He is making me crazy

I cant'f believe it, ex has decided to take skids to summer vacation without our DD. Our girl is too young (20 months) to go without me.

He says I am to blame because I didn't want to go with them, so she isn't going because of me. And we are not together for more than a year!

I am so angry and sad he is putting them before her again.

In my opinion, if one of your children can't go with you, neither will go.

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Hmm.....

I understand your concern thst he might be showing favoritism towards the SKs, but if DD is only 20 months old, she is too young to understand or care. Personally, I'd rather stay calmly at home with her than go on "vacation" with pesky SKs.

It seems the bigger issue is between you and DH and he's using this occasion to score a point.

Thank you for trying to calm

Thank you for trying to calm me down

Yes she is too young now. But his favoritism is showing ever since she was born. And I am sure it is going to continue when she is older too. Then it will hurt her.

There is always some excuse why poor skids must do or have something.

I get that you feel hurt, but

I get that you feel hurt, but realistically, no...it's not logical to expect nobody to go on vacation because a younger child can't go. This sometimes even happens in intact homes, rare, but not that unusual It depends what the destination is, what the activities are.

Is there a reason she's too young to go without you? Is there a decree that spells out what his visitation is? At that age it should be ok for her to go a couple of days, especially if the court order allows him that time.

If it's you restricing whether she can go with him or not for that period of time w/out you, it's completely unrealistic on your end for you to expect him to put the skids and his lives on hold until she is old enough to participate. He's not wrong honestly.

It's the same thing we stepmoms complain of ALL the time (and we would be right). If there is a vacation coming up w/your spouse and your together kids, and the steps can't attend because (xyz)- your lives don't stop because the skids aren't there, you continue on. There is no reason your family can't have a vacation simply because the steps can't be there.

I am not restricting him, she

I am not restricting him, she is too young to go without her me. In my country, no court order will say that a child that young should spend a night without its mother.

I understand why you think I am wrong. But I think I am right.

He always blamed me for skids not having a relationship with DD. And now when he has 2 weeks off work, he is taking them without her.

And again I will be guilty for them not spending time together

Then this might be a cultural

Then this might be a cultural thing. There are plenty of Dads that take good care of children this young.

You really think going on the vacation with your ex is the solution? You'll still find that he leaves the youngest to you while he entertains the older two.

Stay home with your daughter. She doesn't know and doesn't care. If there are future issues, deal with them in the future. This is not worth the battle, and you won't win anyway.

No, I don't even consider

No, I don't even consider going with him. Maybe I am crazy but not that crazy

He is taking good care of her. But she was only 4 months old when we left so she didn't use to him putting her to bed.

Now she is spending a few hours a week with him, so she is not ready yet to spend the night with him.

"And now when he has 2 weeks

"And now when he has 2 weeks off work, he is taking them without her."

That's not really fair to say that because you are not allowing him to spend much time with her. Have you considered that by treating him as a second-rate father that you are driving a wedge between him and his child in a way that can be difficult to overcome later?

FWIW, when my daughters were about that age, my father had a serious health scare and I flew to the other end of the continent for a week to help my mother cope and because I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again. My daughters survived perfectly well with DH (and so did he!) without their mother. Are you sure you aren't raising barriers to spite your ex?

Are you breastfeeding her, by any chance? Is she with you 24/7 or does she spend time with other children/at daycare?

I think it's perfectly

I think it's perfectly acceptable for a single parent to not bring a toddler on vacation with older kids. It's not appropriate to also bring the ex just because the child is not old enough to go on vacation with the older kids.

As a mother of 3, there were times I took my older two kids on a trip that my youngest did not go along. Sometimes I only took one.

Exactly-this is a a classic

Exactly-this is a a classic case of, step-parents aren't always right on this board- and in this case the OP is displaying BM behavior honestly.

I have to disagree, but we

I have to disagree, but we are all here to share our opinions so thanks

My OSD and her DH have taken

My OSD and her DH have taken vacations without their youngest.. he stayed with grammy. In a situation where there is an EX involved.. there is ZERO chance I would allow my DH's ex on our vacation.. NONE. If that was even asked by OP.. that is Waaaayyyy out of line.

My personal thoughts are that her EX should be able to take his 2 yo without her if HE wants and things HE is able to. If OP isn't allowing him to have independant visitation with his child. I think that's the start of Pas'ing and unless he is a dangerous person.. he should have access to his child that she isn't controlling.

It's GUBM behavior to have this POV.. and I get that it can be scary to watch your kid without training wheels. but he is your child's father.. and it's his right to parent his own child.

Now.. if he is choosing to not take her because the venue and schedule won't accomodate a 2 yo? That's fine also.. as long as he spends equitable time and energy doing things that are age appropriate? that's all that is important.

Accusing me of PASing my DD

Accusing me of PASing my DD is very rude of you.

If you want to let your child spend days with a person it doesn' t know well, you do it.

And yes of course it is my fault he doesn't have close relationship with DD

Hun

I get your hurt, I really do.

Its not so much that he didnt take DD on vacation, its more like he has two weeks off and it doesnt include your DD. Yes she is too young, you know that. On the other hand you know in your gut that this sets precedent to come. Your DD will be treated less than the first holier than thou kids.

So the vacation without her is understandable, but you would think maybe he wouldve set some of his vacation aside for your DD. The older DD gets she will notice it. She is too young now, thankfully. Anyway you slice it you know how things will be, thats probably is why its your EX.

Sadgirl be happy you are done with your ex .

We constantly say on here..

We constantly say on here.. that the stepparent's home and plans can't be hostage to the skid or to their BM.

Obviously, it's a problem that her EX is not more involved in his child's life.. and he should have been having meaningful visitation with his child for quite some time. Even if it meant his EX pumped breastmilk if that was what the baby was fed. Her EX should have been changing diapers.. getting up to feed her.. all on his own time.. he should have been given that opportunity.. or should have taken the opportunity if it was there.

I mean.. how is dad going to become any less of a stranger unless he has more time with the child.. it's a circular problem otherwise... the child will always be afraid because he never has time to make the child less afraid.. but the child will always have some adjustment period.. and it would have been more ideal if it wasn't at this 2 year old mark.. but earlier.. but better late than never.

I'm not saying THIS vacation will work because no groundwork has been done.. but the visitation situation HAS to change so that the child can develop a healthy relationship with BOTH parents.

I agree

I am stuck on the fact that bio dad has two weeks off and uses it in entirety for his first kids.

Op should indeed let daddio spend more time with their baby. You would think he wouldve gotten some more one on one while he has vacation time and not working.

OP if your ex said Im taking my kids on vacation then when Im back and have a few more days off I would like to spend more hours with DD. Would have you been open to that? REALITY he didnt ask that or try. That isnt the OP's fault.

I get he left when DD was 4 months, thats young. I can see your nervousness, but as DD gets older your ex should have more time. You need a legal custody schedule. It will make life easier for all of you.

Blessings

Because I am a BM now

I don't think he and the

I don't think he and the older skids should have to skip vacation because the youngest isn't old enough to go. Lots of families take one or more kids without the other(s). I grew up in an intact family and my dad took my sisters and me on individual vacations - it was our special time.

I'm not sure where they're going that your DD is too young to go. My DH took his kids to Disney World for a week without his ex when the youngest was about that age. He would never go on vacation with his ex, even though they have an amicable co-parenting relationship, and she's even less likely to go with him. But Disney is a great place for little ones, and I'm assuming where your ex is going isn't.

The larger issue of him showing favoritism should be addressed, although ultimately there's nothing you can do about it.

I don't think this is a big

I don't think this is a big deal either. If this is a pattern of behaviour and simply the icing on the cake, then I get it but the trip would not be my hill to die on. Why don't you do a mommy and daughter date with another mommy and daughter? Rent a hotel room, get manis and pedis. Treat yourself too. May take the sting out of it and give you some peace. Then you can chat with your DH calmly when he returns if this is a pattern.

I will take her to vacation

I will take her to vacation of course. But she is my only child and it is natural that I take only her

Honestly.. your child is not

Honestly.. your child is not too young to go without you. I mean.. doesn't she go with him for visitation? If it's you not wanting her to go.. because "you" don't think he can care for her? That's your choice and his new partner and kids don't have to stop existing in their world because you are worried that he can't care for your child properly.. this is something that should be well figured out by now.

He can change diapers.. feed her.. adjust schedule to take care of her on vacation.. what you can't do is expect him to stop living if you won't let her go.. and you can't expect them to take YOU with them.

First, I don't want ti go

First, I don't want ti go with them. If I wanted to spend a minute with them I wouldn't leave SO in the first place.

Second, a 20 mo child is too young to go days without its mother. Anyone who knows kids needs will say that. Mother is a primary attachment figure and it is not good for a child that young to be without her for days

Actually that's not true..

Actually that's not true.. and lots of families have split with young kids and the kids spend days/weeks at each parent's home. The fact that you feel this way.. has caused this problem. Her father should also be a "primary attachment figure" as her father.. he should have been allowed to be... but at this point.. you may have controled it so he couldn't be.. so again.. this is a "you" issue.

I would start as soon as he is back from vacation.. giving him the opportunity to care for his child in a primary way.. it's the only way he will ever be more than a visitor in her life.. which is extremely sad if you allow that.

Because babies become toddlers.. become shy young children.. become resistant kids.. etc.. you are starting on a path where you may like that your child is dependent on you.. but it's not healthy.

Yes they become older. And my

Yes they become older. And my intention is for her to have a relationship with her father. But putting her through traumatic experience is not an option.

When she gets to know him well, sure she ll go to sleep at his place

I am not trying to PAS my DD and it seems you are suggesting it

What traumatic experience?

I'm confused.

You have a lot of articles

You have a lot of articles about attachment so you can read it.

If a father wasnt there for his child and now he is there but only for a coulpe of hours a week do yo think the child is feeling safe with him? And wouldn't ask for its mother?

well.. since he is her father

well.. since he is her father.. and a father is equally capable of parenting..I think we are all trying to figure out how we would be traumatized by spending time with one parent vs another.

And.. so a kid cries? so he has to comfort her and parent her and love her and she learns that he is just as safe as you?

If the vacation is too long right now.. why not trying some visits in advance and letting how those go decide whether it will work or not? surely there is time prior to this vacation to practice?

Why has your EX not had alone

Why has your EX not had alone time with his child? He should be well capable of caring for her for several days by the time she is 2.. if not sooner.

Maybe it is HIM who has not wanted visitation? If that's the case and you have been offering him time that he doesn't take.. fine.. then it's unrealistic for someone who has shown zero interest in their child to take them on a week long vacation when they have never agreed to spend a weekend alone with them.

BUT.. absolutely... he should have had regular OVERNIGHT visitation with his child.. and ideally.. he should have had 50/50 visitation making him just as primary a parent as you are... if the reason he didn't have more visitation is that YOU were reluctant to traumatize your baby by making them spend time with their father.. then yeah.. that's an OP problem.. if it is that your EX has not tried to be involved and hasn't asked for these kinds of visits?? and is just all of a sudden asking for a vacation time with the child? then I think he needs to start smaller and try taking the child regularly for a few days at a time and see how that works before a full blown vacation.

but again.. is it that he hasn't had the time to become more primary because you are reluctant to allow it? or is it HIM not wanting to take time?

I told everyone here. He is

I told everyone here. He is the one that had been coming in and out of her life.

And now I am to blame

Thanks

This 'father' discarded DD

This 'father' discarded DD many times before and that is why she doesn't know him well.

And you are all here to judge me

Great

and you are doing nothing to

and you are doing nothing to explain how you got to this point.

A guy who has "discarded" his child on many occasions doesn't generally all of a sudden want to take them on a 2 week vacation.. but some backstory would probably make more sense of this.

Remember this isn't a site for bio parents.. it's for Step parents.. (some are also bio parents).. but you are definitely going to get a bias. AND many stepparents on here have dealt with the aftermath when a bio mother has refused to allow their children to have a relationship with their ex.. the pain.. the drama.. the messed up skids.. so it's not a stretch for people to think you were putting up barriers to him seeing his child..

but explain yourself better if we have jumped to a wrong conclusion.

Great indeed.

You are accusing me of PAsing

You are accusing me of PAsing my child and you don't know any backstory.

It is amazing how you all think I am the bad guy and almost no one questioned SOs role in all of this.

Maybe because I am a BM now and not a step anymore. So you judge because of that

I will have to say it again.

I will have to say it again. This is a site for step-parents to vent. You will get responses that are biased like that. You have many, many women on here who are married to men that WANTED to be in their children's lives and the bio mother was able to control and exclude them.. This obviously has had negative impacts on the stepparent's home. Yes.. with no backstory from you.. it sounds like you are being a "GUBM" that can't give her ex any control with his own child.

and again.... if there is a different backstory here? let us hear it?

The fact that he left YOU.. even if he had an infant with you.. doesn't make him any less capable or give him fewer rights to have visitation with his child. You should have encouraged that. If he refused and is now coming back wanting weeks at a time? yeah.. that doesn't make a lot of sense.

but please explain why he hasn't had more time with his child? it would be helpful.

I left him. Wrote about it

I left him. Wrote about it before.

One of the main reasons is his poop treatment of our DD when skid were around.

He has a 2 week off work and he decided to spend it with them instead doing something that DD can be included

If Im PAS ing for wanting my child to have a father then okay

I judge based off what you

I judge based off what you said, which is your ex only gets a few hours a week with your DD, he was very involved for the first four months until you moved out (looking at your old blogs), and you won't let him have overnight visits based off what you know about attachment.

Is your ex refusing to spend more time with DD? Is he saying he'll only see her if you two get back together? You said your country won't grant him overnights with custody, so the government is also stopping him - basically he doesn't have legal recourse to have more time unless you grant it.

So, are you preventing him from more time? Or is he not even asking to see her more? Is the time you're offering when he is available and not working? Are you letting him take DD to his place or only letting him see her at your place?

When you paint the picture that your ex ONLY gets a few hours because you and the government say so - whether based on psychology and science or not - then you can't be mad that he won't take her away for two weeks. If he COULD spend more time with her and you'd allow it but he doesn't want to do that, it's different. But that's not the way you've depicted him. In fact, you've depicted him, at least with his previous kids, as being someone who wants to see his kids MORE frequently. If you're only allowing him to see DD when you're present, then him not coming around may be because he doesn't want to see you.

He TAKES her for a few hours.

He TAKES her for a few hours. Why do you think that is because of me? Didn't it cross your mind he doesn't want more time? Or is it always BMs fault

Is it NOT because of you?

Is it NOT because of you? Could he HAVE an overnight if he wanted? Would you allow that or not? Could he take her for a weekend? Can he take her away from your house?

Yes, that ALL matters. As I said in a comment above, if HE is choosing to stay away, that's HIS problem. But if he had to jump through your hoops to see his daughter, that's a YOU problem.

and..hoops can include her

and..hoops can include her insisting on being there when he sees the child.. if that happens.

We don't know that.

and.. if she is in a more culturally traditional country.. it may be more normal and natural for the woman to be a primary caregiver and the man to be more "head of house/financial leader" in divorce.. in those countries? I'm not sure how they reconcile the ability of men to have an active role in raising their children in cases of divorce if child care is almost wholly considered "women's" work.

But clearly the more progressive idea that a man is a competent caregiver for children.. and should be not only given the opportunity.. but also "required" to take a turn at raising their bio children.

I think the correct response to her EX in this situation is.

2 weeks is too long and I am not able to come on vacation to care for the child. lets set up a schedule so you can see your child on a regular basis so that next time you can take them too?

Then please explain more of

Then please explain more of the backstory. Has he had the opportunity for more visitation and refused it? Has he not wanted to see her, or see her consistently? What do you mean when you say he's "discarded" her?

All we really know is that you're upset that he's taking his other kids on a vacation without your daughter. But you wouldn't allow her to go on said vacation anyway because you don't want her away from you for that long.

So basically you are jealous

So basically you are jealous that he is going on vacation with his other children? Is that the your main point?

Yes you got me

Most of you are blinded by

Most of you are blinded by hate towards BMs and your attacking me is showing that.

You accused me of not leting DD spend time with her father and that is not true.

Her father decided to go knowing he won't take her.

You are quick to judge and that is very rude.

Have a nice day you all

Sad Girl

I just read your old blog "He loves the stepchildren more than our daughter"

NOTHING has changed with that except the best part he is your ex.

I firmly believe to this day he still has guilt with his precious first kids, and there is nothing that you can do about that.

Thats probably why he only takes your DD for a few hours and doesnt ask for more. Dang he wouldnt hold your DD as an infant infront of the skids. What a total prick and loser daddio.

Id be so worried for your DD self esteem as she gets older and notices it.

Some people do not deserve the privilege to be a parent. Your ex DH is more than ok to have your DD a few hours at a time. TOTAL LOSER>

ETA: I am NOT suggesting that OP should keep DD from the loser. I am just noting that according to OP from day one daddio showed little love to DD around the skids. So him planning a vacation with just the skids is his guilt, cause gawd forbid their DD be a part of him and the skids family. Frankly if I had kids I would be as concerned as OP about the favortism.

It's hard to say what was

It's hard to say what was driving things with him.. was he active with his child when the skids weren't there.. did he maybe think that when he had his other kids.. since they were not there full time.. he would put more focus on them during that time?.. and of course OP was still a parent able to be with the baby.. so the baby was not being neglected..?

His kids weren't there full time.. so maybe he figured that was fair.. the baby had him 1/2 the time.. his other kids shared the other time?

maybe he felt he "could do no right" with the baby? we don't know if OP or others were critical of him and how he did things.. which can also make a huge step back.

And maybe he was similarly hands off with his other kids when they were in the infant/toddler stage.. it sounds like they are in a traditional country where childcare seems to be more the woman's job? hence the man not being given overnight visits (though.. obviously his OLDER kids have it.. soooooo).

At what point does she "insist" he have more of a relationship? it seems he does have interest in the child.. the invitation to the vacation and all.. when will she hand over the child to let him try to be a father.. when does she insist he do the "small" work.. and not just the "vacation" work?

Esmod

We can think of a billion different scenarios pitching this one way or another.

We really dont know. As they say there are always three sides to a story.

Chances are pops had guilt and found it hard to show affection to the newborn, as the skids are already pissed off. His guilt sky high. OP has resentment (most of us do in this situation) and notices the inequality. Daddio leaves at four months, and whatever country this is, traditionally pops aint hands on until what age? 5, 10, 25? This ticks OP off and when he leaves she rightfully fears he has little experience and no desire to nurture their baby...hence the situation. My guessing here.

Facts (according to OP) he took two weeks vacation to take the skids. His condition for their DD to come was OP also had to come. What woman in her right mind would vacation with an ex ?! An ex who punishes her when angry by not seeing their child? Sounds volatile. Not to mention the skids probaly have no desire to be around OP and their half sibling. That is not good bonding time. OP would end up caring for the toddler while pops is the king of the world catering to the skids. This is just my guesstimate.

Maybe the OP should give more time to daddio. My question though does he even want it? What kind of parent goes for months without asking about or seeing their child? Some may argue OP wont let him. Ill go by what OP said on this one. He shows little interest or desire.

We are all guessing and projecting. But it is fun

I just think OP needs gentle support. Thats why she is on here.

Some will agree and sympathize with her , others call her a PAS BM. The latter isnt helpful when worded to make the OP defensive.

OP's post is venting about the vacation with skids and not taking DD. The problem is the conditions placed on OP to have DD go on vacation was unreasonable. On the other hand OP wouldnt want her to go anyways.....now we are back to square one. LOL Steplife and divorce is the Bermuda Triangle.

I get it to an extent.. her

I get it to an extent.. her situation isn't optimal... but to be angry he is going on vacation with his other kids and not taking the 2 yo.. when.. he "can't take the 2 yo".. isn't fair. He maybe could balance things more.. but it sounds difficult to manage.. so he is going on vacation.. and taking the kids that can go with him. .. it wasn't really his choice to exclude the younger child.. but the situation is what it is I guess.. maybe as the child is older there can be more relationship.

I don't know all the

I don't know all the backstory, but as someone with a 20 month old, they are a lot of work on vacation and it is challenging to manage activities (and nap time and eating time) for a toddler while also catering to older kids. I don't think one adult could handle it alone. DH and I usually do things just with DD and then he'll do other things with SKids. He often wants to take her when he does things with skids, but I usually veto it, mostly because her needs get totally bulldozed by her demanding teen brothers (who always complain when DH does anything to accommodate a toddler, thanks to BM and MIL who tell them, "your father needs to remember that he has three children!"). Then she's overtired and starving by the time they return and I'm stuck with a cranky toddler. I know it's different because DH and I are still married and it would be nice for your DH to focus on spending time with your DD, but if he's only taking one vacation and he's going alone, I could see where he wouldn't take your DD. I don't think he should blame you for her missing out, but I can't blame him for not taking her.

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