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14 yr old on the Pill

redheadedstep's picture

Submitted by redheadedstep on Thu, 03/27/2014 - 7:57pm

Cleaning my sd bedroom ( doghair piled 2 inches deep) I found a home pregnancy test and Birth control pills from planned parenthood. She had her 42 yr old stepsister from the Other's 3rd marriage take her and lied to dh and me about where she had been. She is 14. Her boyfriend just broke up with her and she has spent hours being consoled by dh weeping and doesn't know why he did this. ( maybe a pregnancy scare at 14 shook him up). Her mother lost custody over a year ago due to drug addiction. Same story of pure evilness and hate from her for years until she lost control completely. Girls don't trust me ( because of the brain washing from their mother, not because of anything I have ever done). Every time this SD gets caught doing something wrong ( her first sexual outing, getting caught with pot) she immediately becomes desparately ill requiring rushing to the ER or hospitalization ( although dr.'s are unable to ever find anything wrong with her even after multiple cat scans and MRI"S and spinal taps, the works) then DH is so relieved she's alive he forgets all about the transgression and there are no consequences, just a lot of special treats to make her feel better.
Question: A new custody hearing is coming up. Stepsister may or may not have told the Other. If I tell DH, somehow it will be my fault and I will be yelled at for violating her privacy and trying to get her in trouble and generally treated like shit and have to endure another round of divorce threats. And we really can't afford extensive med bills again since I lost my job last December. But its eating away at me that he doesn't know and probably should know that she is sexually active. Besides the fact that he has her on multiple other meds for a variety of things and none of those dr.s know of this med as well. And I fear that the Other does know and it will be brought up in court to his surprise.

What do I do?

Comments

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Submitted by positivelyfourt... on Thu, 03/27/2014 - 8:14pm

Tell him what you do know-or suspect(if he's like mine he won't believe anything like that is possible even if he sees it with his own two eyes)and back off.

He will handle it-or not-however he sees fit.

And wherever the chips do land, at least you'll have done the right thing.

redheadedstep's picture

Submitted by redheadedstep on Thu, 03/27/2014 - 9:33pm

The stuff is hidden under the bed in a cloth bag. I only found it cause I was cleaning the candy wrappers/water bottles/half eaten bags of chips, etc I was pulling out. Even if I could get him to look under the bed he would never invade her privacy by opening it. ( More because he does not want to know and is afraid of having to deal with it).

And if I tell him he will find a reason to fault me and support her and then it'll be back to the ER for her complaints of mysterious stomach/back/neck pain. And DH never puts 2 and 2 together, and get angry if I suggest that her illness is more dodge than death.( Although the dr's keep telling him after repeated test on multiple occasions that they can find nothing wrong, he believes they are all just bad diagnosticians)) But I'm losing sleep keeping this secret. AARRRGGGHHH, and she's very careful to throw the old pill containers/prescription boxes out at a friends house so I can't accidentally find it in the trash and give it to DH. She's not dumb.

sixteensmom's picture

Submitted by sixteensmom on Thu, 03/27/2014 - 9:44pm

take them out of the bag and leave them on the bathroom counter, then send him in to get something. he's never going to tell her where he found them, he'll just go ape shit. I wouldn't just let this go. he should know what's going on.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Fri, 03/28/2014 - 7:52am

Your choice is to give a shit or not.

If you care about SD, tell her dad. If you don't, then tell him if it benefits him. If it doesn't, then it doesn't matter.

If you're going get backlash for providing him with this info, then you have to either not give a shit about that and do it anyway, or decide to avoid the drama and not tell him.

If it affects you - like medical costs as you mentioned above - and it's worth dealing with the drama, do it anyway. He can have his hissy, but you might need to set the limit on what you're willing to tolerate.

Good luck with this.

TinyDancer's picture

Submitted by TinyDancer on Fri, 03/28/2014 - 8:24am

Why not just leave it on the kitchen/dining room table? Right in plain sight for everyone to see. And then step back and let the shit hit the fan. You must see how worked up you are over something that's for your DH to handle. Let him deal. If he uses the word 'Divorce' understand that this relationship is seemingly not what you thought it was if he could do that so casually and frequently.

Try responding with 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or, 'what an interesting assumption' to anything he throws at you. As for the sk and her things, do you have a camera on your phone? Take pics. A video. And then leave it out in plain sight.

tabby yabba do's picture

Submitted by tabby yabba do on Fri, 03/28/2014 - 11:23am

First off, it's your house. You're entitled to "find" whatever they hell you want in your house. There is no expectation of privacy for anyone who lives there, is under 18 years old, and not paying rent. Your DH may get mad at you, but really he's just shooting the messenger here. You aren't wrong. Tell your DH what you found.

Second, if my 14 year old kid was on birth control and had taken a pregnancy test, I would want to know. I'd consider it a betrayal by my DH if he knew it, and willingly withheld that from me. It sounds like you're pretty sure the SD14 confided in the 42 year old stepsister and got her to help get the birth control.... in my mind, that isn't a "betrayal." But a spouse is different. Tell your DH what you found.

Third, even as a disengaged SM, any skid living in my house who is partaking in activities that might get her knocked up IS my business. And I do have something to say about that. Tell your DH what you found.

I'd treat this situation as calmly and without emotion as possible. "DH, I found these in SD14s bedroom. I thought you deserved to know. If this was my bio daughter, I'd be upset if you found something like this but I'd want you to tell me. I don't mean to upset you, but I think we should talk to SD14 about this. What are your thoughts?"

Be sympathetic to his rants. After all, his "baby" is having sex. That's gotta be tough for a dad. Devastating even. Don't underestimate how much rage and embarrassment and discomfort he is bound to feel. I think it would be easier for me to address my daughter's sexuality verses her Dad trying to address it.

redheadedstep's picture

Submitted by redheadedstep on Wed, 04/09/2014 - 11:51pm

Thanks for all the advice. I confiscated the pills, and sd14 came asking for them. T

old her she could tell DH or I would. She opted to ( left out the part about the pregnancy scare) DH told her that all girls have sex and he was proud of her for being pro active and getting the pill and thought it was great . She fairly glowed from his approval. I was dumbfounded, but at least it's not a secret any more