Feeling like the bad guy
Every Saturday my SS has a soccer game, and my husband makes a point to attend all of them. However this Saturday I have a memorial service to attend and I would like my husband to be there. My SS lives with his BM primary and comes to see us every other weekend, this weekend he is with her. When I expressed my feeling to my husband he said he feels like I'm making him choose between his son and me. I hate feeling like some how I'm the bad guy because I need my husband. I feel like my husband and his ex-wife are the one that broke their family up. I support my husband being involved with his kid’s life as much as possible but I want/need my husband around for me and our children too. I wish that we only did stuff with my step-children when it's our visitation, and what makes me really mad is I feel like my live is controlled my step kids BM. She arranges what activities the kids are going to be in with no consideration to our family schedule. I don’t know how to talk to my husband about this, and it's realy starting to get to me. I'm sick and tired of planning my life around his kids, and I feel bad about saying that.
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First and foremost you must
First and foremost you must talk to him about it. If you don't he'll truly never know your concerns. Finding out how is simple....stay calm, be kind in the delivery and most of all be honest about your feelings, then he needs to respond and the balls in his court.
Marriage first! The skids
Marriage first! The skids are going to grow up and move out and move on with THEIR lives...one day it will be just you and him. He needs to strengthen that bond with you NOW. The skids are not going to be traumitized because Dad misses on freakin game.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I totally agree!!!! Very
I totally agree!!!! Very well said.
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
Totally agree with FFG. Too
Totally agree with FFG. Too many kids already think they are the center of the universe, and it is such a disservice to them. One of the best lessons I learned I could teach all my kids was how important a Marriage is---how it effects everything else:kids, work, money, etc... I would seriously sit down with DH and discuss these issues with him and express how important it is for the world not to revolve around children. It is great to support kids when not in your care, that is wonderful, but it does not have to be every single time.
I'm angry with your husband
I'm angry with your husband on your behalf - IT'S A MEMORIAL SERVICE!!! Presumably of someone you cared for or even loved - remind him of the wedding vows he made to you, cos IMO supporting your spouse when someone dies is 'for better, for worse'
Perhaps ask him that does this mean that you will never be able to have him with you on a Saturday - what would constitute important enough for him to miss one soccer game?
I actually used that VERY
I actually used that VERY argument! Marriage first!! I told my DH that if he didn't put our marriage first he was going to die alone because his kids were going to move on with their lives, get their partners and forget all about him. And THEN what was he gonna do? Start dating at 60?
Ever since then, our marriage has taken a change for the better. He is not afraid to put the kids in their place.
Honey, you should NOT feel
Honey, you should NOT feel like the bad guy! Your DH should be there to support you during this time. I can understand that you probably look ahead and feel so alone in your relationship, that the one person that is supposed to catch you when you fall, has stepped to the side as to not get fallen on. I have felt like that a time or two before. Have you explained to him the way you feel like you wrote it out here? Maybe he could suggest to his son that he's sorry he has to miss his game, and that he'll take him out for icecream or something special another day? I'm sure that when his SS understands *why* his dad's attention is needed elsewhere, that he won't think twice about it. DH is guilt parenting, and feels that SS is going to blame him and be upset with him that he chose you over him. Which is by no means what's going on, but that is exactly how your DH thinks SS will feel.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
RKES, we have the same life.
RKES, we have the same life. BM arranges the most complex crazy schedules for the kids then DH wants to go to every event possible. He even goes to EVERY practice...yes practice. I think it's obsessive but he really enjoys it. Some Saturdays he's gone from 8am -9pm. No kidding.
Now for the differences between us, if I had a memorial or just wanted to make plans in general, he would gladly. He appreciates me supporting their sports (noticed I said their) so if I'm sick, he stays home. If I need alone time with him, we make plans. Your DH needs to understand that you are a priority. You aren't asking him to chose, you are asking for support when you need it and he should gladly give it.
You should be consulted and set the schedule for your family, not the other way around!!! He should spend equal time with all the children not just the first ones.
Fight for youself, hon!!!
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
Ok I would be so pissed. He
Ok I would be so pissed. He goes to the game EVERY Saturday--he can't miss one for a ONE time event? That is BS, as far as choosing between the two--he is not! You didn't say come with me or else, you said you would like him to be by your side at this event--as your SO he has obligations to you too!