What is normal?
Where do I begin? So I have been a step parent for almost ten years. The first four years were the greatest years! She was only one years old when she came into my life. She was my everything and I hers. I get the privilege of saying I taught her everything she knows. Her mother got her every other week. It was hard for her to leave me. She would scream kick and cry when I had to hand her over. A lot of times people were confused at who she really belonged to. Then one day the unthinkable happened. Her mother abandoned her for over four and half years. These years were hard for us. I was a couple of months pregnant when it happened. When her mother left her she was almost due with her second daughter. So during my SD mom absence she had the baby. My SD knew. It hurt her so bad so it was difficult to except that I was pregnant. She would scream and say your going to leave me too. Well anyways we were really close and she has called me mom since she could talk. This burns her mother up! She can not stand it matter of fact during our custody hearing she brought it up several times. The judge looked and told her that should be a blessing considering what the child has endured. I am not going to go into details other than it involves abuse, drugs, possible sexual assaults, DV, alcohol abuse, and more(at my SD mom side not ours). So shes been in therapy for a while. She is now almost 12 years old. And lately my feelings have been really hurt because she talks about her mom like she is some hero all of a sudden. Come to find out her mom has been making her promises she cant keep. I don't feel that me and my SD are as close as we use to be. Is this normal or did something happen? If something happened I don't know what! I feel she is making her promises and the unfortunate thing is I recently found out the mom is going to give up her other three children without contesting! I just don't understand but continues to promise her things like try to get her back when we all know its not possible. North Carolina is a for moms state. In addition they don't believe in recognizing a step parent. But because of the extreme situation her mother has placed her in I AND my husband were rewarded custody. Normally it won't even name the step parent. I just need some advice. I want our relationship to be what it use to be and I know that is her mom but she is no good for my SD. Ive tried doing special things with her and everything.
- RelyNC's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Its amazing and hard to
Its amazing and hard to believe, but no matter what a bio parent does, the kid still wants them. She is dealing with her feelings of wanting her bio mom. Let her feel her feelings. Be there for her, support her and don't make her feel bad for wishing her mom was a real mom. She is lucky to have you. Time will show her how lucky dh is. Teenage years are upon you. This is when the work gets hard. Hang in there. You can do this.
It blows me away she has
It blows me away she has never done anything for SD besides bring her pain and place her in hard situations. I take her every week to therapy to get her help she may need. I make to sure to reassure her that I am here for her and an open ear always. I fear that's all I can do but I cant help to feel like sometimes she tells SD that I am the bad guy. SD doesn't say that but after spending the weekend over there shell questions some things. Like for example not to long ago she asked DH about their marriage right in front of me and kept looking over at me. I remained calm with a smile and let her inquire. Unfortunately Dh told her that they really weren't married for long and didn't live together. I don't think it was the fairy tale she was told. Because later she told me that her mom had told her something else. I felt bad for her I did we all want a fairy tale. Sometimes those are not the cards we are given.
Yeah, I get it. Blows my mind
Yeah, I get it. Blows my mind how horrible some BMs are. And, the lies they tell thier kids. The BM in my case lost custody. She's a wackadoodle. And yes, for 6 years she lies about me to her daughter that lives with me full time. Its a crazy rollercoaster.
That is just like us! I am
That is just like us! I am always the bad guy. Although she says these things to SD. SD doesn't seem to believe all that she says. There may be some things in questions. Like I make her do some chores as well as the boys. I tell them that a family is a team and we have to all work together. Where over there she has free reign to do whatever she pleases. So when she speaks of me being mean or something im sure something may cross her mind like yeah she makes me do chores. lol She lives with us full time as well. BM lost custody to me and my husband.
That is why I placed her in
That is why I placed her in therapy. I felt that was the best place for her to vent with no judgment. Its been going well
One of the best things about
One of the best things about children is they believe everyone is good. They won't understand that someone who is suppose to love them isn't good for them or really doesn't care about them. She will always hope her mother with one day decide she is worth it and come running back all changed for the better. As an adult we know that's rare. People don't change, they just get better at hiding their real selves. Your best bet would be to act like her friend in the sense that you encourage her to work out her relationship with her mom. You KNOW BMs promises are empty but you don't have to crush her hopes for security; it'll only make you look bad anyway. Just let her go and be supportive and receptive of her feelings. As her "real" mom you need to let her figure this out on her own. It seems like you already put her feelings first when it comes to dealing with BM and she will always love you for that. Even when she goes into teenage drama queen mode
Thank you, I hope that I am
Thank you, I hope that I am always able to put her needs first. I just don't say much one in hopes that one day she will come to realize and put it all into place. I had to do that with my real dad. I always appreciated my step dad for what he did. Although he did bad mouth my dad lol I would never do that I figured in time she will see right through that. Sometimes I just need to hear that again other than from myself.
I know the feeling all too
I know the feeling all too well. I am going through this is SSstb14. His mom is a deadbeat who lost custody of him when he was small (because of drug use and neglect) and signed him over to her parents. My husband has always been in the picture, seeing him regularly, spending time, giving money etc, just didn't have rights for years because she threatened a paternity test and he didn't want to lose what access he had. Anyway, She then moved out of state and has lived out of state for several years now. For a few years, until my husband won some parental rights and visitation, she would only call and visit randomly. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to her for months. When my husband was given court-ordered, she also was given vistation, and although she doesn't follow the schedule, he does see her once or twice a year (mind you, she only lives one state over and he's old enough to ride the bus or plane to her she's just not interested) and talks to her on the phone often. She is ALL he talks about all the time. He said that if she visits this Christmas, he wants to spend all of his time with her and does not want to visit us. I do more for him and spend more time with him than she does. He was calling me mom until she decided that she didn't like it and so now he does only sometimes. I'm there when he's sick, when he's in trouble at school, when he needs to vent, when he needs anything. I usually pick him up, drop him off, and do everything for him when we have him. But she gets all of the accolades. Fine, because I know why.
I was raised by my grandparents. My mom did the same thing as his. Abandoned us several times. Still, as a child, I worshipped her. Every time she came back, I hung on her every word. When I grew up, I saw what was what. I saw who was really there and who wasn't. Your daughter, because she is yours, will see too someday.