Christmas with the step daughter again
I am new to this site, and for that matter have never blogged or chatted online at all. If I just send this out to space at least maybe it will get out of my head. I have a stepdaughter that is 12, and I have been married to her dad for 7 years. We also have two children of our own that are 5 and 4. I have tried very hard to love my stepdaughter, but I just don't. Don't get me wrong I care about what happens to her but I just can't get past the fact that I don't like her. She lies about everything and always has. She doesn't appreciate anything that is done for her or given to her. She only cares about getting more or having money spent on her. She does not know how to have a good time just spending time with family unless you are spending money. Around here money is usually in short supply since I am a stay-at-home mom so I try to do fun things that don't cost anything with the kids. I can't lay the blame all on her because her mother has taught her to be that way, but that does not make her any more enjoyable to be around. She came to live with us last year for about 7 months because her mother was not able to take care of her at the time.(That is a whole other story.) At any rate it was my idea for her to come live with us and I hoped staying with us for a longer time would help her some. She usually takes about a week before she starts acting right when she comes to stay with us. This time it did not get better. She was attending school here and could not make any friends because of her "I am better than you attitude" We only get her on holidays and in the summer, because she lives 20 hours driving distance from us. Her mother is much more lax about rules and behavoir than we are. Her mother treats her like an adult friend instead of a 12 year old daughter. I have never said anything negative about her mother to her and never would. There is no since in it because it would only hurt and upset her, and I don't want that. I just keep all the things I think to myself and they are about to make me explode! We pay our child support ontime, pay to fly her here for every visit, and of course take care of 1/2 her medical bills. We also help out with extras when we can. But when she comes to visit she never has clothes that fit or are even decent so I end up buying her more. She will even tell me that her mother would not let her bring her nice clothes and that she has plenty at home, but her mom said we would buy her some if she didn't bring them. It is not fair to make her wear worn out illfitting clothing when she is here when it is not her fault. I realize her mother does it on purpose but can not bring myself to let her suffer for it. She is coming for Christmas this year for the third year in a row. (We always have her around Christmas it is just supposed to be every other year on Christmas.) I am glad she will get to come for my husband and kids sake, because they all miss her. It will only take about 2 days before my kids start asking when she is going home though. The thing that I am upset about is the extra money we will have to spend on her. My kids still believe in Santa so I will have to get her Santa stuff too. When she is not here on Christmas she only gets presents from the family no Santa. She was not going to get to come until after Christmas this year because of when her school gets out, but she pitched a fit about missing Christmas. She knows that she doesn't get as many presents when she is not here on Christmas. I do not believe in missing school just for a trip when she could have stayed just as long if she had come after Christmas. Now she will miss 3 days of school because her Dad would not stand up and say no. It is not fair that we have to spend so much on her. We already spend more money every month on her than we do on both of our other children. Then at Christmas when I really want to do extra for them they still get shorted. They don't know it, but I do. We end up spending three times as much on her as them. I know I should not think that way, but when she gets to go on $1000.00 trips twice a year and takes art lessons and I can't even pay for my daughter to take dance lessons that she is begging for it makes me mad. Just because they came along after her does not make them any less important. My husband feels bad that he doesn't get to see her very often and that when she is here I am the one that spends time with her because she acts so much like her mother he can't be around her one on one for more than an hour. So he lets her mother talk him into sending her extra money everytime we turn around. I feel like we are all just trying to love her, but end up just putting up with her. Even her Grandmother will not spend time with her alone anymore, because she is always trying to get money out of her. I try to ignore her faults and remember that she is what she was made to be, but the thought of her coming for Christmas just so she can get more makes me want to scream! I am so tired of putting on a happy face and making it work. The worst thing about how I feel is that I think she really does like and trust me. How is that for a kick in the teeth!
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Or you could
buy the new wardrobe from Santa from a consignment shop. That way you're killing two birds with one stone. Or quite simply put a gift card from Walmart in her stocking, take her there, direct her to the clothing, and when the money is gone, it's gone.
Where is your husband during Christmas visitation? Is he working? Is it possible for him to take vacation while she's there to lessen your load? She is HIS responsibility. Have you talked to him about your situation and how it affects the two children you have together?
I wish you well. Know that you have found a wonderful place at this site to vent and to ask for advice! These women and men tell it like it is and are so kind! They'll get you through the worst of times and celebrate your happiest days with you.
Christmas visitation this year..
my husband has taken off some time from work. He says it is to spend time with my SD but I know he will get tired of her attitude and spend most of his time off hunting. He does try to spend time with her but I think he thinks I should just take care of her like she is my own. (He is a good provider, but does not do much in the way of taking care of the kids since I started staying home with them.) I have tried to talk to him about how spending so much money on her affects our other children, but to tell the truth I never really tell him everything. I have only been married this one time and want it to stay that way. I am afraid nagging him about it will only cause problems between us. I knew when I married him he had this child and she came with the package. I just didn't realize her mother would be such a problem. I know their are plenty of biological fathers that don't do their part, but he does and I just don't understand why she wants to treat him like an open wallet. She was the one that cheated on him and left him. Why does she take advantage of him every chance she gets? I know I should stand up to him about it more, but I don't want to be complaining about how much she is costing us all the time. It makes me feel like I am treating her like an unwanted bill. I don't want it to sound like that to him.
I do like the idea of putting a walmart card in her stocking. When she was younger I did buy her clothes from consignment shops. I can't do that anymore, because she is so hard to fit. She is 12 years old, 6 feet tall,wears a women's size 12 shoe, and has the body shape of a 12 year old. So she has to try one everything I buy her, and her mother would throw away any clothes I bought her if she knew they came from a consignment shop. She thinks it is nasty to wear clothing that belonged to other people first. I personnally think as long as it still looks nice there is nothing wrong with it. I buy clothes for both of my other children like that.
I totally get where you're coming from!
I sometimes leave things out of conversations with my DH, especially when it comes to telling the truth with how I feel. I'd love to tell him that his son is sucking the life out of our home, but I know that it'd cause major problems eventhough he had no trouble telling me the shortcomings of my own daughter whom also lives with us FT. Anyhow, maybe you could suggest a shorter visitation schedule pointing out first and foremost that even HE needs to get away from his own child when she's visiting. Ask him how he thinks the rest of HIS family must feel when they see him dodging her.
http://www.geocities.com/histigerlily/disengage.html
Go to the above link and read about disengaging before SD's visitation. See if that is something you might be able to do for a week. I've tried it before over short amounts of time and it worked (but didn't for extended periods of time).
My husband thought that since we married, I'd take over full responsibility of his son. I am slowly but surely asserting myself in our relationship because I have a child of my own; I work FT and have a PT job; and I am finishing my Master's degree. I made the conscious decision that I didn't want any more children and he assured me before we married that his son was low-maintenance and self-sufficient. He lied. So any chance I get, I make sure to throw in the fact that his son is HIS responsibility, not mine, and I got duped on the deal. Maybe you could do the same because being a SAHM is a demanding job. If DH gets mad, he'll get over it. Think of it this way: If someone isn't afraid of doing something in the first place, then they shouldn't be afraid of hearing about later!
You certainly have a lot on your plate!
First, DH needs to understand that you are not and cannot be responsible for HIS child. If she is ill under your care, guess what? HE will have to be the one to take her to the hospital and authorize her care and that is just a basic problem. Too bad if she reminds him of his ex; she is still HIS CHILD. If he can't stand to be around his own flesh and blood, why should you have to do that?
Second, if her mom won't let her wear second hand clothes, tough. Or, you could do the same thing she does and not allow her to take what you buy her home with her. That way, she at least has decent clothing at your house. And if it doesn't fit when she comes back, take it to the consignment shop and swap it out.
Finally, you should make it clear to DH that the trip to your house should be part of her Christmas present. That is a lot of money for you to shell out and you do have other children to consider. If he doesn't like that idea, then maybe you should reconsider how often she visits or how she gets there. Are buses or trains an option?
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I went through similar stuff with my now adult SDs and I wish I had been this tough when they were visiting.
marika
I agree you have got to stop the free ride...
Do not feel like you have to overload your SD with Christmas presents just because she is coming early. This only feeds her greed, so to speak. She should get the same number of Christmas presents she always gets. Put out like, two things from Santa, and wrap a couple more. Leave it at that, if she complains, so what, she is going to anyway right? YOu can't let a child's wants rule your holidays and your wallet. My BD has one Christmas, my ex celebrates it with us, she gets her presents from me and DH, my ex, my parents, ex's parents, and all the cousins and aunts and uncles here. My skids only get the presents from us here, so they are obviously going to have less at our house. But when they get home, they will have a whole other Christmas waiting for them from BM, thier grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... We just explain to them that they get two Christmases, and BD only gets one. If that doesn't satisfy them, too bad. Everything isn't always going to be fair every minute in a child's life. We do what we think is right, and that is good enough.
As for the clothes situation, I agree with everyone else here, she doesn't arrive with her clothes your DH has helped to pay for, too bad. Not your problem.
Best of luck!
Don't let her ruin your Christmas!!!!!
I think you just described a slightly nicer version of my SD. Your life and mine are very similar. I have been distraught at the thought that SD is supposed to spend Christmas with us this year. I guess what I've realized is that I am going to do things the way I would do things if she wasn't here. She shouldn't get more presents because she's coming early. Get her the same amount of presents and say that they're all from Santa except for one from you and your family. Just re-label : ) As for the clothes....she's 12. Doesn't she pack her own bags? For whatever reason, if she doesn't come with nice clothes then she's going to have to deal. Your husband does his part by paying child support. Maybe your husband should call ahead of time and remind her to bring the appropriate clothing.
When you said, "Just because
When you said, "Just because they came along after her does not make them any less important." really hit home with me. Except in my case it's not dancing lessons or anything like that since my daughter is 1 year old, it's TIME, not monetary things, that should be spent with OUR daughter. His kids live with us year round, they never visit their mom, and since our daughter has been born it's like he doesn't want to feel guilty for not spending enough time with his older two when in fact he is spending little to no time with our daughter. Speaking of stepdaughters acting like their moms, it's amazing that my stepdaughter acts exactly like her mom, i.e. lies to our faces, blantant disregard for anyone but herself, if it's not her idea then it totally sucks, etc etc, but she has not seen her mom in 3 years. Amazing how that "manipulative" trait transcends itself regardless of time spend with that parent that has those traits as well. My opinion would be that you ask her mom and dad to take another look at the agreement and have her stay with her mom this christmas because she has been with you guys for the past two christmases, if I read that correctly. Also, paying child support AND paying for her to fly out... Wow, you guys really pay up!!! In my mind it should be child support and pay for HALF of travel expenses since I suppose it was the mom's choice to live 20 hours away from the dad or it is no one's fault and it just happens that the distance is both parties responsibility. Anyway, I feel you. My stepkids never go away and they spend every single holiday and weekend with us. I know it sucks.
d
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It is our year for Christmas
Last year she talked her dad into letting her stay for Christmas so she could get Santa and the wrapped presents from us. Not to mention that my family buys for her when she goes to our family get togethers. That adds up to lots more presents for her if she is here on Christmas. She had been living with us for about 7 months and was suppose to go home for Christmas, but decided to stay.
The paying for her to fly here is our problem according to the judge. I had the brilliant idea to take her back to court when she moved away the first time for more visitation. We knew it would end up adding about $100 monthly to our child support, but were willing to deal with that so that she knew her daddy wanted to see her. Our lawyer told us we would have no problem getting her to pay 1/2 travel expenses because she was the one that moved away. SHE WAS WRONG! The judge upped the CS and awarded her 14% of Bonuses and Overtime twice a year.(I thought CS was based on garrentied salary, wrong again!) Plus he refuses to make her pay for part of the travel expense. Said my husband made more money than her so it was his problem. Of course he failed to take into account the finacial records she provided included a leave of absence and materity leave. The best I can tell flying her here is the least expensive way right now. Only problem is we not only have to pay the plane ticket, but also an unaccompanied minor fee of $80. I really regret talking my husband into doing that, because it has made things so much harder on us. I really just thought it was the best thing for SD.
As far as her packing her own bag. I really don't know she tells me that she packs and then her mom repacks. I don't know if that is the truth or not they are both known to lie if it suits them. I have made it very clear about what she needs to bring and have even emailed her a list that includes every thing down to how many pair of underwear to bring. Last time she came for 7 weeks in the summer and brought 2 pairs of panties and 1 bra. She told me her others were dirty. I made sure to include in the packing list email I sent her that if they are dirty put them in a bag and I will wash them here. At least I won't have to buy new ones that way. At the very least I end up buying underwear, socks, or bras when she comes. I told her if she did not bring enough to at least be able to wash only every other day she would be stuck in dirty ones this time.
I had to buy her new luggage in October for a trip she was going on and she knows that is her main present from us this year. She will only be getting one present wrapped under the tree from us and a couple from my BD and BS that they saved there money to go to the dollar store for. Santa is going to be pretty slim this year for her to. She already knows that but I know she will act ugly about it. I don't think my hubby is too happy about it, but that is how it is going to be. Just this afternoon I told him the next time she is her on Christmas to get Santa she will be down to stocking stuffers only. If I have to I will just tell my other children that Santa left her other stuff at her moms house so she would not have to bring it home on a plane. She gets Santa from her Mom and Grandmother every year on top of regular presents and I think enough is enough.
I have suggested keeping the clothes we buy her here, but my husband won't allow it. That and her weight changes so much from visit to visit who knows if it will fit. I kept a couple of pairs of jeans that she had gained to much weight to wear hear this last time. Do you know she had the nerve to tell me she wanted to take them home for her mother! I could have strangeled her right then. I do not buy clothes so that her mother can have a new wardrobe. I have found out that most the things I buy for her her mother takes over as her own. What is up with that?
Keep the clothing!
You're not responsible for clothing her mother! That is downright BS. Stand your ground. Send her home with what she came with. If it's nothing, then that's what goes back. Is your DH aware that he's still supporting his EW by supplying her with a new wardrobe every time the SD comes to visit? They divorced, she's no longer his problem and he pays CS so the clothing BB buys for SD should be traveling with her. The nerve of some people! I'm mad for you!
Will the SD be with you every Christmas?
Oh and I forgot to add
that the clothing you "might" have to buy and you keep, take it to consignment, collect the money, and get your daughter the dance lessons she wants to attend!
I say.. no gift from the
I say.. no gift from the two of you.. you let her know the airfare was her gift from you guys.. then have what you would have normally bought her.. (had she not been there for xmas) be from Santa.
This year we are taking my skids to NC to visit their grandparents for xmas.. that was their Xmas gift from us.. We will be reminding them of this on our flight down there.. the rest was from Santa.. and that was capped at $150/child. I already KNOW this will be a problem.. and I just dont care.. I am tired of ENDLESSLY dishing out money to the skids.
As for the clothes.. I too feel your pain.. only thing is.. this BM does not have nice clothes for the kids.. All their clothes are stained or ripped.. she just doesnt care. I end up buying them an Xmas outfit and stuff on top of the gifts so they dont look like homeless children when we bring them to see my inlaws. I say take her to the salvation army tell her the $$ she is allowed to spend.. and that is it. (oh.. go before hand and see what the prices are on items.. I am thinking she could do really well in there for $50).. and I would factor the cost of those clothes into how much is spent on her gifts.
It's just crazy that people
It's just crazy that people can send away their kids at Christmas time. If I was a mom I would want my kids with me not with the SM........BTW I am a stepmom.