Introduction, Part I: Becoming a Step-Father
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world. -John Mayer
Over three years ago I ended a long-term relationship with the woman I thought I was going to marry. Unfortunately happy endings don't always work out, and for a number of reasons the relationship ended after a year of living together.
My ex-girlfriend(EX) had a daughter, Mikayla, who was 15 at the time. Mikayla had never known her birth father, and the relationship between her mother and I was the longest since Mikayla's birth. As a result, she'd never had a steady father figure in her life. Having no children of my own, I accepted Mikayla as my own daughter.
In spite of my experience with teenage girls, Mikalya proved to be respectful, desired our company, and craved the structure of a two-parent household. Never knowing my ownbirth father and also growing up in a single-parent family, there was a great desire on my part to be a sound parent and provider for Mikalya and my EX. Perhaps I was trying to make up for the mistakes of two dead-beat fathers, but I took on the task of being a father with gusto. More importantly, Mikalya embraced me as her own, calling me "Dad" in the house and in public to her friends.
Learning to be a father proved to be bigger project than any deal I ever closed or negotiation I'd ever entered. Perhaps I had a reprieve by starting with Mikayla at 15...but that's up for discussion! I learned to help with homework, give rides to school and to church youth group, to argue about the skirts that seemed too short for any 15 year old to wear, and many of the other things that are involved with the life of a teenage daughter. Perhaps I was lucky that I never got the dreaded: "You can't tell me what to do!" or "You're not my real dad!" Joseph Addison wrote: "There is nothing more angelic than the affection between a father and a daughter." While my colleagues thought I was crazy for my "ready made family," I reveled in the love that a family shares...while it lasted.
They say that breaking up with someone who has a child is twice as hard because we can develop loving relationships with the children as well. Breaking up with my EX was tough for everyone, and I felt horrible for never taking the opportunity to truly discuss it with Mikayla.
After the break-up, I struggled with the idea of keeping contact with her(my?) daughter. That bond still existed, I could feel the pain in my heart from that break, but I am also realistic: maintainting contact with a teenage girl I considered inappropriate, not to mention an opportunity for further shouting with my EX. Thinking caution to be the better part of valor, I said nothing and learned to move on.
By some stroke of providence, I received an email notification last year that Mikalya turned 18. That automatic notification got me thinking about the opportunity I had to be a father. In a way I felt like my own father who'd abandoned my mom and I. There were obvious feelings of guilt, remorse, and the thoughts that I may have injured two lives by ending the relationship. So, after much thought and prayer, I decided to send an email:
Thank you so much, Kayla, for letting me be a part of your life. I want you to know how wonderful, amazing, and fulfilling it was to try and be a father figure in your life, knowing full well I failed miserably. The opportunity to be part of your life was a gift greater than anything money could buy. Without hesitating you called me "Dad," something that made me smile everyday...even if I didn't show it.
I am so sorry that I couldn't live up to that title.
I've respected your mother's space and her decisions. I will also respect whatever decision you make about this email. If you never want to hear from me again, I understand. If you want to share this with your mother, that's up to you. If you want to try and know me again, I leave it in your hands. You've earned the right to your feelings, and I will accept whatever you choose.
Please know that I wish only the best for you and your mother, and that I am proud of the woman you have become. I pray that God grant you strength and wisdom the rest of your life.
I am a better man for having known you Mikayla, and I am eternally grateful for the chance to have called you my daughter...if only for a little while.
Day after day, week after week, I checked my Inbox and found no reply to the email. There was pain I couldn't truly understand - pain of losing something important. I talked with fathers to help me understand and deal with the loss. Eventually I was back to my old self, delving into my work and staying too busy to worry about relationships or a family.
Last February, over a year later, I finally received her email response.
Any and all names used are pseudonyms.
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Comments
ok so i just have to know if
:? ok so i just have to know if you dont mind my asking; what was the response? good i hope!!!
My eyes filled with tears
My eyes filled with tears reading this story. I have to echo SBS's and Midgette's questions: What led to the breakup between you and your Ex? What was the response to that email?
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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."
I'd love to know too! I
I'd love to know too! I think you're wonderful for taking that step and emailing her
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Break-ups are often
Break-ups are often complicated and the result of numerous issues that have built up from the past. While I could list a number of reasons for leaving, I would be wrong to not take my share of the blame.
Some of the main reasons for the break-up:
1. The EX suffered from depression and was bi-polar, something I didn't know going in. While I thought this was something I could handle and that I could be a positive influence on, the constant roller-coaster of living with someone bi-polar was too much to handle.
2. Like many relationships, money was a huge issue. I couldn't make it fast enough for her to spend it. I try to be responsible with my debts and bills; I caught her writing bad checks because she was spending money on other things. After the break-up I tried to help her an her daughter monatarily, but found out from Mikayla that my EX spent $400 on a toy poodle and hadn't paid the electric bill.
3. I am a workaholic; I always have been and probably always will be. When we were living together, I was working 11 hour days in sales. Whenever she got mad and accused me of cheating, I told her that one woman took all of my time and money...I couldn't afford a second.
4. Looking back, I think the relationship was about two people trying to fulfill their needs. I was looking for someone to provide for, to take care of, and have someone who cared about me; she was looking for someone to provide security for her and her daughter, someone she could take care of, and perhaps someone that could bring her out of her depression. And not to sound crass, but the physical aspect of the relationship was pretty amazing.
Was there love? I'm sure there was. But looking back, my resentments and suppressed anger of my EX block it out. Kayla is the one thing I am proud to have in my life because of that relationship, even as I'm still redefining my role as a parental figure.
As for her response, well that will have to wait until the next blog post.
Peace and blessings.