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I can't ignore that my step-daughter won't try to build a relationship

shanellbn's picture

Submitted by shanellbn on Sat, 06/02/2012 - 9:33pm

Hello All,

I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years---I married when I was 21. At the time he was not really involved in his daughter life from his previous marriage, no fault of my own. His relationship with his daugther was difficult because of the mom. Anyhow, years later he decided that he was ready to become part of his daughter life, which I never prevented,but now she was a teenager. In the beginning, she did not interact with me, which I expected, but my husband frivoulsy spent money on things for his daughther, which resulted in our family, (me and our 2 sons), close to eviction,-- bills were not being paid, and we never had money. I endured those terrible times, until he snapped from the manipulation by his daughter, I then tried to build a relationship. Four years later, she still does not want to have anything to do with me or her 2 brothers, even after she knew of the hardships we endured, so she can have the latest fashions, and cell phones. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with his daughther not building a relationship with me and her brothers. so, now I feel awkward whenever he is on the phone talking to his daughter, he then tells me that I am making him feel uncomfortable. I feel like this can cause strife in our marriage. What should I do? Should accept the fact that she does want to build a relationship with me or expect our marriage to fall apart?

Comments

shanellbn's picture

Submitted by shanellbn on Sat, 06/02/2012 - 9:53pm

No. I have never read the Stepmonster book, but I guess I should, to get some insight in to the hell of being a stepparent,and SD is 19 years old.

knucklehead's picture

Submitted by knucklehead on Sat, 06/02/2012 - 10:04pm

She is 19 and doesn't want a relationship with you. So what? My SD19 doesn't want a relationship with me, and I don't care. My DH usually only has contact through text (sporadic now) but a year or so ago, they would meet occasionally. I didn't go. Why would I?

Anyway, I guess I just don't see what you want... to FORCE her to have a relationship with you?

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 06/02/2012 - 11:04pm

I guess she is mighty ticked off that all the family money is being spent on the ungrateful SD. Maybe she does not want to do coffee and doughnuts with this girl, but would like this girl to be civil. Not too much to ask really. Still, as usual the problem is not the stepdaughter it is the husband who expects his wife to sit back and take this crap so he can play puppet to his daughter while his wife and any other childfren he has with her sit back and quietly go without, that way he doesn't have to feel guilty, because he damn well knows he is doing the wrong thing here. Having a relationship with your children should not be wallet dependent.

He has gotten older, now has decided to play daddy to the daughter he shoved aside as a child and thinks handing out money hand over fist will fix up the wrong he did. Guilty daddy is now going to try and buy his daughter back, and she is going to milk this for all it is worth, she is going to make daddy pay - understandable, but not right, however it is human nature I guess. But, his wife is paying the price for all of this and why should she.

This SD has two half brothers and her father thinks it is okay to ignore his new wife and her siblings as long as he gets attention from his daughter nothing else matters. I can understand why she is hurt. Her husband all but destroyed his family financially because HE decided he now wanted to play daddy to his teenage daughter, gave her all the family money and left his family destitute and instead of appreciating that his wife stood by him throughout all of this, he has shoved his wife and 2 sons off to the side now, just like he shoved his daughter to the side previously. I get why his wife is upset.

I would not bother trying to have a relationship with this girl. She does not want one with you and you have to accept that. You cannot be part of her life or her family, nor she yours, unless both of you want it and SHE does not. Unfortunately, you have no say in this, however, you do have a say on how your husband treats you and his sons, and how he spends the family finances. I would be dealing with that and forget about any relationship with this young woman. She owes you nothing, but your husband, well that's another matter. Either he learns how to balance having a relationship with his wife and sons and with his daughter from a previous relationship, or he will lose one of them, my bet is, he will lose his wife and sons because this daughter is going to make him pay for abandoning her and her mom will be right behind her encouraging her from the sidelines every step of the way.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 4:10am

Well it doesn't sound like you are missing anything really! by having no relationship with her. My best advice is, let her come to you.

Anyone who wouldn't want to know their parent, and siblings? is not going to be a light in your life.

Of course the dad will be blamed for no relationship earlier, they are the socially accepted whipping boy/wallet and BM had nothing to do with it, of course.!

SD's continuing anger is also considered socially acceptable. So save yourself the trouble hon!! She will either come around, or not, oh well.

In the meantime, separate your money from DH.!!!!! Get a job if you don't have one imo, so you are not as vulnerable to whatever crazy thing he does!! HUGS