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OT - On my last nerve

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 10:34am

I swear to Dog......I am on week 2 of 2-3 hours of sleep a night and I am on my last nerve. The next person that pisses me off is going to end up having their body dumped off at the nearest pig farm.

That is all.

Comments

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:14am

You're killing me. I would love coffee and booze. Both eff up my sleep.

Though a nice glass of bourbon and shotgun sound great right now. Too many dirt eating morons, so little time.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:19am

Ok fine, no shots... how about a big bag of coffee beans and some privacy **wink wink** STEP AWAY FROM THE SHOTGUN, but leave the bourbon for me.

Dirt eating morons, I freakin LOVE that. I'm using it right now. Who can I use this on... hmmmm... oh, I know. This chick in my office that talks NON-STOP. This is gonna be fun. **jumping out of my chair**

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:30am

Take pictures!!!!

I did call someone a dirt eating moron yesterday. There is an over abundance of hipsters where I live. Yesterday I was pulling into a street parking space and three of them crossed the street, in front of traffic. Then proceeded to walk in front of my car while I was parking. So I waited for them to get past my car. And waited, and waited.

So I finally got sick of them, laid on my horn, rolled down my window and yelled "You three dirt eating morons need to stop stumble-fucking your way across the street and shag ass onto the sidewalk!"

Then I gunned my engine and started creeping forward.

I may or may not have clipped on of them.

My kingdom for a wood-chipper to rid the world of hipsters, Fargo style.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:32am

HAHAHAHAHA, that made me laugh out loud!!! I think I like Sleep-deprived Shaman!!

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:44am

I have actually done this. LMAO. I worked in an office with all men. When they would piss me off, I would make them sit in a chair in the corner with their nose to that wall... of course they were disgusting and would sit in the corner pretending to jerk off... it was funny, the first time.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:55am

Not 100%, but I have to tell myself that to keep me from ending up in a mental facility. One morning I walked in the office and all the lights were off except one, way in the back. One of the guys was laying on the couch, all I could see was a silhouette of him and what looked like... him pleasuring himself. I panicked and didn't know what to do. I could see a bottle of lotion on the coffee table. I panicked MORE. He starts cracking up and flips the light on. He was holding a banana. WTF? Yeah, it was THAT kind of an office. We were usually drunk by 4 and not home until midnight. Good times... good times.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:07pm

We had a lot of fun, no doubt. I always had to make sure my work was done by 3, that's about the time they would slam a drink down on my desk. Most offices decorate with pictures and plants... not us, we had empty vodka bottles and a WII. One time I was on the phone with a client. One of the idiots turns on the TV and it was up REALLY loud. Whoever was watching TV last was apparently "lonely". I literally hung up on the client so they wouldn't hear as this guy fumbles to turn the volume down. Apologized and told the client that our call was dropped.

Yeah, I work in the mortgage industry.. not a bar.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:07pm

I would too. I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

Once in a meeting, our CFO kept bringing up the duty costs in Brazil.

Duty, duty, duty.

I couldn't take it any more and finally quipped "He said doody."

He nearly wet himself.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:12pm

YES!!! I LOVE it when people say Duty. Doody... or anything that can be turned in to something gross.

My BFF tells me all of the time I have the sense of humor of a pubescent boy! That's why she loves me so much!

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:34pm

Meow?

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:36pm

HAHAHA, too far?

***frantically trying to change the subject***

She said DONGLE!!

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:40pm

Oh hell no. I can't stop laughing........

Wait.....someone just said asphalt! HA!

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:37pm

Kitties?

I love kittys . We got eight of them. Tiggers gonna have her kittens bout the same time as baby Cleetus Jr. is born. I think it will be a real bonding experience for us. I may even let Tiggers and the kitties share the crib.

Hee! My baby will have me and a cat mommy too. How cool? I thinks his nickname shall be Moeglee.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:40pm

As long as you aren't giving birth to a lazy eyed kitten in the toilet, you are gonna be as happy as flies on poop.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:41pm

That would be very convenient if they're all in the crib together. The cat can nurse your newborn while feeding all of her kittens. Would free up a ton of time for you.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:47pm

I saw a show where a dog nursed a baby squirrel.

If the baby nurses on the cat I can just sell the formula I get from WIC and make a real profit off this baby having business!

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:10pm

Good thinking. Don't forget to drink a lot of beer while nursing, it will help them all sleep through the night.

Beer N Breast Milk - It's what's for dinner!

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:13pm

Shaman, you think it would be safe to give the cat beer on the nights I let it nurse the baby?

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:15pm

Oh sure......what's a drunk cat between friends.

Wait....that really didn't come out the way I intended.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:14am

I wish. I miss coffee a lot. But I gave it up 2 years ago. Sad I miss the smell, the taste, running my fingers through the beans......whoa.....TMI. Blum 3

It's my thyroid meds messing me the heck up. They're giving me hyperthyroid symptoms which includes insomnia. It wasn't so bad at first but now I'm in full on ass-kicking, potty mouth, bitch mode.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:06pm

Thank you.....the F-bomb has been flowing freely from my mouth. I keep having to apologize for my sleep deprived Tourettes.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 11:25am

I'm with you Kay.....I may be cracking open my bottle of Tylenol with Codeine.

Midol PM?? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:09pm

My DH is the same. He's like a fucking canary, turn out the light and he's out.

He fell asleep at the movies twice since I've known him.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:12pm

Shamon!!! That was YOU that runned over my cousins Dickey, Rufus, and Elvis??

You bucket of fish guts !

I hope your proud of yourself. I will have you know that They walk like that because they all inhairited Pappys condition of the extra testacle

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:13pm

Bucket of fish guts.

Wow, I am pickin up so many good things here today ladies, I thank you.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:15pm

Further more they eat dirt on account of low blood iron and Peeka

Its a medical condition. I am so glad you find it fun to pick on the disabled

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:46pm

Love? Am I to assume your entire family is required to wear safety vests when they leave the house....I mean trailer?

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:20pm

Yes....that was me. Let me be the first to congratulate your family on winning three Darwin Awards.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:32pm

Expect the lawsuit paper in the mail .

Whew dog! Dickey gonna finally get that fancy used doublewide he's been dreaming of

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:52pm

Well fed pigs. They loooooooovvvvveeeee Darwin Award recipients.

And we walked hand in hand together down the road.

The end.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:01pm

Sniff....brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

I can picture our trailer now. All silver, shining in the moonlight just like a Coors Light can. Several cars in our yard, in various states of disrepair. Overgrown grass hiding the sandbox.

At Christmas time even string our used Coors Light cans together, put Christmas lights in them and decorate our trailer with them during the holidays. It's just lovely.

Kitties and pigs all curled up on our sofa.

Sigh.

Just like heaven.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:21pm

Doesn't it though?

And stick the beer in the bushes. Let the cold air keep them frosty plus they will let very christmasy the way the police lights reflect off of them

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 12:54pm

Wait... I thought we aren't allowed to talk about bacon on this site. Bacon and religion, right? Careful with your piggy's ladies, you don't want to get the el BOOT.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:10pm

***FELL OUT OF CHAIR***

no really, I just fell out of my chair. That's some funny shit right there.

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:20pm

Besides this is 'Merica! We love Jesus, Apple Pie and Bacon!

-- I actually heard someone say that out loud once. LOL

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:03pm

Well then I guess I'll have to cancel my bacon and holy water spa bath later.

Thanks for ruining my day BS!

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:06pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't cancel, make it for two and I will come with you!!!!

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:24pm

Another one?

Im finally out of Skeeters emergency Depends . Yer gonna have to go to The Pig and get yer own

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 10:36pm

Dtzy, Its alright love, anything for family.

Im convinced your stepchile is a lost member of our clan.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:47pm

Thank you BS.......I've been needing to diet and you've completely taken away my appetite! Rock on!

Must not puke in my trash can.

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:59pm

Arnette took that one home to stick baby Julies fat ass into.

Don't judge, Pampers is expensive

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 2:26pm

Oh, that's just cause Dwight dared Skeeter that he couldn't spit shine the whole thing.

Who would've thought he had that talent?

We should put him to work at the carwash

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 2:33pm

Oh hell....what's one more person? You can move in with us!

Hope you don't mind the pigs and kittens. They take care of the babies, so they shouldn't be too much trouble.

Polly Esther's picture

Submitted by Polly Esther on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 9:52pm

Can I cook? Fair ta middlin'. How do you like your kitten? Wink

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 9:49pm

Shhhhh. Dayum girl! If Cleetus finds out about Boudreax he gonna kick me, the baby, and the eight cats out. Then I gonna have to move in with you!

loveblinded1's picture

Submitted by loveblinded1 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 10:02pm

Cleetus and I been discussing. Since so many of yall are piling in we gonna need to.upgrade to something roomy and fancy. Like a used double wide.

So we gonna have to pool the foodstamps to sell and cover higher rent.
And since we are already discussin, whoever milked the cat - stop that, its gonna be for the baby!