view that younger college students have of the industry.
You can also enter the profession as an Enrolled Agent which has different requirements than it takes to become a CPA. Some CPA firms value Enrolled Agents in the tax practices.
I am not a CPA pr an accounting or tax professional but I do sleep with one every night.
My DW is a partner track Sr. Manager on the recruiting team, etc... and I hear the scuttlebutt on the staffing challenges regularly.
I understand how incredibly,
I understand how incredibly, monumentally difficult this would be, but like Rumple said, can you somehow, some way put your emotions on the back burner for the sake of surviving this and coming out on the other end secure? Your psycho husband and his daughter are just waiting for you to crack. So, I'd do THE OPPOSITE.
Listen to your lawyer. Hold it together. Be pleasant on the surface. Is there anywhere your daughter can go temporarily? "You're right." <gritted teeth>. Document everything. If recording is legal in your state, record what you can. Be out of the home as often as possible--busy. Act "compliant" and agreeable. You understand.
And when the time comes, get what is rightfully yours.
Vent here. Vent elsewhere. Do what you need to do for survival and to "win."
Yes, I feel they are both trying to get me to freak out.
The only way my husband can get me out of the house right now without a spousal support order is to say that I am making his life difficult and get a restraining order against me. So I wonder if he and his daughter are trying to antagonize me. I have my own room right now, but it's my stepson's room, so when he comes to visit, I go back into the master and my husband goes downstairs. I asked him to do that so I could at least have my own space to go to if both kids were home visiting at the same time. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was in the master bedroom, and my husband was in the master bathroom, getting ready for a funeral. My stepdaughter, who is a freshman in college, kept coming into the room for the dumbest reasons. Like she came in there just to show her dad a picture a couple of times. I felt like a prisoner that I couldn't even get any peace at all. She couldn't just wait a few minutes for her dad to come out of the room, she had to make up stupid reasons to keep knocking on the door,
"SD, please wait until your
"SD, please wait until your father leaves the room. Barging in without bring invited while someone is possibly undressed is sexual harassment. " Don't forget a massive eyeroll.
I’m too scared to say anything.
If I told her something, he would probably become an even bigger asshole than he's being now. I did text him after it happened and asked him to please not allow her in there while I'm in that room. But he never respected my requests for boundaries in the past and I'm sure he won't now.
Lay there naked!
Haha joking. I totally understand you not wanting to give either of them any ammo to use against you.
I lived a version of this for a while before I got divorced very sorry you are going through this. Fortunately you have an attorney and the knowledge that the current situation is temporary. Please hang in there - life gets SO much better after living with a mean, manipulative user. You're doing all the right things and I'm proud of you.
(((HUGS)))
Normal you don’t have to move out
Until you are officially divorced . Your still married and he can not evih a SO, They are not ''-A tenant. '' and housing court will not get involved. Does your lawer think you have no interest in the ''house''. How long was the official marriage. When you actually got married to today . 'spousal support is normaly. factor on years of marriage. Big difference between a 20 year marriage6 and a 1 year marriage
I definitely qualify for interim spousal support.
My lawyers are going to try to go for spousal support after the divorce, but I definitely qualify for the spousal support during the divorce proceedings, called interim support. My husband makes over 200,000 a year, and in my state you can still get spousal support Even if you're married less than 10 years .
Im so sorry you are going through this!
Sending my prayers and well wishes to you during this time. The holidays are difficult when this kind of chit happens. Things arent at all jolly in my neck o the woods, but just keep in mind - you WILL get through this and you WILL come out ahead.
Meanwhile avoid avoid avoid, document document document.
Thank you!
I appreciate the support! It's been rough!
If he gets scary don't
If he gets scary don't hesitate to call cops ON HIM. Don't let him scare you either big talk.
Since you are married
You don't have to legally move until he gets a CO, from divorce court. The court that's hearing your divorce case. Marriage supersedes housing court for you. Your DD is a tenant, and he will have to go to housing court, I,e. Get a court date, have a hearing, DD tells her story of no money,..no friends.,no place to go...Needs to save for two month rent plus security.
She will be given 3 months to come back. If will take him a better part of a year.
.... and her mom lives there.
I would be such a PITA that this jerk would rue to the day.