I am so sorry that he treated you like this.

Being with a bi-polar person is a lot to deal with, even on meds.

I don't think you were wrong to take her off the cell phone plan. I also think that in your shoes I would tell DH that he and princess can just get their own plans and you will be the only one on yours. Call your cell phone company back and tell them to split the account. It isn't hard to do. Plus that is one less thing you have to deal with later if you decide you have had enough.

Remember alot of these men came from dysfunctional marriages/families when they split with the ex, they have not addressed these issues then selfishly get into another relationship and expect we suck it up.

when you are an equity life partner (as rags would say), your husband aint respecting you with all this gaslighting and refusing to address sd issues. Its not your financial responsibility or job to cover sd/skids ongoing maintenance and costs, its on both bio parents.

rude little shits don't get the luxury or privilege of stepparent paying for their phone bills and other things. Your husband claling you petty is him gaslighting you. He isn't delusional and knows this isn't your job or responsibility to cover, he also knows its wrong how he and his daughters treat you.

only way to address this is play hardball and not cave in. Mean business, this means when he gaslights you, is petty, goes silent etc, you do not cave in. He needs to fear upsetting you more than shitty disrespectful sd's

frankly, back in late 2018 I already told hubby clearly he wasn't interested in addressing these issues and continuing this cycle of dysfunction he assured me he would not allow to continue and so divorce felt the only logical and reasonable thing to do as I wasn't gonna subject myself or our then 2 toddlers to this toxic shitshow cycle of dysfunction.

only then did my husband finally start growing a pair and start addressing this with skids. He told them yrs ago that they needed to realise this petty crap and nonsense behaviour of theirs was not on. That they needed to realise hubby was gonna prioritise us and soon his free time would be spent with us overseas and skids had burned all bridges of a possible relationship and would be alone because nobody wants to be around miserable rude disrespectful people.

only my ss who is now 24.5 has changed, he's not perfect but he has started to act like a big sibling to our kids and treat them like family, sd's we have not seen or had any contact since oct 2018 (so 4 plus years ago). 
my husband made it clear to his kids from exwife that he couldn't possibly force us to spend holidays together since skids (especially sd's) were hellbent on destroying them. So they would be forced to remain in their country and we would be overseas and that was on them. 
its been a long hard road and year 4 of marriage was real tough, i was convinced we were gonna end it but we just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary 

Hey you know what, it's the same Disney Dad playbook. When you have a legitimate response to being treated badly by someone, and that response is removing yourself from further interaction and cutting off help/esp. financial for that person, JUST BECAUSE IT IS THEIR KID they will freak out. My DH did the SAME THING. Over the top yelling at ME like it was my fault OSD was treating everyone around her terribly. And god forbid I should have ramifications for her and her bad actions. He thought I should remain sweet as pie, take it, keep taking her to the movies and such. I explained to him, calmly, several times that NO ONE should be treated like she's treating others and who better to give her consequences than the adults closest to her? I don't allow any adult, or teen, or stranger to treat me badly so why her?  

He also played the "my childhood was too structured and you are just a totalitarian person with inflexible rules and your parents influenced you badly." I'm like WTF? He knows I disagreed with my parents and moved out as soon as I could after 18 and graduated HS and have limited contact with them now. However, they also instilled independence and critical thinking because I was so on my own as a teen - I had a job, I had money, and responsibility. They didn't coddle me. And gee, I think I'm pretty darned OK. And look where no rules has got him and BM. Two wierd, unsocialized, spoiled girls.

I would tell him, calmly, that if he does want you involved then that will be as a rational adult who is able to have responsibility WITH authority. If he does not agree to this, that he is the ultimate decider, then go for it - hand everything off to him. He doesn't like how you do it then he gets to do it himself. Full disengagement and that means you do not pay for their phones or phone plan if you have no say in their young adulthood training/learning about life. 

My DH and I made it through this. I had to be calm and re-state things over and over because HE was the emotional one. He found a therapist. We kept talking and we know where both of us stand. We are exited for our lives together once YSD ages out in 1.5 years (!!).

You were just bullied into putting SD back on your cell plan.

You know that.

You also know you had to preserve your peace. Except at what cost? A cost to your self respect.

Hun you can do better. You do not deserve any of this.

At some point your peace will mean more than your holding onto a sad situation.

Hope that comes sooner than later.

Blessings

Although I think you turning off her cell phone is no big deal I can understand how that wouldn't go over with your DH who sees himself as protector of his kids. Someone here probably should have mentioned that when you told us your plan.

I wouldn't chose this hill to die on and I think it's good that you turned the plan back on. Unfortunately, now your DH is even more sensitized to thinking of you as mean to his wittle angels.

IMO You do need to find a way to step-back in a relationship that isn't reciprocable but you need to talk about it to give your DH time to adjust or do it in ways that aren't so in his face.

However, his reaction is over the top. My DH would probably yell at me if I did something so abrupt to one of the princess diablas but I don't think I would ever fear that he would completely lose it or hit. That is scary and would make me reassess the relationship and make an exit plan.

On a more specific note, I have a rule that we do not talk about anything at the dinner table that is potentially upsetting or likely to cause conflict. It's bad for digestion and overall health. It leads to overeating and even weight gain. Dinner is a time to relax and be pleasant, not increase cortisol and stress hormones. High conflict subjects can be discussed at a later time. I don't slave over a hot stove to listen to SD's laundry list of whines or politics or money problems or anything else upsetting.

I get the annoyance at the cell phone thing. For 2 months in a row YSDiabla used up all the data for our entire familly group plan because she doesn't connect her Wifi at home. I am so irritated. Fortunately she is showing everyone in the family how selfish she is. The plan is going away at the end of the year (due to the cell company revisions) so we will be getting a new plan that doesn't include her. DH says he will tell BM it's her turn to deal with SD's cell phone. Thank-god. What a brat.

One last thing, teenage girls are the WORST in a step situation. Disengage and don't involve yourself. They will hopefully be gone in 2 years. Back in those days I spent a lot of time in my garden. Digging out rocks was more enjoyable than their presence. I took up my own hobbies and interests and spent a lot of time with my BK's. ignore ignore ignore

Where's the spunky, sassy, full of f.u. attitude you that you showed us when you first joined this site? Compared to this post, it saddens me to see the decline in you. Your DH and his daughters seem to be sucking you dry. Your current situation is untenable. What are your solutions?

Like Stepdrama said - you were bullied into turning her phone back on.  Yes they all won, at your expense.  

He lets them yell at you and be rude to you and when you try to make a stand and set boundries, he does the same to you that they did.

Im sorry, I am mad at them, him and you.  You are allowing it to happen because you just don't want a fight.   

Believe me when I say that my heart is hurt for you.  I was in a relationship just like this prior to DH.  I took every horrible thing that family did to me and gave back even more love and let them wipe their feet on me.  

This was all over a phone.  What is it going to be next time?

Please take care of you and your soul.  Your mental health depends on it,. 

where do you see yourself in 5 years w/ things the way they are. 

A couple of thoughts - when someone else attacks you, it's never your job to make them feel better about having been a bully. It's their job to figure out what they need to do to make it up to you. So, your DH being mad at you for not sitting down to allow everyone to discuss feelings is way out of line. He should have been discussing with his children what they needed to do to make up for their bad behavior. 

Also, I think this might be the heart of the issue - "He said I "was rubbing in the fact that his SD was failing at life, and that was mean." Sounds like it bothers him that his children are failing and instead of dealing with the problem, he's taking it out on you. Bottom line - it's not your fault and you don't have any obligations to pay for anything for his children, especially his adult children. My parents expected me to pay for my own car insurance as soon as I got a car. That was the price for having a car that I didn't have to pay for (my mom's old car that my sister had driven prior to me). It was expensive...way more so than buying a car, but when you want to have adult things, you need to be prepared for adult responsibilities. 

We had similar upsets over DH's kids.  He just could not stand for me to even try to discipline any of them.  He also wanted us all to just get along, preferably with me being very generous, kind and sweet, in other words, not responding realistically.  He had been raised without his mother and here were his 3 kids without theirs so I guess he had some kind of fantasy mom in his head.

I dont really have any advice.  I just stuck it out somehow because my 2 bios were settled in a good school in a nice neigjborhood and had close friends nearby after the chaos following my divorce.  And, for all his flaws, DH was and is a good father to my bios. 

DH and I had periods when we did not sleep together during the upsets.  When I went back to work and started night school (to prepare myself in case we split),  he had to do more with the kids and we got along better.  The more he experienced his kids' crap in person, the more he shut it down or tried to.  But, truthfully, it was just a long slog.  Days passed,  people calmed down, and we lurched toward the next crisis.

I feel for you, Shieldmaiden, I've been there.

Things seem to have gone from bad to worse. Your partner is bullying you. Putting you down. Lashing out at you.

All over a phone. Sounds like your partner is where the skids learned their behavior. Sounds like its ok to bully you and that there are no repercussions when they do.

He knows that what they did was wrong. He probably realizes what he did is wrong. I doubt he will apologise. Id be super suprised. It seems like he he is doubling down on this "must protect SD fee fees and phone", but I also understand why you backed down.

I would be disengaging super hard. I would also get my own separate phone plan asap. And get to a lawyer so at least its not a big question mark what would happen wrt to your home.

Take care.

"Not only will I dismiss you when you abuse, do it again and I will take everything and leave you and your failed family progeny in the gutter."

Cut the Skidult from your cell plan.  And quit waffling and facilitating their crap.

Bat shit crazy, and bipolar is no excuse for how this POS treats you and you need to stop considering any of his shit as an excuse or as acceptable.

I am so mad for you.

Marriage and love should not be painful.  Stop abusing yourself by tolerating their crap and re-engaging when your husband guilts and gas lights you.

Grrrrrrr! And other angry noises.

Take care of you.

...he is "the only one trying to get everyone to get along" And he accomplishes that by screaming at you? How does that help anyone "get along"? No, he's upset that you are not willing to take their abuse, and therefore expecting him to parent. And parenting is HARD. He'd much rather have you be unhappy than inconvenience himself.

Please don't wait too long to address it with him -- timing things around mental health issues is something I've had to do too, but it doesn't give him license to be an abusive asshat. 

If he refuses to parent, fine, you can't make him, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to outwardly smile and inwardly seethe. Figure out what YOU need to be happy in this relationship, and put some boundaries in place. Nobody else gives a damn how you feel, so you have to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry. You are NOT wrong to want boundaries in place; and you're NOT wrong to no longer want a relationship with your H's unlikable, poorly parented, abusive daughters.

What I see is you being held hostage by your H's mental illness. In fact, mental illness is the core issue in all of this - his and theirs. You walk on eggshells because of it, sacrificing your own needs and happiness. Where has that gotten you?

The weight of Other People's Problems is affecting your physical and mental health, and without intervention I don't think your relationship is sustainable. Your marriage is out of balance, with you getting the short end of the stick. Counseling is needed, both individual and marital. Please stop making yourself smaller so these troubled people can remain in their dysfunctional bubble. If change is to happen, you'll have to be the one to start it.

Omg, this sounds very similar to the situation I just left. You are not an asshole in the very least. In fact I don't see how you put up with all this and pay for everything as well. That is horrible and unfair to you. You don't deserve any of this, and I agree, this is horribly unbalanced here because you are doing so much for unappreciative people. I wouldn't be paying for his kids phones in any capacity and cut down on what you are paying for in the house. I have experienced the lazy SD teens and it's not where I would want to be again. That is ultimately why i left

He treats you like skid's sibling rather than a bill paying adult and equal partner.  And this won't be over in two years.

You have the power to impose consequences, do it.

I did not have time to read yon previous responses due to an appointment that left me with only a half hour to say my piece; please forgive any repetitions of other members' comments. 

Shieldmaiden, your post brought me to tears of anger and frustration. The rank injustice of your husband’s accusations took me back to the gaslighting, DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender) and further abusive behaviour of my sociopathic ex. He yelled, threatened, slammed doors and intimidated me until I was frightened into submission. With two daughters under four years of age and not having worked since my mid-teens, (my children were born in my late teens), I felt stuck.

Hon, rather than being ‘stuck’, you are fully able to support yourself. When a relationship becomes so toxic that your health begins to suffer, it’s time to call a halt and re-evaluate your state of affairs.

Here’s an excerpt from

‘Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Bancroft, Lundy’ (who says it best).

“Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy.”

Rest assured, dear lady, that your husband has no intention of either disciplining his daughters or encouraging their departure once they’ve attained adulthood. In fact, he’s already made those facts abundantly clear. 

Since your husband is unwilling to compromise, your best recourse is to suggest living apart and MEAN IT! Stick up for yourself! Like you, I’m a people pleaser, the very type of partner that bullying, narcissistic men prey upon. I escaped two horrific relationships to find what Rags refers to as an ‘equity life partnership’ with the most decent, honorable, loving husband that any woman could hope for. In our late seventies, after more than thirty-eight years of marriage, his big ‘ol smile continues to make my heart go pitty-pat. Hon, you deserve a man who yearns to make you happy, rather than a bully who makes you cry and who will always consider his daughters’ feeling before yours.

((((((HUGS))))))

It's obvious that you're not the primary person in your husband's life. His DD come first.  Don't think when these kids get to be 18 things are gonna get better.  Most likely nothing will change.  They either go to college where DH will support them.  Or not get jobs and DH will support them.

 
do you have to take a stand and say you are not paying for kids who disrespect you. You are disengaging from the kids. What means. No free cell phone, no free taxi service. You cook what you want. Either they eat it or PB&J. 

that you're not wasting your life ungrateful kids,  if DH Has mental health problems, He must see someone or have his meds change. 
 

You are a Viking Warrior. You don't have to take crap like this from ANYONE. Raid and plunder, woman. 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this BS from your husband and I'm sorry my prediction of a sh- hurricane came true... if you don't have the strength right now to confront him, I would at the very least make his life miserable in the meantime while your decide what to do. I wouldn't be nice and I wouldn't be around much. Let him feel your absence even when you're in the room. 

Your DH has browbeaten, bullied and gaslighted you into backing down, even though he is in the wrong.  My DH did something similar to me, back in the Spring - he said that if I didn't do a certain thing with regard to SD27 then he would divorce me.  Initially I agreed to do it, but over the next few weeks I had second thoughts, found some self respect and told him to go ahead and divorce me but I would not be doing what he demanded.  Since then he has been in therapy, and things are slowly improving, although he backslides sometimes.  

take care of YOU!!! I cannot add anything that hasn't been said in this thread. Great advice and empathy! Please take care of yourself!