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Last Attempt for advice

Rebel87's picture

Submitted by Rebel87 on Sat, 09/01/2018 - 11:21am

I been in a same sex relationship for 5 and 1/2 years. I am a step parent to two kids now ages 17 and 10. I as well have a child from a previous relationship where i dated the mom all threw her pregnancy n have been a parent to my daughter ever since getting ready to turn 12. . Anyways everything is great with two of the kids the youngest how ever HATES me. . . Me n my gf constantly fight over it. The little girl has an additude from hell she gives dirty looks back talks. Ignores anyone when they talk to her even other adults in her life. The problem isnt just with me. Well last night i finally fessed up to my gf that i pretty much just ignore her kid cuz i cant stand her  and of course like every parent would she got upset an told me that this is never going to work if i cant love her kid. She says that i cant just go on ignoring her or only showing attention to discipline. But the truth is that is all i do because i cant stant doing anything nice with her because every time i do she starts talking back or starts doing stuff she shouldnt be and it only puts me in a bad mood where i shut my self down. I feel so guilty that I cant love this kid like my own snd that because of that Our relationship will be ending i dont know what else to do then to step down and walk away. It hurts to know that i wont be here for our sons senior year of high school. That our future will come to and end because i cant love or show affection to one of the kids. 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 09/01/2018 - 11:38am

"If you want me to love your child, then you need to raise a child that is lovable. Right now, your lack of parenting and getting her under control is making her difficult to like, much less love. If you want me to treat her better, then you need to teach her to treat ALL of us better and like we are ALL her family."

This isn't a kid issue. This is a parental failure, and Mom throwing it back in your face is her way of not dealing with the fact that she is failing as a mother. If she can pin her daughter's bad relationships with other people onto those people, it alleviates her guilt and allows her to continue to be lazy.

At this point, you have little to lose. Your GF, whether she meant it or not, has delivered you an ultimatum, and an unfair one at that. So counter it and tell her what you need her to do WITH HER OWN OFFSPRING in order to make this relationship work. It is NOT all on you to love this child unconditionally or like your own; that is never going to happen. Your GF's daughter doesn't even have to like you, or the other way around. But your GF MUST make her daughter show respect to you, or YOU need to leave for your own health and sanity.

So, tell your GF that either she fixes her own parental mess or you'll leave because you won't continue to tolerate living with someone who won't adequately parent their own child. You'll know really quickly whether your GF wants to make your relationship work and sees you as her equal, or if she is looking for a lap dog to warm her bed, pay half her bills, and help her alleviate the guilt she has for being a piss-poor parent.

Rebel87's picture

Submitted by Rebel87 on Sat, 09/01/2018 - 12:21pm

Wow. . .. that was a big fresh if air . .. . I feel so broken down n guilty for holding a grudge against a ten year old. . I feel like as an adult its on me to fix it or to be there unconditionally i just dont know how Or like i am a B**** for not been able to love her and to just read "then you need to raise a child that is lovable" helps me breath. I dont want to lose my gf and our future but i cant continue to be walked all over. 

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sat, 09/01/2018 - 12:38pm

You aren't angry at the kid-she sucks, yes but she isn't the problem. It is the Mom that is causing you this resentment, but in your head you talk yourself into believing it is the kid and not her mom who you love. You need to accept the reality that the kid is just a reflection of the parenting she is recieving. Your SO is a shitty parent and doesn't not love you as much as you think she does or she would be stepping up to nip this child's attitude and disrespect towards you immediate. We humans do not just let the things we love get hurt....that is unless they really aren't that valuable to us after all. Reconsider this relationship. She has already, in her own way, let you know that you can leave if you can't suck it up and deal with the disfunctional child. She has shown you how she parents and is unwilling to compromise or work at getting better. Believe the character she is showing you because if you don't, if you lie to yourself then in a few more years when your life is in a handbasket in hell she will flip it all on you and say you knew what you were getting into when you decided to stay. If you want a family, find someone who wants to be a parent.