Disgusted with boyfriends daughter's behavior!
I am not a step-mom but the girlfriend of a man with two adult kids in which the daughter seems to run the show. She has had a problem with me from the start. about a year and a half ago her dad invited me to move in after knowing me for a year. Well she decided to move back in with her dad right before I did. to give you all of the details My boyfriend's wife had passed a couple of years ago. I understand that it must have been hard on the adult children, but in my opinion the death of the mother can only be used for an excuse for acting out behavior for so long. Fast forwarding the daughter has displayed a power trip over her dad and literally has gotten upset when we have gone to dinner or any event that she thinks should have been her place. Her father has a business in which he has given her a big spot in. She not only thinks that she is in charge of everything to do with that, she calls him and text him throughout the day and is constantly whining or asking him to do things for her. She has stated that she doesn't like me and talks about me to all of her dads associates to sabotage my character. I haven't done anything to her but now it's getting to the point to where I feel she is obsessed with every move her dad makes. She always wants to know what he is doing and displays possessive behavior when we are together. She always talks about herself and drowns out everyone else to be the center. Lately I have been more agitated over the fact that she text him constantly when she knows we are doing something together. There is more, but I need some kind of advice on how to deal with this. To add to this my boyfriend babies her and says he doesn't want to get in the middle. He runs to her beck and call...sometimes says no and she gets upset.
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ask her, point blank "Why are
ask her, point blank "Why are you trying so hard to get your dad to treat you like his girlfriend? Why are you so jealous that we're on a date that you're trying to take over with your texts? You DO realize that daughters shouldn't expect their dad's to act like their boyfriends, right? Do you send a bunch of texts to your friends' boyfriends when they're on dates?"
One time she asked to meet
One time she asked to meet me..she wanted discuss spending more time with her dad :sick: She said that their relationship was not the same since I came along. I knew what she meant and what she told me was that SHE wanted him to take her to do special things like he does with me. My bf was putting his foot down at the time. She has just gotten more manipulative and cunning about how she approaches him now. If I was to tell her those things that you said, she would definitely make it look like I was being petty. Believe me I want to.
I'm admittedly jaded AF right
I'm admittedly jaded AF right now about men in general, so feel free to take this with an extremely large grain of salt, but just end the relationship. The daughter isn't going away. Boyfriend doesn't sound like he is going to acknowledge your concerns or change his behavior. You can't change other people, only your reaction to their behavior. If you don't think you can accept that this is how it may always be, save yourself the heartache and end it.
You know... I am used to
You know... I am used to being independent and the thought has crossed my mind several times believe me. He's not a bad person just lacking in back-bone. Although his beliefs about grown children are different than mine.
The father definitely knows
The father definitely knows that she will not have any power over my life. It's the pulling with him that she does that resembles a creepy relationship almost like they're married. She's trying trying to show me that their relationship is more valid than ours. She needs to get a damn boyfriend and move on.
Trouble is often these no
Trouble is often these no boundaries daughters do get boyfriends, and husbands, yet still have this perverted need to control daddy. Its like they cannot let go and accept their dads want a life separated from them. Then of course the DH is so concerned that they will lose their daughter if they assert boundaries. The cycle continues. Often when these daughters see that their dads are happy they amp up their game and try to insert themselves more. They fear that they will lose daddy. I think its up to DH to let her know that just because they love their wife and have a life together does not mean he loves SD less. There should be mutual respect for each other, and realize priorities change overtime.
Exactly! He has told her
Exactly! He has told her that. She acted like she was trying at first but she didn't get the results she wanted and that was for her to call the shots about what her dad should act like, say or do and what I explained in our little was that people change, they don't do the same things with someone else as they do with another. She expects that he do everything the same as when her mother was still alive.
I probably would not have
I probably would not have moved in, once the daughter did.
Your BF saying that he doesn't want to get in the middle, means that he has no intention of making any changes or putting his daughter in her place. You will always be second (at least) in this relationship.
I would just move out and move on.
Yup! This 100%. I live this
Yup! This 100%. I live this on a daily basis with a-hole in-laws and an SO who "hopes we can work it out" amongst ourselves without him having to get involved.
SPOILER ALERT: That does not work.
He definitely doesn't want to
He definitely doesn't want to acknowledge that there is a bigger problem here.
The problem is that we had
The problem is that we had already agreed on a certain date. I gave a notice and my belongings were there already. She sprung a whiny testimony on why she needed to move back. She even brought her puppy that he didn't want because she already left two dogs behind for him and the brother to take care of. They are out and that's a plus.
I read this about 20 times
I read this about 20 times and it remained the same...
The issue is not the daughter, they issue is your boyfriend not telling his adult daughter to butt out of his life, she has no say in it what so ever, he can decide who will live with him and whom not, SD did not simply move in ignoring her father, he allowed it.
Your BF is not ignoring her text messages, not her calls and he's not telling her enough, live your own life, I have my own life... nope she's demanding attention and he's just so happy to give it to her....
Think carefully before you take this relationship any further, it's never going to change, once a daughter manipulates her father and he plays along it's never going to change and your happiness is not worth it Hon...
From a different perspective.
From a different perspective. Have you considered very very loud sex? She is grown and wall rattling expressions of pleasure should drive her running into the night. Not entirely kidding.
(No subject)
I do disagree that the
I do disagree that the daughter is NOT the problem, she is part of the problem and should know better, but your BF is most definitely a problem, also. He is choosing not to do anything about her behavior. Let them have each other.
Boyfriend chooses not to pay
Boyfriend chooses not to pay so much attention to it and move on with his daily life and we still do our thing, but He doesn't set the bounderies he needs to set. He is afraid he might lose her he says. I really doubt that as clingy as she is lol.
OP We have pretty much the
OP We have pretty much the same issue. Except she doesnt live with daddeee. She is married with children. BUT she works for daddy, attends events with daddy, where in the past I may have gone, and texts and calls daddy non stop. I feel sorry for her husband (and myself).
I have no answers other than get your BF to set boundaries. Do not expect this to ever go away. Its enmeshment to the finest degree.
For me, I never talk about her, never see her unless its an important event, and my SO now turns phone off if we are spending quality time. To date though there hasn't been a vacation that we have been on where she hasn't needed to talk to daddee. Now work is the convenient excuse.
I also agree with Hereiam the daughter IS part of the problem, DH is the facilitator. BOTH are to blame.
Thank you. So true
Thank you. So true
Omg Just the same. She did
Omg Just the same. She did move out eventually...dads idea. Thank God! I am in the same mind set too, I don't even like to be around she so devious. I could care less to see and just try to do my own thing. I am afraid this is only going to get worse.
Classic mini wife situation
Classic mini wife situation where grown daughter moves in w/dad to fill her deceased mothers void. She thinks she can fulfill all his needs and doesn't want you in the picture. It hasn't been that long since his spouse passed and I'm sure his daughter thinks it's too soon for him to move someone in. The fact that she moved in right before you should have been a huge red flag, she was marking her territory and trying to deter you.
Like others have suggested I'd move out pronto. Let daughter and daddy dearest have each other. They are clearly filling 99% of each others needs while you fill in the other 1% by warming his bed. I agree that the daughter is part of the problem but your boyfriend is the big time enabler here and once this kind of behavior starts it's almost impossible to stop, especially w/the guilt factor of his dd recently losing her mother.
YES to all of this. So well
YES to all of this. So well put!!! It does work. Be the best you, for yourself and others. SD's neediness and negativity will stand out like a sore thumb. Besides who wants to choose to nurse a baby adult daughter all the time, as opposed to your happy content loving wife.
Its all about the boundaries.
She's his girlfriend and if
She's his girlfriend and if she's smart she'll never take on the mantle of wife. I agree w/ above posters comments yet in so many cases DH's have chosen and even divorced their Happy Sexy wives in favor of needy adult children. Sometimes it's a battle that you can't ever win.
Yes still learning I have
Yes still learning I have been so turned off by this relationship with bf and daughter that I have almost left a couple of times. We will see what happens.
Yes true
Yes true
You are absolutely right! I
You are absolutely right! I am pursuing My own interest of business after working a crappy job for 15 yrs well 20 something yrs of crappy jobs. We discussed and planned for me to quit the last one and help him with one of his businesses. The daughter was a big part of all the business and could see all of the money go in and out of the accounts and would only get mad if he spent money on me, but her it was ok. Never mind that though he separated them and now she only deals with the one that she has a big part in hallelujah! To my request and his smart thinking on that he made the right choice. Anyway back to me doing my own thing is what I told him I needed to do since it's such big deal that I am involved with the people that she has known for years and makes that clear that those are her people :sick: and lets it be known when we are all together, even though they are not, they are business associates of her fathers. I decided that I needed to work on what I wanted to do instead and he supports that. I know you are right about me needing to not say anything and it just makes me the less appealing person. So hard sometimes }:) I know that is what I need to do though. I didn't go through the years of crap and learn the things I have learned to let a 20 something tear me down with her sabotage. Hopefully people can see through it. She is definitely drama. Thanks for your advice and I will practice it more.
I am so pissed about the lies
I am so pissed about the lies she is telling people..This sabotage at it's best. Anyone have advice on what do if people are thinking a certain way about you because of a person telling an untrue story? I am just finding out about this because I knew someone in the circle was acting funny towards me. Wow! I can't believe the attention seeking jerk (to put it nicely)would say things that actually have to with her issues.
Like you, I have an SD who
Like you, I have an SD who works for daddy, and like you I have business associates/friends who have started acting differently towards me after SD starting working for SO. First, its an awful feeling just having the gut instinct that SD is slamming you to other people. How do I handle it...I continue to be myself, as they knew me before their views were tainted. Also I never ever say a bad word about SD . Especially when I think other people are fishing for it. You rise above and beyond. That way people will question the merit of SD's slamming.
Thanks so much and if you are
Thanks so much and if you are in the situation then you know and understand. It makes me feel terrible that these people would think I'm whatever person she is making me out to be. Yes I get irritated and tell my bf what I think, but I see things are not right. Thanks again.
I understand all to well. At
I understand all to well. At some point my hopes are that karma steps in and SD is "caught" in her sabotage. It used to really bother me what these co workers/friends now thought of me. But then I developed a thicker skin and actions speak louder than words. I am sure that the people who hear your SD slamming you will question her words. At some point she will just come across as a jealous over indulged daughter. Hang in there!!
She is jealous for sure. I
She is jealous for sure. I have not only been told by one of her family members, but mine as well (at my birthday function) that is really obvious by her body language and facial expressions that she does not like me and seems jealous. Even one of my bf associates told me that she was and I didn't say a word about it. The thing is is that she did not want to accept me from the start so I was walking into a land mine in the first place. She was just waiting for me to be imperfect and screw up. I feel like everyone expects for me to take the reigns and make more of an effort and I am sure that is what she wants me to do, but as bad as it sounds...I don't even like the girl due to what I see. It is sad because I am her dad's girlfriend and I feel that I am supposed to be the person who tries hard because it is his daughter. Mind you I have three grown kids no matter the family issues I feel like I should haven't to coddle at this stage.
I firmly believe when they
I firmly believe when they are an adult and they are not reciprocating in the relationship, let it go. It seems like that is what you are doing which is good! I had those feelings too. People expected me to make more of an effort, after all this is your SO's daughter. However it felt like I was repeatedly slamming my head in the wall. There comes a point where you just stop. If daughter dearest cares so much for daddy, then she should be making an effort to get to know the woman in his life as well.
I always say in situations like this, best to stay away.
I totally agree.
I totally agree.
They say you should never
They say you should never care about what people think of you who do not know you; but it is hard when it is evident as Dovina stated. You know opinion was tainted; but you do have to rise above it, consider the source, and prove yourself as you, only.
I could never live with my SD's, I cannot even be near them...so you do better than I do...
It would be horrible if she
It would be horrible if she still lived with us, but thank God that was just in the beginning. She even started picking tile our for the kitchen immediately after moving in. I was like :jawdrop:
Her dad and I talked about fixing up the place as soon as his kids and their dogs were out. I understand that she lived in the place for years with both parents, but it didn't sit too well with me that she didn't ask her dad and was trying to take over. After all it is her dad's house. That got nipped in the bud real quick!
To add to all of this he
To add to all of this he leaves our bank account accessible for his daughter to see at the office they work at. The computers at home and office are on the same server. She can log in at anytime and especially since there was an issue with her knowing all of the money going in and out of the other accounts and having say, I don't appreciate that he does not care to protect our privacy! What is the worst is that I have discussed this with him and he says it doesn't matter. Well it does to me!! Yet he doesn't seem to think that it is a big deal. I think it is bullshit and that he is a moron. Yes I am angry. He lets her have access to his facebook page and anything else. I am a private person, but I don't think it is abnormal to request that he protect our privacy or his own for that matter. Anyone else deal with crap?
Since you have a problem with
Since you have a problem with this, why do you still have your money in those accounts?
You could pull your funds and open accounts that his daughter doesn't have access to. You are making the CHOICE not to do that. Why?