Family dynamics are changing
I knew skid visitations would change as they become teens, but it feels like everything is totally different all of a sudden.
SD15 hasn't been over for about 5 weeks now. Last weekend was DH's birthday weekend and we had a fun day trip planned to celebrate. SD15 chose not to come. She did finally stop by for a bit last night, but I got the feeling that DH really didn't want to spend time with her. She arrived at 4pm and DH didn't get home until 5pm. They chit-chatted for about 30 mins and ate dinner. After that, DH went outside and played with the dog, cleaned the windows, sat on the front porch. SD15 stayed inside mostly and then went to jump on the trampoline. She left at 6:30pm. DH was happy to see her at first but then seemed so disengaged.
Also, last week DH sold his SUV on a whim. It was the "family" car since it had a 3rd row and fit all 4 kids. Earlier in the year he kept talking about needing a bigger SUV for vacations since the kids are getting bigger. Now he is looking at smaller cars without a 3rd row.
It is starting to feel like he is almost pushing her away. I'm not sure what to make of it.
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It could be bruised
It could be bruised feelings... The fact she hadn't been over for 5 weeks and chose not to come on the family outing could be getting to his ego or self-esteem....
I'm sorry I can't really help. But good luck!
I'm sure he is hurt by it,
I'm sure he is hurt by it, but he tries pretty hard to hide it.
Relationships are a two-way
Relationships are a two-way street. SD15 is finding that out. Glad to see your DH is not child-chasing like so many other guilty/Disney daddykins that we hear about on this forum.
This may be the lesson that SD15 needs! Unconditional love is great for helpless infants but once a child can think for him/herself, he/she cannot pee in their parents faces and tell them it is raining. It is a vital lesson in prepping for adulthood, which seems to be lacking in today's world of "coddle till they're hobbled."
I appreciate the insight. I'm
I appreciate the insight. I'm struggling to relate since I'm very close with my kids and just don't know how I would handle the situation. I guess it is a good thing that he's not constantly chasing after her.
Late last year, one SS (then
Late last year, one SS (then 11), decided he didn't want to be coming around all the time. At first, DH said he wasn't going to make him come on his weekends, so he told him it was fine to stay home. I think that was really DH feeling hurt that his child didn't want to spend time with him. Now, when the kid calls with an excuse to stay home, DH tells him "no, it's my weekend and I want to spend time with you." We'll see what happens when they are teenagers. I've tried to get DH to think a little differently - i.e. I've told him, when they are teens, they probably won't want to come for a weekend, so how do you plan to maintain a relationship with them? He used to just say he'd make them come on their weekends, no matter what. I haven't asked him since the one SS started trying to get out of weekends. It will be hard for DH for sure. I just hope he doesn't fall prey to manipulations from SS, who is already a pretty manipulative kid.
DH has been forcing weekend
DH has been forcing weekend visits for the past year or so. He just finally reached the point to let go. I've encouraged him to take SD15 to dinner or something just to keep a connection. He works pretty close to BM's house so it would require minimum effort. But so far, he hasn't shown any interest in doing so.
He's probably hurt. I know
He's probably hurt. I know things bother my DH more than he lets on. For example, he was all rushing around trying to complete some silly task that BM tried to push off on him because "[SS11] is already pulling away from me and I don't want to lose my child." I feel for him, but man, I don't want to see him jumping through BM's hoops, even if they come via SS11. It seems ridiculous to me and makes me angry, because I know BM has been working hard to turn the children away from DH. She'd swear up and down that she wasn't, but she also swears up and down that she never puts the kids in the middle and that she's the world's best mother.
We are experiencing similar
We are experiencing similar at my house with SD14. DH has had 50/50 where we had his kids half of each week and every other weekend. In the last couple years, SD started opting out of things with us and spending more nights at her mom's. When she is here, it is about what she wants and will be demanding and disrespectful to get it. DH used to give in rather than argue, which of course has let it escalate. Recently he is recognizing how she is acting and starting to push back. We also have a couple ground rules that he told her about a couple months ago. Those 2 things were more than she could handle, so it turned into that he doesn't love her and she does not feel welcome here. When in fact, she is the one who would choose not to participate with us, but all she can recognize is that there has been a distance. She did not come over or really communicate for 3 or 4 weeks, now she is coming sporadically. Most times it is because her mom is going to be unavailable to take her somewhere, it doesnt appear that she genuinely wants to visit. The other night DH actually said she is not someone he really wants to hang out with right now, because it is always about her and and she is not very nice lately. It is a hard situation. I am encouraging him to keep the door open, make sure he communicates with her every day and when she is here make an effort to connect. But that giving in to disrespect is not good for anyone. It's a tough balance. I hope your situation gets better. I feel like we are just going to have to batten down the hatches and wait it out
Things changed quite a bit
Things changed quite a bit when my skids hit their teen years, too...and now it's changing again since they are 21, 19, and 17...some for the better, some not for the better.