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“Treat your SD like you would your own child!”...SERIOUSLY???!!!! ugh

foxymama87's picture

Submitted by foxymama87 on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:02am

Why is it that your significant other always has to throw that in your face once or twice?

WTF!! I ALREADY AM TREATING SD LIKE SHE WAS MY OWN! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!! SORRY IF IT’S NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARDS!!!

I’ve come to notice that DH will tell me this only when I try to discipline SD9 when she misbehaves. SD9 likes to be a smart ass at times and when you tell her to do something she’ll give her stupid remarks and questions your authority. Well THAT just PISSES ME OFF to the point where I will speak to her in a stern matter, sometimes yell if I must to get my point across. I for one don’t deal with that shit and if I have to give an attitude and be a bitch about it so be it. When this happens DH tells me “I’m too harsh” or “why can’t I just be nicer when approaching SD about it, after all she’s just a kid” and my favorite!!...Why can’t I treat her as if she was my own? HELLO YOU ASS, I JUST DID!! Do you think I would take the crap SD9 pulls from my own kids?? HELL NO!! They would have gotten the same treatment maybe even worse because they would have gotten beat! (Aka spanked, grounded, etc...) They would have consequences to their actions. But no, god forbid if I ever so much as lay a finger on his little angel’s head. Oh wait but he doesn’t mind as long as I’m playing the “sweet, loving Mommy” role!!

Sorry but parenting works both ways, you take the good with the bad. LIKE IT or NOT. Being a parent means you have to be able to nourish and love your child unconditionally along with being the discipliner. Just because you’re tough with your step child doesn’t mean you don’t love them or love them less and the fact that DH would think that just makes him even more of a dumb ass. A crappie parent for not knowing the difference!

And if DH doesn’t like my parenting then he should keep his ignorance to himself about treating SD like my own because he obviously doesn’t know any better! And if he doesn’t like the way I speak to SD9 sometimes then he shouldn’t ask me to be the sweet loving step mommy because in reality it doesn’t work that why regardless if they were your own kid(s)! I don’t know what world he lives in these days but in THIS world when it comes to parenting you can’t always play the good guy role.

You can’t have the cake and eat it too buddy!!

Comments

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:08am

This is number nine of my compiled "how to tell if you have a guiltzilla on your hands" list.

It's all part of the "one big happy family" model/fantasy that men tend to subscribe to. Just ignore the fact that the BM is generally preaching hatred to the skids against SM and both bios are free ranging their children while on the other hand, expecting SM's bios to live up to the highest standards.

Oh the dicotomy!!! Enforce a double standard yet expect SM to sing Kumbya, smile broadly and live in unity with those who have been taught to hate her.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:19am

thankfully my DH does not live in this fantasy land and KNOWS that I will not and can not treat skids the same as I do our BS1...he has actually said that he doesn't care if I don't like them, as long as I am nice to them and make them feel welcome so that's what I do. I say hi when they show up and bye when they leave and the rest of the time is DH time to spend entertaining, chatting, idolizing or whatever with them. I refuse to be put in that position of feeling like i am only allowed to sing praises of their well doings but bite my tongue when the perfect preciouses are not being so perfect.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:09am

BF used to say that and I think that is what he still dreams of having but now I just say "but they aren't mine and never will be" Or "They already have a mother". Smile

You can't ague with that facts.

SisterNeko's picture

Submitted by SisterNeko on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:10am

Oh and when I say they have a mother he usually follows up with "yeah a retarded one." and I says... 'You picked her, not me."

wonderwhy's picture

Submitted by wonderwhy on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:12am

Really??? What is he smoking? Yeah, and SD is going to treat you like she would her own mother!! Gimme a break!!! :jawdrop:

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:18am

My answer to that statement, is you do not want me to treat him as my own! If I did, I would not tolerate his staying in his room for hours watching TV or Playing Xbox. I would enroll him in many activities to stop that, whether he liked it or not. I would not tolerate the smart remarks, my hand would be up the backside of his head. I would not listen to his excuses as to why he didn't get an A on that test because he doesn't like to study. He would be expected since he is capable of it, he is just lazy. I would be firm with him as I have been with my own. Which is why mine is an Honor Student, Soccer, Science Olympian, Academic Team and Eagle Scout. Because I kept him busy and expected Straight A's.

So no you do not want me to treat your son like mine. He may be able to handle it, but DH you definitely can't. It is all about expectations for these kids. I expect nothing less than you are capable of doing. You just expect nothing so you get nothing.

That felt good...Thanks!

stepmom916's picture

Submitted by stepmom916 on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 11:57am

The sooner you disengage the better your life will be. Let DH discipline her because it will save you so much stress in the long run. You will never be able to treat her like your own because she will never think she has to respect or listen to you. I disengaged and it has saved my sanity! I no longer try to teach, nurture or be close to SD13. It is kinda sad that even my 2yr BD knows when she does something wrong to apologize and not to do it again but SD has never learned that. You just have to learn to say "Not my kid, not my problem." I know how hard that can be, but in the end it can save your marriage and relieve you of the obligation to try to parent her. Someone on this site said to treat your Skid like you would a neighbor kid, just be polite and let their parent do all the work! What helps me is if SD needs to do something, I tell DH and he tells her to do it, then that makes him the bad guy and not me. I know every household is different but these things have helped ours tremendously. Wishing you a peaceful weekend foxymama Smile

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 2:36pm

Yeah, I've been a sm for almost 12 years. It took me several years (yeah, I'm slow)but I finally figured out that although dh SAID he wanted me to treat ss as his own-in reality he wanted me to treat ss BETTER than I treated my own. I was supposed to be loving and affectionate, contribute to him financially, help him in all that he does BUT I was not supposed to discipline him, yell at him, restrict him in anyway. I was to BE NICE to him at all times. Furthermore if one of my bio kids had someplace to be and ss had something place to be-I was supposed to take ss and shitcan my own kid. Why? IDK. He never could actually justify that-but it's still the way it was supposed to be.

Once I discovered the REAL expectation I backed off. Way off. I am now so far removed from parenting ss that he may as well be on another planet. Dh now realizes that I am not going to treat my ss as my own-he also realizes that ss treats me nothing like my children do. And he no longer makes such ridiculous comments.