Were DH & I to harsh????
Ok, here is the situation DH & I are in. Saturday night DH & I went out for about 4 hours (first time out without kids in 8 months). We left SD15 in charge of BS11 (was just the 2 of them here). DH & I told them both the rules before we left....1 no phone (unless it's an emergency), 2 no computer, 3 no one is allowed here while we're gone, 4 Stay inside the house. Pretty simple and easy to follow. Well, DH & I left around 8pm. My cell phone rang an hour later....SD15 " Mom, Tony called asking for dad." I said what did you tell him? SD15 "I told him that dad wasn't here." I said ok, but don't answer the phone anymore. SD15 "OK. Love you mom, have fun." So I told DH what SD15 wanted and then we proceeded on with our evening out without kids. DH & I got home around midnight. Both BS11 & SD15 were asleep in the living room with a movie playing. We got them to their rooms and figured that everything was OK and that they followed the rules. Well, neither of them said much of anything on Sunday...was a pretty normal day. Then Monday came. They both went to school, DH went to work, and I started getting my Christmas decorations out. The kids got home from school and was pretty much like any other school day. They ate a snack and then started on their homework. Well, then at supper SD15 started acting a little weird. Wouldn't hardly talk about her day or anything. So after we all got done eating, BS11 went to his room to play PS2 and DH & I started trying to get SD15 to tell us what was wrong. She started off by complaining about her bf. That she doesn't get to see him and rarely gets to talk to him (he lives about 45 minutes away). So DH told her to dump him...it's not worth getting upset about. Well then SD15 proceeded to say, I cheated on my bf. DH asked how? She said that she made out with another guy. DH asked when? She hesitated and then said "When you & mom went out Saturday night." DH & I stayed calm and asked who? Then she told us everything that happened. About 1/2 an hour after DH & I left, the one neighbor boy came back over to our house. BS11 was asleep on the couch and SD15 went out onto the porch. So, right there she broke 2 rules.....stay inside and no one is allowed here while we're gone. Plus she broke a promise to us. The boy she made out with is only 12 and this isn't the first time she's made out with him. But she promised us the last time (which was about 4 months ago, that it wouldn't happen again). So, she broke 2 rules and 1 promise. After she got done telling us, she asked what her punishment was going to be. DH told her that him & I would have to discuss it and let her know tomorrow (Tuesday). So, DH & I discussed it yesterday and this is what we decided her punishment was going to be....1 month no computer, she can't get her driver permit until Feb 17, 2010 (which she could have gotten it the 17th of this month), and if we have to go anywhere & they can't go with then BS11 is in charge while were gone. DH & I don't really think that this is very harsh and could be a lot worse. Well, DH told her while I was on the phone with MIL and after I hung up I asked what was going on because SD15 was sitting there saying "that is unfair. BS11 didn't get that harsh of a punishment for his grades." (just a little insight on BS11's punishment for his grades. He got his PS2 & computer time taken away until his grades come up. He had 3 D's so far for the 9 weeks. 2 weeks ago I got a progress report and he brought them each up a little. So DH let him have either 1/2 an hour on the PS2 or computer on weekends only. Then Monday I got another progress report and he brought 1 up from a D to C, 1 up a few more points, and 1 stayed the same because some of his scores were not entered in yet. So he is still on punishment, but now he has 1/2 through the week on PS2 and then 1/2 on either PS2 or computer on the weekends.) I said no, but he is still on punishment and he didn't break 2 rules, a promise, and our trust. You did. She then called me a witch and said that her punishment is so harsh because I(meaning me, not her) have been being a witch the past few days. I responded by saying that I have not said or done anything to her or anyone else that would give her the impression that I was being a witch. I then looked at DH & said, have I? He said "no, if you have I haven't noticed." I said "I thought I have been being rather nice." So is the punishment that DH & I gave SD15 to harsh? Please any advice would greatly help me out.
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Honestly, I think so, but
Honestly, I think so, but the is just my opinion.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
Are you sure it was just
Are you sure it was just "making out"? That would be my concern. I don't think you were too harsh. In cases like this, when there are situations where a child can have the opportunity of having sex due to being left alone, the consequences for breaking rules should be strict.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
I don't think so. You
I don't think so. You didn't take away her freedom, she is still allowed out. You did what every parent does and took away what you thought was most important to her. If it was easy, it wouldn't be called punishment.
With my girls, the punishments HAD to be different. One would die to not be able to go out and the other couldn't care less. One would die if she couldn't use the computer and the other couldn't care less about the computer.
I don't think so....SD is
I don't think so....SD is old enough to understand staying in the house means just that..... and she should not be making out with the 12yo neighbor as well. If you all had already discussed it - she knew better than that as well.
In my book - when kids start breaking rules - after being warned and taught better - then it is time for consequences. How else will they learn to be responsible for their actions - if they are rewarded for doing well.... .then they should receive consequences for wrong doing.
I think you handled it well in my opinion.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
I think she should be
I think she should be further punished for calling you a witch. Does your husband allow her to talk to you that way?
Her behavior seems strange to me for a couple of reasons. Why does a 15yo female want to experiment with a 12yo boy? What was behind her confessing it, knowing she would likely get into trouble? A cry for help maybe?
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Good points!
Good points!
This would be something to
This would be something to keep an eye on. She has been abused in the past. Could she possibly be acting out the abuse by getting involved with a much younger boy? I would be very upset if I found out a 15-year-old girl was involved with my 12-year-old son. I really feel for this girl, but I don't think you were too harsh on her. She broke the rules, she knew she broke the rules, she needs to pay the consequences. I do like that she felt comfortable enough with you guys to come forward and tell you about it. That's a good thing.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Not harsh enough by my
Not harsh enough by my standards. But, I am really strict. I think this is very reckless behavior that needs to be stopped sooner rather than later.
It sounds very appropriate
It sounds very appropriate to me. A boy even 3 years younger can be a big problem with today's laws.
I think her punishment was
I think her punishment was actually a little lenient. If I had done something similiar I would be in way more trouble. My parents would have grounded me for a month. I would be able to go to school and come home and do nothing. No computer, no tv, no video games, no phone, just homework and chores.
I spoke to SD15's therapist
I spoke to SD15's therapist today about this whole situation and she agrees that DH & I were not harsh and actually should have given her a harsher punishment. But we took away the things that matter to her the most. And her punishment wasn't the harshest possible, because she did come to us and confess because she thought that if we found out from someone else or a few months from now, that her punishment would be really bad. But SD15 also feels that just postponing her driver permit is enough of a punishment for what she did. SD15's therapist even agreed that BS11's punishment & SD15's punishment should be different. Because they are totally different situations.
I too have been wondering if this experimenting with the younger boy comes from her past abuse. Because from everything that I have read, it is common for the abusee to become the abuser without even realizing it is happening because their past abuse was their normal life style and is the only normal thing they know. I haven't voiced this concern to SD15's therapist yet, but I think I will at next weeks appointment.
As far as her calling me a witch....she received no punishment for that. Even though she was being very disrespectful and what she was saying was untrue. And DH agreed that it wasn't true, he left it go this time. But normally she does get punished for being disrespectful like that towards me. But DH didn't get involved when she said it this time, because he thinks that she was just saying it because she is a teenager. But I'm not sure.
Thanks for all the info and confirming that we were not to harsh on SD15. DH & I didn't think we were, but wasn't sure. I've been telling myself that she's lucky it isn't a lot worse.