Phonecall from my parents
Dad gave me kuddos though. He said himself that he wouldn't have lasted as long as I did.. he would have cracked a long, long time ago. Ultimately he understands why I don't want to see my inlaws... I just don't feel safe. As caring as I know they are... it's really hard if not next to impossible to know the degree of loneliness I feel.
I know it's stressful for people to imagine their parents getting sick, or their siblings getting into accidents... it's that burning feeling that you want to be there, you should be there... but you can't. It's not an issue of want it's the overwhelming sensation of being unable to go there even if you want to.
Ultimately in the end, all that remains is that choice and that consequence which follows.
I've been gone from home for almost a year. If I go home, I'll definitely have a roof over my head. My job? That's long gone along with any seniority I had because I upped and left. All that's left for me in Canada is a job working beside the teenagers flipping hamburgers. But at least my parents are there. I'll always have a roof over my head and food.
Or I can opt to stay here. With all the above that you've already read.
Being this depressed has always put me in such a thought provoking state in which I'm stuck wondering a great many things....
Did you ever wonder why, at the end of Star Wars did Vader decide to pull off his mask?
I've been sitting here wondering the same thing. Why would anyone in their right mind want to do something like that knowing it'd be certain death.
Maybe that was the answer, it was a certainty versus the uncertainty of what was to come. I'm sure by that point in the movie Vader had probably rationalized that the Empire had fallen, his boss was dead, his cronnies were turning on him. He killed his own master, not to mention he also had the past 20 years of various galactic atrocities to answer for in which the most probable course of action would have resulted in his swift demise at the expense of the newly formed Republic.
So should I deal with the certainty of being a burger flipper working for minimum wage, or exist in limbo.
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If you have taken all you can
If you have taken all you can emotional stand, go home sweetie and allow your parents to help you back on your feet, even if it is flipping burger for minimum wage. It is an honest job! Smiles. Don't walk but run. LOL's.
Hey, I have to ask... how
Hey,
I have to ask... how supportive is your husband? Does HE have any compassion for you right now? Does he take some responsibility for the position you're in now?
This loneliness is a terrible thing. I'm glad you spoke to your parents. Even though they aren't giving useful advice, it's important for you right now to keep in contact with those that will rally for you.
Six months after being in the US, and six months after being married and dealing with the all the drama that the marriage stirred up in my new family, I went back home for a month. I was severely depressed in the US, to the point of not ever leaving my room (and I was living with my in-laws). At home, my family took care of me, literally to the point of bringing food to me in bed and making me eat it. I finally gained back the strength and will to get out of the house and go see my friends. And I had left my husband to deal with the shit that him not-tying-up-all-the-loose-ends had caused, but I was sure that I was going back to him and that he wanted me there. Later in the year, I had another breakdown, but this time I couldn't go back home. My dad was about to put my mother on a plane to come and get me, and I told them no because I was committed to my marriage and love my husband. I KNOW that people who are not in this step-family mess JUST-DON'T-GET-IT. It take a lot of getting used to, and that takes a lot of time, and it is STRESSFUL with no end in sight.
Anyway, a big part of the process is grieving - grieving for the life we hoped/expected this to be, since it isn't what we were expecting. I certainly felt that I was entitled to feel sad and depressed about all the things I didn't see coming and didn't sign on for.
But another part of this process is acceptance - accepting the things you cannot change, and working towards changing the things you can. In my case, the BM wasn't going anywhere, the kids neither, and I didn't have a choice but to live with the in-laws. So those things I had to accept. But living in fear because of a jealous, insecure BM who was trying to also poison the kids against us was something I wasn't going to continue doing, I couldn't, I felt like it was killing me. I somehow managed to convince my husband to do a number of things that would resolve this. He had committed to loving and protecting me, so he owed it to me that HE do the things necessary that would allow me to not live in fear because of his past decisions and actions.
You really have to take the time to figure out what you're willing to live with and what you're not willing to live with. If the things you're not willing to live with are things that YOU cannot change, or that your husband cannot change or influence to change or is unwilling to change, then the answer sometimes comes easily. But it's all gray, and it'll take a lot of time to sort through in your mind, so be patient with yourself and your husband while you figure it out.
I'm not one to tell anyone to leave their marriage. Every thing I've read says that it takes 5-7 years for a stepfamily to begin to gel and a feel like family, though it's never going to feel like your nuclear family. Lucky ones might achieve that in 3 yrs, and research says that it take up to 12 years in some cases.
It is NOT going to be easy if you decide to stick it out, heck - flipping burgers with no emotional roller-coaster life sounds wayyyy easier. But that doesn't mean that it can't be happy or rewarding, today only in tiny moments perhaps, but in larger bits when the dust has settled.
Keep sorting it through as you're doing. I think you're doing the right kind of thinking.
Stay strong.
Dear SD, That's not really an
Dear SD,
That's not really an option right now. I go back right now with my visa expired it's an instant ban from re-entering the states for 5 years. Not a pretty picture.
I could have all that and everything else, but then what? What would happen to my marriage?
How many marriages can survive for 5 years being in two separate countries? My DH can't even come to Canada because of his commitment to the army. That will take another 3 years to let up completely.
That's years we'll have to be apart.
So the choice is...
Financial freedom, otherwise a good life vs. my marriage falling apart
I hate this.