Dont worry about it, you can not instantly become mother hen because someone else has a kid you are now in the life of. You are seriously not alone in this at all. You are not selfish you can not force feelings onto yourself. Just try to develope some kind of a friendship with this child, let go of any ill feelings towards BM or DH (whatever the case may be) this kid just needs you to be nice to him, he doesnt need you to mother him he already has one of those.

Spend some time alone with him every now and then, let the relationship fall into place dont push it. It may not happen for years yet. But dont feel guilty there is nothing wrong with you.

scared stepmom - your feelings are very valid - when I first married DH - SS came to live full time with us 3 months after getting married - I was so upset that I did not love or even like SS - my sister said why do you think that you are going love him he is not your son and he has a mother - just let him think you like him and be there for him. So that is what I did - I also told my DH that I did not love him and that he can't expect me to love someone - that I fell in love with him and I knew SS was part of the package but that he had to give me the time and space and let me go at my own pace or he would ruin it for all of us. He did back off and although I have never grown to love him he thinks I do and that is enough for me!!

No need to feel bad at all... your feelings are very normal. Especially if you had no desire for children yourself. As everyone else has stated above, this child already has a mother so he doesn't need another one (nor will he ever treat you like one).

The best thing you can do is try to look at it as a kind of aunt/nephew relationship or if that is weird for you... a distant family member of some sort. Think of it this way... you never immediately like ANYONE you meet. You have to spend some time with them to find the things that you like about that person. The more time you spend with someone, you always find that there are things you like, and things you don't like. When you are with your ss, focus on the things you like and try to draw those things out of him. If he has a kind heart, try to do some volunteer type stuff with him for others, if he likes to draw and is good at it, sit down with him and color or have him "show" you how to draw something. Foster the parts of him that you like and can appreciate in him as an individual, rather than just looking at him as "your dh's kid". He's obviously going to be a part of your life so you can either try to make it easier on yourself and everyone else by giving it an honest effort and just letting the emotions happen naturally over time, or you can just decide to stay at distance and let whatever happens, happen.

With my sk's they were actually good kids when I first met my dh. It wasn't until after they spent 2 years with their BM 2500 miles away and then came back that they had changed and turned into horrendous pains in the butt. I had to try to foster those relationships again because whatever relationships we had before had been lost by the lack of discipline from their BM. Now that they are both adults, I will straight up admit that I do NOT LIKE them, but I DO love them. You don't take care of kids like your own, invest in them like you would your own, and not feel love for them. But the types of people they have become, oh I have HUGE issues to the point that I have now disengaged from them. But even with my own children there have been plenty of times they have done things that I didn't like, but it didn't change the fact that I love them unconditionally. And I do have that same love for my sk's even if they don't feel that way about me.

Basically, it comes down to having a long talk with yourself when you start to feel sad that he's coming and instead look at it as an opportunity to get to spend more time with him and get to know him. As the relationship goes on, hopefully you will find that you start looking forward to his visits... and it would also mean a lot to your dh to see you making an attempt. But it does have to happen at your pace. If you can only handle spending an hour with him per day, talk to your dh about it and let him know that you are trying, but it is going to take some time. Be open with him. If he has any understanding at all, he should realize that you didn't instantaneously fall in love with him, and you certainly aren't going to instantaneously fall in love with his son either.

You are at the right place! This site will become your BFF!

EVERYTHING you are going through is totally normal and almost all of us have gone, or are going through the same thing. I experienced the same thing when it came to the skids and my family holidays. It was hard enough to go to my new in-laws house as a brand new step-mom (without my own bio-kids) and fit in with that side of the family! It's still awkward sometimes, but in general I have the in-law routine down now, but with my family it's still totally different. My family is the opposite in every way to H's family and I was horrified the first few times the skids were included in my family's holiday get-togethers. Their social awkwardness and rudeness are magnified and my whole family can't stand the skids and don't know how I put up with them! My family holidays are really special to me and I felt completely invaded and intruded upon with the skids involved. I know it's not necessarily their fault, but at first I had a really hard time with the situation, but now I deal with it way better than I used to.

It's actually a relief to have my opinion validated by other people and it's funny that this was posted about because we are heading into the holidays and are spending most of them with my side of the family. Also, my best guy friend in the world (other than H) is staying with us for the holidays and this is the first time he's been around the skids and he is horrified! He is a huge kid person and watches his little nieces every day when he's back home (he lives across the country) so he's used to kids and likes them, but he is just shocked and horrified by the skids, and they are on their best behavior and a million times better than when we first got married! They were home from school today and were just awful little brats. They were rude, sulky and had little temper tantrums and I was having none of it. They both lost all privileges for the week and are unhappy campers. My BFF is soooo great with them, it's hilarious. He doesn't put up with ANYTHING from the skids and it was soooooo great to see him put the skids in their place! He is very fair and I outlined the rules for him and told the skids to be polite, respect him and obey him and it was very satisfying to see SS6 not be able to manipulate my friend the way he manipulates his dad. SS6 wound up frustrated and furious because he usually has H wrapped around his little finger and that doesn't work with my friend! Anyway, more soon as I'm sure I will need to vent some holiday steam here pretty soon. With the skids out of school and the holidays starting, I get new material to vent about every day!

Welcome to the site anyway, feel free to vent away and don't feel bad for what you're going through! We've all been there and that's why this site is going strong and so insanely popular. Hang in there!