Just when you think that one may break the cycle ..... nope.
Apparently not.
My DW flew home to SpermLand yesterday AM to visit my IL clan and have their post TG, TG celebration as a family today.
I was so hopeful that it would be a drama free experience for my amazing bride. She has not been home other than for her cousin's funeral for 2+ years.
I had commented recently in conversation with my bride that our eldest niece, of 6 in DW's family, had been notably absent in any FB activity or talks that DW has had with my MIL, her sibs, etc...
As usual there was some big secret that the whole clan burries their head in the sand over, ignores, and refuses to discuss as if that makes it not so.
This one is a HS honor student and honors graduate, very attractive, an award winning leader in FFA, has a scholarship for welding technology at a local CC, was considering working toward her BS and going to Vetrinary school, etc...
I got the update last night.
She turned 18 a few months after HS graduation. She decided that she was 18, no longer had to follow the household rules required by her parents, left without warning and moved in with her decidely low performance 19yo still in HS weasle-y odd looking little BF and his family. Apparently the BF won't graduate this year and will in all likelihood have a 3rd Sr yr of HS. Even I, who had 2 sophomore years of HS, managed to graduate a few months after turning 19.
While my BIL1 and his bride are infurating in may ways, they are pretty good parents. They have raised/are raising their 4 girls with standards of behavior and performance. The eldest performed well... until.......she apparently has lost the plot.
Wow! This one had promise. The first in my IL clan to show that possibility since my DW.
Apparently we have the first one circling the drain with . 5 more nieces and one nephew to go. And a TBD from BIL#2 that we will learn tonight what it will be. We shall see... and hope for positive outcomes on the rest of them. Or even just one. My IL's child record is 1 for 4 so far. My DW. Odds are decent that we may get at least 1 and possibly 2 positive outcomes of the 7+1? nieces and nephew(s) in DW's clan.
I hope the eldest niece will make a successful recovery form her apparent bout of teen brain-fart-itis and live up to her potential.
Here is to hoping.
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Hard to watch
You ope for the best but these kids making these really bad decisions. Egads.
It is sad.
I know it breaks my DW's heart. She loves her family, they are generally good hard working people. They just seem to not be able to make a good dexision even it there is only one choice. They avoid the good choice almost completely. This niece is following the model she has been raised with.
My FIL put it into a clear statement. "I now this is a bad idea but it is my dream so if you cannot be supportive please don't say anything." So, they all go into Ostrich mode and bury their heads in the sand and wonder about why they keep getting bit in the ass.
Most sad to me is that then they all circle up and comiserate about how people are mean, the boss hates them, they are smarter than the boss and that is why they got fired, the person that sold them the 20yo worn out truck or peice of ancient farm equipment that broke down after a few months should give htem their money back or fix it though the entire time the seller pointed out that it was old and sold as is, etc, etc, etc......
This must be so frustrating
This must be so frustrating to watch. I almost think that if there is one person who successfully escapes the cycle there is even more resistance to stay as they are, like they rally behind their own disfunction.
So right. That DW left, has accomplished amazing things,
experienced the world, has a great career, etc... would intrigue the nieces and nephew The currently brain farting eldest niece was engaging with my DW and had plans to go to college, get beyond the aggriculture laborer life, etc.... DW has been the fun "rich" aunt that all the kids have enjoyed. Over time the kids have been assimilated to demonize DW as the one who wastes money, doesn't need nice things, shows off, etc.... Things that my DW just does not have it in herself to do.
I think the watershed moment for all of this was many years ago wihen BIL1 had recently married and was working 75+ hours a week and decided he wanted to show off his pay check to my DW and I when we were visiting my ILs. He kept pushing, pushing, and pushing. When we did not bite on his efforts other than to say "wow, great job. That is a lot of money.". He got nasty. So, I sat him down and went over how a Salar differes from an hourly income and how profesional incomes differ from labor based incomes.
In a nutshell, he made $12/hr and was working himself to death. He worked a ton of OT, but... ag workers do not make time and a half for OT, They only make straight time for all hours worked. My intent was to guide him to a mill job, go to welding school, something... I apparently gutted his dream. He did eventually get his CDL and went to work for a lumber trucking company making pretty good money and time and a half OT. Until he fell asleep and ran his truck off of a cliff. He was trapped in the cab hanging over a several hundred foot cliff for half a dozen hours while emergency serivices figured out how to rescue him.
He went back to ag work and has proceeded to work himself closer to death every day.
That is the dad of the eldest niece. Stubbornness is a genetic trait
My DW's sibs all dug their heals in to lionise the fantasy of the noble person of the land, farmer, etc.... It killed my FIL in his mid 60s, both of my BILs are worn out a decae or two beyond their years, my SILhad to lie, cheat, and steal to maintain her self delusion of success.
We took guardianship of my SIL at 17 and put her through her freshman year of university. She hated the city and hated us for being "mean" and forcing her to go to class, do her homework, and do actual college level work rather than the barely passing middle-school work that she managed to flouner her way through HS with.
After she turned 18, she moved home to SpermLand and started her "rip off the family" mission.
It is beyond me why anyone would voluntarily repeat the abject generational failures that they suffer through. When there are so many other options.
Friday is DW and eldest niece day.
The plan started with it being DW and niece. Then the BF insisted that he be able to participate.
So, DW shut that crap down, the day will be DW and niece, and then DW will take niece and her BF to dnner.
I am nervous for DW. Niece won't speak to her own parents or anyone else in the family. BF is not allowed in her dad's home, the risk of drama is high.
DW will be home on Sunday. I forecast a lot of quiet, some tears, and a couple of weeks of solemn introspection regarding her family.
The score:
BIL1: Married to the formerly extremely toxic and still not trusted Bovine Bride. They have 2 daughters. Overall good kids. But, yet another generation of victims of "idiot teachers", stupid school principals, evil mean children, etc, etc, etc.... They adopted twin girls who were wards of the state and in the foster system. Their BM and BGM live in the same small town so there is regular run ins with them at stores, restaurants, etc. They are actually doing pretty well financially. Bovine Bride worked for an employee owned company for about 12 years and when her ownership shares vested they were able to pay cash for a home, pay off their cars, and invest in an IRA. They both work. BIL1 way too much, and his wife not enought because of the total focus that the twinds need for them to try to raise them to overcome the toxic background they are cursed with on their bioparent side.
BIL2: Heart of gold, works himself to death as a bee keeper laborer, married to a cheating wife and is raising her cheat baby as his own. He almost dumped her when her many years long affair was uncovered and it became clear that "his" daughter is in fact not his. They just announced that they are pregnant with a boy. This one may actually be his bio-kid.
SIL: A thief, can't keep a job, steals from MIL, MIL's sister, etc.... Her DH has also worked for an employee owned company that was just bought by a large holding company. His cash out was several $Hundred K. So now .... SIL is suddenly rich, supposedly paying back MIL, their aunt, etc... She won't actually say how much she is paying them for what she has stolen over the years. Probably, only pennies on the $. she owes the Aunt $35K+. She owes MIL about $15K and her brothers several $thousand each. My DW will have all the details from MIL and the aunt when she gets back. SIL and her DH have two kids. Our only IL clan nephew who was a challenging young kid but seems to be coming into his own now that he is in HS. That is good to see. And a niece. This one is still floundering in the throws of SILs parenting. Hopefully she will blossom when she gets a bit older. Like her brother.
MIL: Widowed for the second time in 2018. DW got her with a very good investment advisor who completely manages her finances including paying all of her bills and giving MIL a small allowance, of her own money. MIL finally move on to a higher paying job with the State through is still not full time. Probably will never be. She is finally clear that she will never retire. She will be 70 in less than 2yrs and her investement advisor is the one who has given her clarity. DW and I have maped it out for her repeatedly, but she pays attention with the advisor. DW and I are both very appreicative of him. He keeps MIL from continuing the insnanity that she and FIL invested in for decades and MIL is finally getting to a point of at least a moderate level of financial stability. MIL keeps FIL's ashes in her living room. Something I find strange.
Aunt: Retired in Jan 2022 after 45 years with the State. Very comfortable financially. Widowed for about 20 years. Keeps her DH's ashes on the mantle. Apparently something that is normal for that generation of my MILs half of the IL clan. Aunt is10 the bank for my DW's sibs and their cousins. MIL and Aunts youngest sister passed away about 10yrs ago. She has 3 kids with the XH she did not divorce after he married his seconf wife. It was an odd deal. Her XDH had another wife, actually married with a license and everything (illegally). That family was at the far end of his railroad run. He is a railroad engineer. The youngest Aunt and their kids were at the other end of the rail line. Ayway, surving aunt has named DW executrix of her estate and DW will have to divide it all as stipulated by Aunt. To avoid having to sue her own sister in behalf of the estate, DW and the AUnt worked out that SIL's inherritance will be the money she has stolen from Aunt... and not a penny more.
I do enjoy visiting. Though there is always drama when I do. When my DW goes without me, it usually is a good visit with a cap of heartbreak for her.
Young adults are stupid. Both
Young adults are stupid. Both of our respective spouses, Rags, were teen parents partnered with some of the worst choices for co-parent possible. You and I both married our first ex-spouses before realizing how much of a mistake that was (for different reasons, but outcomes were the same). She may be a lost cause or she may just be hitting a bump in the road that will cause her to rethink things going forward. Her pattern so far in life has been to make good decisions. This recent series of bad ones may just be her rebelling a bit. Hopefully your DW can be supportive but realistic - understanding of the impulse to make these decisions, but offer some insight as to why it's a bad idea. If anyone can provide that very unique perspective in her family, it's her.
I hope so too.
It will be a heartbreak for my bride if the eldest niece does not live up to her potential and capabilities.
I am just glad that this is not our son. He is doing well.
Take care of you Lt. Happy holidays.
Regards,
Rags