New girl Help please
Hello everybody I been reading you for long time and finally decided to join.
English is not my firs language so excuse me for bad spelling and grammar.
My SO just vent to his parents house where he used to live with BM and children before divorce. He has the children for one week during winter break and he is going to spend it in that house with them.
The reason for them going there is that our flat is very very small and there is no room for 3 SC to sleep. And he gave his apartment to BM to live there with SC after divorce.
So, he has to go to the house they all used to live and it is breaking my heart. When I think of him being there where he used to live with all of them it makes me sick. I cant stop crying.
I know people would say You knew what you were getting into. But it hurts so much. His past is not past for real. It is always present in some way.
Can you help me cope with all of this.
I don't want to cry anymore.
- Sad Girl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Don't think of it as where
Don't think of it as where they used to live together. Just think of it as being his parent's house :) I know that sounds WAY easier said than done, BUT, I get it. We lived with his parents for a while, and they had been there... It was HARD.
BM won't be there. Right?
The past is never going to be fully in the past when they have kids. Which sucks, but that's something that will get easierr with time. It's more raw and touch at the beginning.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. It means so much when someone understands you.
BM shouldn't be there. BUT. His parents are allowing her to come whenever she wants. So she may decide to come while he is there.
He told me that if she comes he will come home to me immediatley. But I doubt it. I have trust issues wit him because he played by her rules for a long time. All "For the kids sake" of course. And I am not sure he wont do it again.
I am sick of feeling bad. As if I am living someone elses life.
I understand all that too.
I understand all that too. And a lot of it comes down to how much you can take, and what you will or will not put up with. Trust is HUGE in a relationship. Once that's broken it's really hard to get back, and sometimes it doesn't come back. I'm facing that.
At the beginnning H would take literally EVERY phone call from Psycho. Even for her to vent all her personal stuff, I always got the "well she's burned all her other bridges." It took me raising some he!! for him to knock it off. And he did a lot of stuff "for the sake of the kids." Which sucks.
If you want to continue handling it, maybe it's time to look for a larger flat? I know they're expensive and he's probably paying Child Support. But it may bring you some peace of mind if you can find a reasonable one
I am glad you understand me,
I am glad you understand me, and I am also sad because you and so many other women went through the same pain.
He bought a house for us but it needs a lot of investment before we can live in it. It is an old house with no heating and other stuff. So it will take a lot of time and money before it becomes our dream house.
He lost my trust long time ago and it is hard to trust him again.
How do you cope with all of this? Are you satisfied and happy about the way your life is?
Coping was hard, we worked to
Coping was hard, we worked to a point where I was trusting him not to message Psycho period unless for the kids and do less things with them "for the kids." But no, between that and the other s***, I'm not happy. I'm currently looking at things splitting up. I don't know that that necessarily HAS to be your outcome though. My biggest dealbreaker has been the cheating and emotional abuse. You don't seem to have that, so if you two can work on trust and he can stop talking to his ex besides when necessary because of the kids, that really lessens the blows of the past life.
I am so sorry you went
I am so sorry you went through that. It is hard enough to handle situation without cheating and abuse involved.
Sending hugs and strength to you
Don't worry about that! I
Don't worry about that!
I just know it's hard. Do you feel happy currently? Or feel you can get the trust back?
Sometimes I am happy and
Sometimes I am happy and other times I am very sad and think I can't handle all of this anymore. Today I feel sad.
We are working on trust issues but it is hard. He is the type of man who avoids talking about problems. So it is all up to me to bring out tough topics in order for our relationship to work.
He is conflict avoidant so I think you can understanf how he operates. He would rather lie then tell the truth just to avoid confrontation and possible fight.
It's okay to feel sad. In
It's okay to feel sad. In fact it's healthy to recognize your own emotions :) So that's good!
If you can't handle it, then that's okay. It's okay to walk away from a bad situation (I've had to tell myself this a LOT too!) If he can't discuss the problems, they won't be solved, in fact, they're more likely to just build up more and more.
Lying is an issue. Fighting, while it can suck, means both parties still care. If he's not fighting, he's not really involved. The hard topics have to be discussed and compromised on in order to gain any form of trust back.
Actually we just had a big
Actually we just had a big fight. He didn' text me the whole day since he left to be with kids. He knew how i felt and still didn't text or call.
He is a different person when he is around kids. Like I don't exist.
Some time ago we went together to his parents house to be with kids. The odlest one was angry because I was there. So he sat with her in another room while I was sitting with his parents and other family members for an hour. Like I came there alone. I felt disrespected and lonely.
Thats when i told myself I won't go with them anymore.
silent treatments are an
silent treatments are an extremely juvenile way to handle a situation... I'm sorry he did that to you
He shouldn't be acting that way. Ever. His job as the parent is to remind the kids that you two are the adults, not to encourage the kid's pouting.
I don't blame you. I wouldn't either.
A relationship without trust
A relationship without trust isn't worth much, and it's even worse in a step situation. Why are you willing to settle for a man you don't trust? Is accompanying him to his parents' house an option?
I used to trust him. Then I
I used to trust him. Then I started noticing things that didn' add up. It all was "small" lies but they led to me not trusting him anymore.
Hoe can I knoe he won't do that kind of things anymore? I can't. I just can hope he realised his mistakes and is willing to set things straight.
I could go there, I wrote about it in one of my replies. I am the one who decided not to go. Brcause I have fertility problems and it hurts looking at him with his kids.
Stupid I know but thats the way I feel.
Sorry it is making you sad.
Sorry it is making you sad. TRUST me when I say this though, it's SO much better for him to have his visitation there then at your place and have your stepkids around...sure, things may be ok now, but poll the board, I'd venture to say 95 plus percent of us would rather it be that way ha! Count it as a blessing. Think of it as his parents house. Hopefully he keeps strong boundaries with BM though.
Hahahha you just made me
Hahahha you just made me laugh. I guess it is true. Better for me if they are not at our place.
He asked me to be there with them. I said no. So it is partly my fault. But it is very hard for me to be there and look at the way he behaves around kids.
It hurts me because I have no children on my own. We are trying for a yerar and I can't get pregnant.
It breaks my heart seing him patronise his children. I am jealous and sad.
So it is also my fault he is there without me. But it hurts anyway.
"But it is very hard for me
"But it is very hard for me to be there and look at the way he behaves around kids."
Then absolutely let him keep having visitation there...you find things to do with friends, or travel or simply have your alone time, clean house, organize...anything. I would have killed for that arrangement!
You guys are great *yes3*
You guys are great *yes3*
I plan to have a week for myself. Relax, spend time with my friends and family.
Damn I wish my husband would
Damn I wish my husband would have SD somewhere else so I wouldn't have to deal with her lmao
Hahahaa good point. I am a
Hahahaa good point. I am a lucky girl actually