How do you get across to a dad that consequences are needed?
Now it's my ExH, too! He had DS this past weekend and got attitude but let DS go to a friends house where he stayed up all night. Then DS had to be dropped off at my house to do some chores he owes plus ALL his homework. He was a wreck from being up all night.
It would not have been so bad if he had been made to have his homework done first or was allowed to go but not stay overnight. Nope. He learned he can be a shit and still do whatever he wants cause dad won't deal with it.
Both ExH and DH will "talk to" the kid (pick one, any one) and that's about it. Plus DH can come down on DS (my BS) more easily and helps me enforce consequences but will talk to the two skids and I'm not supposed to say a word or I'm picking on them/being too hard.
Where the hell are these men's balls?
- Redredwine's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I have no answer. I am
I have no answer. I am dealing with a shitty dad as well....sigh.....might be time for a cocktail for me.
I have been preaching this to
I have been preaching this to DH for all the years that I have known him! For the past 2-1/2 years, I've had SD19 and SD13 full-time. Their BM died in 2013. I just about lost my shit last summer with SD13 and started punishing her myself.
I have come to realize this year that my efforts at suggesting anything to DH are for nothing. SD13 got picked on last Friday in school and DH promptly said it was time for her to have a cell phone. She got an iPhone6 over the weekend.
Guess who's teacher emailed us today because SD13 didn't turn in her massive book report that is a large chunk of her English grade? Yup, it was worked on yesterday in class and was due TODAY. Nothing. Nada. I am NOT asking DH if he read the email, I am not asking SD13 anything. DH is working late tonight in meetings, so he probably hasn't read the email.
SD13 will have to learn from the consequences she makes for herself.
If the situation REALLY pissed me off and the kid was a brat, like in your case, I would have no choice but to finally put my foot down and raise holy hell. It depends on the situation. I hate that it has to be all or nothing from us. Frustrating!
~ Moon
It's just a comedy of shit
It's just a comedy of shit right now. My DH who is scared to really discipline the skids for fear they will want to go to BMs is watching as I discipline DS and DS wants to stay more with my ExH. Of course he does and so would the skids because there are no consequences at the other house!
My kid is being really difficult right now but so far I have two things going for me: I know ExH is not on board with DS being there full time or lots more time, and from little things said here and there DS likes that he is asked to be responsible at my house...he grumbles and puts off and tries to negotiate but he seems to like it better than not being allowed to do anything by ExH even when DS volunteers.
I do not know how I'm gonna survive the next six years until they are all out of the house. Yes, they will be out or I will. I've already told that to DH and all four males in the house know I never threaten, it's always a promise.
Does anyone have an angle I could try with the knowledge that DS appreciates being asked to do things (though he fights it) to get him to be more responsible and respectful, in a way that can be continual...not necessarily as punishment for any of this stuff (that's already being taken care of).
Oh I hate it when I hear
Oh I hate it when I hear "I'll talk to Chucky" or "I talked to Polly/ Chucky, explained the implications of what she/he did but she still said no/ did it". Because at that age you can rationalize with a child. Uh huh and then they will learn consequences from you boring them to death with talking about how there are consequences. :sick:
It has taken 2.5 years to get consequences meted out by my SO. I nagged him to death and paid a child psychologist to tell him he talks to much and acts too little with the kids.
In my experience, it's almost
In my experience, it's almost impossible to make some dads understand consequences are needed. They think nothing of it until it comes back to bite them in the butt.
When DH's kids were growing up and spending the weekends here, they had no respect for this house or the rules. My big rule -- no food/drinks (other than bottled water) in the bedrooms!!! DH knew damned well they were sneaking food/sodas up there. Sometimes they would take entire packages of oreos, bags of chips, and 6 or 7 cans of coke and hoard them by hiding them in their computer desk or closet. The carpeting was trashed from soda spills, ground in crumbs, etc (this house was only built 8 years ago). Now they're out of high school and never come over, let alone spend the night. The room has been converted into a guest bedroom, new flooring/paint and it looks great.
My DS15 got caught sneaking food into his bedroom last week. My DH went off on him about no food in the bedroom, not respecting the rules of the house, blah blah blah. When I heard what was going on, I asked my DS to excuse DH and I... then I turned to DH and said:
"For YEARS you knew that no food in bedrooms was the rule of the house. But in order to maintain your BFF status with your kids and not make them feel like they had to follow rules, you ALLOWED them to do it. You don't think DS saw that? And now, you want to rip his hide for doing it and take away his phone. That's rich. And by the way, don't for one moment think DS15 doesn't realize that YOUR KIDS had no consequences for doing the very same thing you're massively punishing him for. HE RESENTS THAT AND RESENTS YOU FOR THE GLARINGLY DIFFERENT STANDARDS!! I hope you're OK with my kids not having respect for you because you hold them to a much higher standard than you were ever willing to hold your own children. Right now, I don't hold much respect for your methods either."
Believe it or not, DH agreed to everything I said. And, he apologized to my DS profusely, admitting that he made mistakes and asked DS's forgiveness. DS didn'tlet him off easy, and let him know he hated living with different standards growing up -- and he didn't think it was OK that I always had to run interference in order to keep things balanced.
it was an interesting evening in the B22 household....