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Lack of connection

lvs14698's picture

Submitted by lvs14698 on Fri, 02/21/2020 - 5:01pm

Hello all! This is my first post, so here it goes. I have been with my fiancé for 7 years. He has two beautiful children ages 18 and 12. Three years ago, we packed up and moved to his kids home state so he gets to spend more time with them especially since he travels an awful lot for work. 
In the last three years I've been trying so hard to build a real relationship with my step kids. It has been going well with my step son the 12 year old. However, with my step daughter, I feel ignored, tolerated, used only when needed and like a wall is put up by her. 
Any advice on how to build a stronger relationship?

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 02/21/2020 - 5:03pm

Don't try - just be kind and pleasant.  Let her decide if she wants more of a relationship with you - but don't let her use you to try to win her favor, then she will not respect you.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 02/21/2020 - 5:17pm

Stop trying so hard. Just be yourself and let the relationship develop (or not) naturally. Of course, be kind and support her relationship with her father, but don't buy her things or try to spend time with her or otherwise spend time or energy on her. 

She doesn't have to like you or have a relationship with you at all. She does have to be polite and respectful, and if she isn't polite and respectful then her father needs to step in and correct that behavior.

Many of us here fell into the trap of  trying too hard. It doesn't work, and a relationship can't be forced.

 

Justthesecondwife's picture

Submitted by Justthesecondwife on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 6:17am

I tried too hard for my, now estranged SD, to like me. What a mistake. I really thought she would see I am a good person and I make her dad happy, so I went as far as taking time away from my own kids and family, to spend time with her and help her with everything she asked. It was a trap. Everything I did or said was twisted into horrific lies and told to BM who then used them to attack me from every angle. I was accused of the most ridiculous, and disgusting things. Nothing true, but they had the potential to ruin my career, marriage, and of course caused enough stress that my anxiety went through the roof and my health suffered.

Please be weary of a case of the "mini wife". It is all too common. Too many SD's will see the SM as competition for the attention of their dad, or the thing that is in the way of DH and BM getting back togather. Many are in collusion with BM to creaste disharmony in your home and marriage.

I hope this is not your situation, but there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly, and letting your relationship with SD develop naturally, or just having polite and superficial relationship if SD chooses not to want anthing further. Cordial is fine, you don't need to be besties. If SD is disrepectful or hurtful, then you have an issue which needs to be addressed, otherwise, go with the flow and let your DH handle her.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 02/21/2020 - 7:10pm

Teenagers are mostly like that. Even with their bioparents. Don't feel bad about it. Just be yourself and be kind and friendly, but don't go overboard. That will just make you tired and resentful. As the other poster said, she doesn't have to like you. If she doesn't, it may be due to something totally out of your control. 

SMto2's picture

Submitted by SMto2 on Sat, 02/22/2020 - 10:36am

I agree with not trying too hard. I'm now suffering the effects of trying too hard with my adult SKs who came back into our lives after being no-contact for 5 or so years. I tried to be good to them by buying them things, thinking it would help build the relationship, and all it did was make me feel taken advantage of when I realize they don't care about me. I'd just be pleasant, polite, like a friendly neighbor, and not go out of my way.