Confused, Stressed, Upset, and ready to give up
Some of you may have read my previous posts and know what is going on in my life right now in reguards to my SD15, DH, BS11, & myself. Those that haven't read them, please do before commenting on this post.
Well, we are a month away from the date when DH & I have to take SD15 to testify. And it's stressing us both out because DH's job is not going to good and money is really tight right now. So, that is the stressed part.
The confused part....I just feel as though I am on the tea cup ride at Disney Land and it never stops. I try my hardest everyday to please everyone and it just seems like it is never enough. And I also never get the chance to please myself. I feel like I am constantly giving and not getting anything back. There are days where I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I feel like no one appreciates anything I do.
The upset part.....I posted at the beginning of October about SD15 taking everyone's things without asking and took the advice I was given here and applied it. Well, it seemed to help. Up until tonight when I went into SD15's room to check on her cat,(because SD15 & BS11 are at a friends house for the night)and I found a bunch of my candles. A week or so ago, I had them all on a shelf in the kitchen so I knew where they were so I could put them back out after Halloween. Well, they had disappeared and I asked both kids and DH where they were. No one knew. Then I find them tonight in her room along with a few of my other things that I didn't know where they were. She was doing so well after we have a talk with her about borrowing things without asking and now we are right back to where we started. I don't mind her using my things. My point is, it is my things and I would appreciate it if she asked first. Especially the candle thing. Because DH & I are really in a tight spot with cash right now due to his job and Directv taking $300+ out of our checking account without our authorization and making our account go negative. That I can't afford to go and replace them. I mean I thought I had the candle thing under control, when I gave her 2 different candle holders and went to the $1 store and bought her some candles for them. I just don't know how to get it through to her not to take other peoples things without asking. She never asks to borrow things. But every time she is hungry or thirsty, she asks if it's ok to eat or drink this or that. It doesn't make sense to me.
The ready to give up part.....because of all of the above, I am ready to just give up. I feel like stopping doing everything I do and see what happens. Because I do everything....wash laundry, clean the house, load/unload the dishwasher, remind the kids to do their chores, make sure the kids are up for school, make sure DH has a lunch packed for work everyday, make supper everyday, clean up after everyone, manage the household finances, deal with everything for SD15's hearing coming up in 4 weeks, make sure the kids get to any and all appointments, deal with BM 95% of the time so DH doesn't have to, and many more things that I can't think of right now. But basically I do everything. DH says that is because I am a SAHM(Stay At Home Mom for those who don't know) and he works a full time job. So what if I am a SAHM!!! That doesn't mean I have to do everything by myself. Does it???
Well, I feel a little better venting that all out, maybe now I can sleep. But would appreciate any advice any of you have that could help me.
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Hi Shell, well I guess you
Hi Shell, well I guess you will just have to go into SD's room every day or so and take back all of your stuff! and stay on her about it. I personally would just make the rule, don't use my stuff - maybe she is confused somehow by if she asks, it is ok to take? I woul try too, like you did, to supply her with some of the things she wants, so she does not feel she is so deprived she is tempted further.
Re. stop what you are doing, I think that is a great idea! I would warn them though, that is what you are doing and then it will be hard to watch it fall apart like it will! Maybe you can still wake them up, in plenty of time for THEM to make their own food, iron, etc. Or tell them they must do it the night before. For their own good, they do need to be independent, regardless of who 'works', and if I recall, you are not just staying home eating bonbons all day, right?!!!!
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)I have been a SAHM for many
I have been a SAHM for many years (until a couple of months ago). Yes, it is our job to do all that we can for our families. We should get a six figure income from it!!!!
However, it is very easy for those around us to take advantage of it. They seem to forget that we are expected to be on the job 24/7 and since we don't get paid for it, we should get appreciation and respect as our "pay check". We don't get days off! It has been my experience that you have to let your feelings be known. Let your dh know that you do this "job" 24/7 for NO money but are happy to do it because that is what you want to do, to help him out! It kills me that people think SAHMs have it sooooo easy. Yes, there are some of those out there that sit on their butts and eat bonbons and watch soaps. Not all of us did that! No, we don't have to punch a clock, but neither do we get the benefits of "clocking out" and going home after work! I think that you should sit your dh down and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you appreciate what he does for you and that you feel that he should return the favor! Instead of making you feel that it your obligation to do ALL that you do! SAHMS DON'T have to take abuse for skids in any way, shape or form! It is not part of the SAHM's job description to deal with the bms!! You need to pass that back to your dh! NO WAY would I do it, EVER! He made the choice to be with her and have children with her so he should have to suffer the consequences of his actions! It only causes him to think you should be doing it ALL! As for your sd taking your stuff.... Well, that's probably not going to change at all. All you can do is check her room, tell her that you don't appreciate her taking your stuff and/or going into your room to get your stuff and that as long as she continues this behavior, you will not show her any respect for her privacy and will go into her room and take your stuff back!
Just because you are a SAHM
Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you have to deal with BM 95% of the time.Sorry that's your dh's job.
As far as laundry ,get your sd15 and bs11 to start and stop doing it yourself. Asign choirs and also take a break. One day a week for yourself. Just leave the house and everythign and go out for coffee.
Your sd probably honestly doesn't think when she takes things, in her eyes its not stealing, its in the house around....so i think the best bet is to just keep chekcing her room and keep taking the stuff out and placing them back.Say nothing.
Your sd is probably trying to gain control and ground in her life.
Does she go out or have a friends circle? its important.
As for things that you feel you dont want to share just lock them up and keep the key to yourself. dotn bother informing anyone...just doit.
You need to go tit for tat
You need to go tit for tat with this one. Your SD is 15, should know better than to take other people things without their permission, especially if she has been told before. Every day or week, make a log of what you have found in your room that does not belong to her. Log it in an excel sheet or a chart. For every item she has taken of someone elses, she will lose something of her own. Every Saturday, bring this chart out and show her what she owes. She will lose said item for at least a week. For example, take away her hair straightener, her favorite pair of shoes, her cell phone, iPod, camera, favorite shirt....whatever will make an impact. The more important the item stolen, the more important the item lost. Hope this helps.
Stop dealing with BM and
Stop dealing with BM and make your DH do it. And START taking SD15's stuff and hiding it...she is old enough to better or have it done to her. Then maybe she'll realize its not right!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Thank you, everyone for your
Thank you, everyone for your advice.
There is a rule on already in our home that states you have to ask before borrowing someone else's things. So, I think DH & I are going to have to have another talk with her about it. Plus, I am going to put my personal things that I don't allow anyone else to use away where she won't know where they are and won't be able to just take them when ever she feels like it.
As far as the candles thing....No it is no certain color. Just any candle that is sitting out in my living room or kitchen. So to solve this problem, I am putting away any candles that I am not using and like my other things, she won't know where they are.
The children already have a chore chart that they are required to follow everyday and mark off that they have completed them or they do not receive their monthly allowance. But it doesn't seem to matter that they have this chart, because DH & I still have to remind them to do their chores. I think that I am no longer going to remind them and when it comes time for them to get their allowance and they don't get it, may be then they will learn that they need to do them.
I think I will have to have another talk with DH about the SAHM thing. Because I love being here for my family, but I don't like the fact that they are all taking advantage of me. As if I am just some robot here to serve their every need or want. What about my needs and wants? Who is gonna fulfill them for me?
As far as dealing with BM....DH has been dealing with her. I think I just tossed that in there because for the last 10 years I have been and when I had to talk to BM the other day...it felt like we were back to me dealing with BM and DH enjoying the BM free life again. I do admit that I do still deal with BM for him, but more like 75% of the time. Only because it seems that it makes our life easier at times when I do. But DH has been trying to deal with BM more than he has ever done in the past 10 years. But I think he needs to a little more, so that it relieves some more stress off of me. And maybe one day DH will deal with BM 100% and I won't have to at all.
I also like the idea of one whole day to myself for some me time. I don't get that until about 1am when everyone is in bed sleeping. I guess after 10 years of DH telling me that my me time is when DH is at work and the kids are at school, I didn't think he was wrong. I may have to discus this with them and tell them a certain day where I will not be doing anything but enjoying a little me time. Though it will be hard, because I never had any me time and won't know what to do. Would be easier if I had friends to do things with. But we moved to Oklahoma a year ago and since I don't work, I haven't been able to meet anyone. So, I guess I'll have to do things by myself. :/
Thanks again everyone! Everyone's advice has helped me a great deal. And anyone else who may have anything else to suggest, please do so.