#1. You sound completely Dickmatized. This is a fairly hefty list of some serious relationship ending baggage to be riding on "He loves me SO well..."

#2. He doesn't sound like all that great of a guy, TBH. He sort of sounds like he's using you as the nanny he can f*#@.

#3. He's not the only match out there for you. There IS a guy somewhere with no kids/grown kids/far away kids that would not require this amount of sacrifice. That same guy would also respect your value and that you have an equal right to your career as he does his. He would meet you halfway.

Like the poster above said, the right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy.

Welcome to the site and I am sorry I can't offer any more helpful information other than sometimes the things we want may not bring us happiness in the bigger picture. I think you're blaming the kids because they're easy scapegoats, but the issue is actually that you had to give up the things that made you happy in life (child-free, career, not in your hometown, etc.) for something else that you wanted (to be with this guy.)

In the long run, the honeymoon butterflies will wear out, and you need to see what you're left with. You seem to be luckier than a lot of us who have BMs that hate us and stepkids who hate us simply because we exist.

I'm not sure how he's paying $4500 a month either unless they agreed to it outside of state guidelines as he's got to be making close to mid six digits for that to occur (or he's lying), in which case... I don't know HOW you guys wouldn't have the money to live separately and in this case, then maybe re-examine your lifestyles? It's definitely possible to live on less. Most of America lives on less a month than what he's paying in CS.

I think both you and your husband gave yourself expectations and you, wanting to please him, made choices to make HIS life easier, but in reality, made yours harder. A marriage should improve everyone's life, not just one person's. I would say, living separately, or have someone watch the kids (like a nanny) so you can do you would be the best advice (a nanny might be cheaper than buying and maintaining a new home?)

I so wish I could give you encouraging words, but I have to be honest, this is not a healthy situation, and it's not likely to improve, at least for many, many years. No wonder you're bitter & resentful. You've sacrificed everything for him--your career, your "home"--and what's he given up? Nothing! In fact, he gained a nanny whom he gets to sleep with. Most women would not accept even "the perfect man" under these terms because, let's face it, with all that involved, he's not so perfect. Obviously, he was the major breadwinner in his marriage (sounds like the wife didn't work) and you can bet she's going to try to ride the gravy train to keep the alimony and as large a CS check as possible coming for as long as possible. I'm also curious about what he did for child care before you moved in. Whatever that is, he should be doing now. Even with that change, it would still be too much for me.

I've been married to my DH, a lawyer, for 18 years, and SSs were 3 & 5 when we got together. Because of my DH's huge CS obligation, plus short-term alimony, we were financially strapped for Quite a few years. I actually would have liked to work less, especially after I had my first DS with DH, but instead, we could not afford it. While BM worked part-time, my children with DH were in daycare 10 hours a day. I plowed ahead and built my legal career so we would have the benefit of my partner salary, to BM's disappointment, I'm sure, since she wanted DH to suffer financially as much as possible. My income has allowed us to have a much better lifestyle, but at a very high cost. I still have a lot of resentment about it. Fortunately, my SSs only came EOW and my DH provided most of their care. Had I been expected to basically act as a mother to two young children that were not mine a large amount of time on top of everything else, I'm pretty sure it would have been a deal-breaker, and I love my DH more than anything and can't imagine my life without him.

As sorry as I am to say this, if I were you, I'd chalk it up to right person, wrong time and cut my losses.

It's really a basic human tragedy when we are confronted with the fact that love is not enough. Everyone has felt the feelings you are having right now - obviously not *exactly* the same, and your situation is as unique as fingerprints, but I, for one, have a lot of compassion for you.

That being said, you know what you need to be happy, you know what you are willing to offer and what you cannot. But you are constantly giving what you don't want to give, and never getting filled up. Of course you are unhappy and resentful.

You don't want that for yourself, and more, your DH doesn't want that for you either. Because you matter to him... and so does your happiness. Being together isn't nearly as important as being happy, and if you have to choose... choose happy.

I think you will find more possibilities when you commit to being happy. Certainly far more than if you are committed to being unhappy.

You state that "our finances are stretched " as the reason you had to move back in with him and his kids. It sounds like it's really his finances are stretched. When you were working your career job and living on your own, you had no problems making your own ends meet. Take it from someone who was there and did that and seriously regrets it--do not subsidize him and his kid/ex financial obligations.

Move back to where you were happy. Keep your finances totally separate. He has to sink or swim on his own. The right man at the wrong time is indeed the wrong man. If this is meant to be then it will work out with you living where you are happy doing the work that makes you happy.

Hi. I may have a bit of perspective on this. I lived 1754 (yes, we mapped it), from my dh. I have several small children, he has one adult daughter.

I moved with my four kids across the country to him, for him. I had no job, I would be living in a home that he had rented for my kids and me while I settled and found work. He knew he loved me but barely knew my kids.

We had no idea if this would work and I am sure it was the scariest thing he ever did. My dh is not a risk taker by nature. Everyone was really quite shocked when they found out.

The difference is, my dh LOVES kids. He loves MY kids. I didn't ask him to give up his career. It is a large part of who he is and him having to start over where I was would not have been good. Taking away what means so much to him and then throwing him into a new situation where he would be a father figure would have been so selfish of me. We lived separately when we moved here, he spent time easing in to the situation, not being thrown in. He set the pace. I asked a lot of him and I knew it at the time and we are ok now because we were smart about it. We have been together for some years now and share a home, life is good.

My point is that I was the one who brought the baggage to the relationship and I knew it. I didn't force anything. I knew things would need to happen organically and ultimately have to be his choice. If he had decided it was too much I would have understood and loved him enough to realize that his happiness mattered. It doesn't sound like this is happening for you and so when you say he is perfect except the kids, that isn't really true,is it? It doesn't sound like he is thinking of you at all. You have given up everything, what has he given up? My dh and I both sacrifice some things for our marriage, but what we gain is far more than what we give up, so it isn't a struggle at all. You have a right to be happy. If you were maybe going to grow to like the situation more, have more of an affinity for his children, that would be one thing, but you don't really want children and you will become more and more angry. Kids can be little soul suckers in the best of circumstances, they are needy and exhausting at times and if you don't also get the good parts, oh man, it can be hell.

My advice before you make any decisions is to have a come to Jesus meeting with your dh and explain that you have expectations, what you want and need, how he needs to step up and parent. Go from there. If you are taking care of him and he is taking care of him, who is taking care of you?

These kids are going to end up with a father they only see a few times a year once he moves.

He isn't moving because he can't find a decent job where he currently lives.
He isn't moving because he needs to get away from a nutty or dangerous ex.

He's moving because he made the CHOICE to marry someone who isn't a kid person and isn't happy where he lives.

Moving will be best for you and him, but what about his children?

Do you have any idea how many SMs posting here are stuck with full-time stepkids because the mother just HAD to be with the new love if her life?

This man isn't the right man for you at this point in his life.
You should not have to live a life you hate simply because he has children. His children should have their world turned upside down (having dad become a summer/holiday parent is a major change)simply because you are unhappy.

welcome....

I'm going to sound very bitchy now... but it is what it is Hon.... you realized you never want to have children, yet you are stuck with 3 and a ex wife...

I'm sorry I would end this and start over again, there's no shame in ending anything and starting over again, and Hon... no man is wonderful, especially no man with children from prior marriage... if he was wonderful - why the divorce