"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

as you did here, Rags.

When H gets so jealous over my past with my ex, it puzzles me. He is not in my life, and hasn't been for years. Yet H gets angry anytime I mention something about those days-those days were the days when I was raising young children, so they are an important part of my life, of who I am.

At the same time, because he and his ex still have issues over children, she is spoken to and about by H. Doesn't bother me at all. Never has. Because I still hold true to the idea that whomever we've known, whereever we've been, touches our lives and changes us just a bit, or sometimes changes us enormously. But it is part of what makes us who we are today.

That's not to say that some of the blatantly in your face interfering ex's some posters have to deal with should be excused.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

over the BM. And the 1st one is definately H's fault. When we returned from our honeymoon, H announced to me that SD13 would be living here, with me. He did not ask. He never mentioned it before. It was a scheme between BM and himself, their private little plotting. Should of kicked his fanny out over that one. It was wrong on so many levels.

And if it had been handled differently, if I had been asked FIRST-as fiance, as wife, as the one providing the home, the outcome MAY have been different. But I was damned if I was going to let them run over me in that fashion, the first 2 weeks of marriage!

The second time was when a relative of H's said BM and I look so much alike we could be sisters. That one really bothered me.

But not anymore. Because I am so much more intelligent, have such a better set of moral values, than BM, that comparing us makes me shine shine shine.

that BM was a part of DH's past.

Problem is... she's still around! Yeah, I know... it's because of Blabb, blah blah blah.

But the fact that she's around all the time and constantly reminds me that she is DH's first wife and mother of his first child... it's difficult.

I can't wait until we move away, and I don't have to see BM's ugly warthog face.

have your mentality, I know that DH is madly in love with me, I know I'm his first wife and the first "REAL" love of his life, since he never wanted to marry his ex, and never did.

BUT... I must admit, the fact that they had a child together makes me very upset. Just knowing that he was so happy when he found out he was going to be a "daddy", and he was so involved in her pregnancy and in the child's life. The fact that he fell in love with his baby, that he thinks he procreated a beautiful child with this woman. And well, she gave him his first born.

Whereas, I was by myself throughout my pregnancy, I went to the DR's appointments by myself. Labor, by myself, the first months of my son, by myself.

That really scarred me for life, and I want to have his baby (5 or 6 years from now) mainly because I really need to feel like I'm taken care of throughout a pregnancy, and have someone by my side, and all those things I wanted that never had (talking about the baby's future, names, and whatnot with the dad) I NEVER had that, I never saw the bIOlogical dad of my son again after I got pregnant (I moved to U.S)

Anyway, tha's what bothers me. I know I'm younger (20) and pretty much well, a "hot hispanic" lol. Whereas well, she is anyhing BUT pretty and annoying. That helps a little bit (I don't wanna sound evil but... its true) and also the fact that I actually got married, she wanted to marry him, and tried to pressure him, she had his child and didn't understand why he didn't want to marry her etc... I have a GREAT relationship with my husband. And he tells me how awful their relationship was, how loveless, how sexless and how stressful. I know I'm #1 in his life, but YET I get extremely sensitive when it comes to his past. I do understand that I need to do something about that because It is already affecting my marriage, and I don't want that. But I need help, I overanalyze every single thing of his past, only to find myself torturing well, myself!...

It is funny for my side, my exH was a total fucktard, I married him on a whim, and yet divorce took a year? I never regret that "it" was a part of my life because of my BD was a great gift from god.. Now if I could go back and god tell me that I could still have her but with my H that would be different. Since when I had BOTH my kids I was alone the whole time as well. but after giving birth to BD I tied my tubes. Seeing as I was in a abusive relationship and couldn't for the life of me get rid of the "LOSER" and then I finally got the courage and did. Then a few years later had to have a hysterectomy which I guess it was all gods will....maybe?? I tell my parents all the time that my xH's new wife has no idea how lucky she is I don't bother, EVER!! Not for a thing. He doesn't care to see BD then it is a total loss to him and her. They have 2 boys together younger then my D and xh always wanted a girl. But yet make no effort to see his only girl... I could careless for him, her or anyone in that family who doesn't try to be a part of my D's life!!! but now as far as BM is concerned I wish she would fly through her windshield and land on a really big thorny tree and be stuck up there for about ehhhh 4 years, Then she can come back and be the mother to her daughter she has never been and quit putting the parenting on me!!! "when you wish upon a star" to bad it don't come true!!! I can't get mad hearing about H and BM's life he doesn't talk about it much unless SD bring stuff up but MIL tells me stories EVERY single time she calls me.... So I usually read and write blogs on here and son't even listen to her. SHe thinks I am though!!!
"Why doesn't the BM get it, if they knew how to keep their men happy. I would never be the evil stepmother"

I don't necessarily get hung up on the past with my DH, but he does keep it open bc he has 2 children that were a product of that past. I am in no ways "jealous" or "ponder" over what he DID have. I think that you learn from your past & it is important to both of us to know what that past was. I have told DH you would not have wanted to know me before now bc I was NOT always a great person. We have made mistakes in the past, but that is what they are--the past--which bring us to circumstances now that we have grown from and can deal with in a different manner/light. I mean, of course, I wish I was his first & only marriage (bc he is mine), but I feel that the "EVIL" marriage (what we like to call it) has groomed him to be who is today & I certainly DO NOT want to change that.

What I do get upset about is the fact that BM ALWAYS tries to bring up the past with him on the phone (and not about the children, about the two of them), and belittles him for no solid reason on something he cannot help bc he has our life and future---in which has substantially made him a happier person. I don't want him to walk away from talking to his kids on the phone upset---I want him to be happy when he calls everyday to find out what is going on with them.

Believe me, I cannot wait until the kids can pick up the phone & call on their own! She keeps the phone on speaker and dictates to them what they can talk about. Ugh!

" Everything reactionary is the same; if you don't hit it, it won't fall."

I am like you in that perspective that I do not discuss the coulda, shoulda, woulda. My life is the way it is now because of the the choices that I made, some good, some bad, some very bad! I don't let anything from the past upset me. Meanwhile back at the ranch FH and I are still dealing with his "mistakes" from the past and when I say that I do not mean SD16, I mean the BM. By not putting up boundaries years ago the past is still creeping in to our present life and at times making our relationship very difficult to deal with and causing fights because of someone else's (BMs) inability to let go. It is very frustrating for us because we can not control the actions of another person but it is hard to have a good strong relationship sometimes when there is always someone there trying to ruin. I am trying to get my FH to see, and we have worked very hard on this in counseling to see that WE are just that WE. And that WE do things together, discuss issues, etc., and always present a united front. I hate the fact that sometimes BMs pettiness, control and manipulation can come between us and cause fights between us when WE should both be on the same page.

we are all a sum of our experiences and those experiences are part of who we are
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I tend not to agree as each person will ingest experiences differently... same experiences to one person can be very different to another... I disagree because the statement suggests acceptance that may not be good or things maybe not acceptable.
( example: Ted Bundy, Hitler )
It depends greatly on the person and how they interpret the experience, if they have made the best of it, learned from it, as many people are fools and never learn and some people only want to manipulate every and all experiences.

She dwells on her OWN past with her ex...she's not obsessing over YOUR past with your ex. Two different things.

I have done the same from time to time, but for me it's like I'm punishing myself or beating myself up over the mistakes I made in the past. On one level I understand logically that we all make mistakes, but for some people, like me, we find it hard to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes. I do this sometimes with even stupid stuff that probably everyone or anyone else involved has long forgotten about. It's not that I expect to be perfect, but I often wonder what today would be like for me if I had made different, or perhaps better, choices. I was also brought up with a lot of criticism...sometimes no matter what I did right or how hard I tried, it was not good enough. I ended up with a lot of feelings of guilt because of that, and sometimes it can be very difficult to let go of that past. Some things are just so deeply ingrained into our personalities and becomes a very integral part of our present life.

I don't obsess about H's past with his ex, but sometimes I do wonder why he made certain choices that brought him a lot more problems...then that goes right back to we all make mistakes.

You are right, Rags.

My parents' divorce made me a stronger person. Living with my stepmother taught me how to be nice to people I don't like. BM's cr*p has made me a stronger person. It took a lot but I decided to overcome it.

I do tend to leave the past with the past. I have mine and he has it. But (the terrible but phrase) still have thoughts and feelings about the past. It boggles my mind that my H married such a POS . This woman is truly a real huck of junk. But i guess people change for the good and the bad. hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I agree. I never hold BF's past against him. I don't get mad at HIM when BM flips out and goes crazy or does something else to try to make us miserable.

The recent blog post where so many members admitted that they got mad at their SO's for the things that BM did or the fact that he chose to be with BM in the past just broke my heart. Blaming him for putting you in this situation is just horrible. I would HATE to be that man who felt like his very past was keeping him from making his own wife happy.

A relationship between a step parent and their significant other can not exist without understanding and acceptance of their past. Otherwise you are living in a dream world and you are setting yourself up for being upset and heartbroken over and over.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I, too, believe that everything happens for a reason, and that each experience in our life makes us who we are today. I have made many decisions in my life that some might call mistakes (say, for example my first marriage). I choose to look at it though like those choices have made me who I am, and I genuinely like who I am. I learned a lot from my first marriage, and have grown immensely. I view DH in the same light. I'm not angry with him for his choice to marry BM in his "preCatlover" days. Heck, I don't hold anything against him at all that is prior to me. I believe, and he will agree, that his experience has changed him for the better.

I think that had I met DH prior to BM, he and I would not have gotten along at all! In a weird way, I have BM to thank for kicking DH into maturity gear. It is just unfortunate that her methods had to be so disgusting. Overall, the past is the past. That being said, anything going on in the present is fair game. When I first entered a relationship with DH and he told me horrendous things about BM, I let it slide. After all, there are two sides to every story and I choose not to assume or judge. It was only after I witnessed those behaviors first had toward DH, myself and the kids that I grew to intensely dislike her. Do I carry around anger and baggage? YUP. But for those things that BM is doing present tense.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

After all, I have two previous marriages that were not as happy as this one, and yes, I grew as a person through it all. Regret that I am such a slow learner. LOL.

DH and I have one of those really tight marriages where we mesh on all levels. We even work together. I do wish we had met sooner and avoided a lot of the pain we both went through. He is an awesome dad, took care of his kids when they were sick, etc. I wish I could have experienced giving birth to his child and seeing his face when presented with the baby. That would have been special.

So, yeah, before we got married, I did feel like BM had "my" husband first, got to have his kids and the dog and the house. Didn't appreciate it, dumb a88. He is one in a million and the smartest, funniest, kindest person I know.

It's too late for us to have kids. We enjoy the kid-free lifestyle anyway. (Skids are older, live with BM)

I prefer not to hear or think about any time they were 'happy." But then I know that she twisted his arm into marriage (and he planned the wedding, do you believe it, lazy butt just picked out her dress. She is the laziest person I ever met) and they never had what we do. He wants an annulment so we can get our marriage "blessed." It already is, of course, and I am grateful that I finally found real love.

I am bothered by the fact that my fiancee has no tolerance of any mention of his XW. Even in normal conversations on relevant topics such as the annulment paperwork or our other business I get the nasty voice "leave the ex's out of this. She still pesters him for financial support even though his legal obligation ended in Sept but he wants to support his daughter until she graduates from college in May..

He married the divorcee XW when she became pregnant and they were married for 4 years where she had affairs then divorced him for cruel and unusual punishment.

Is this a forewarning of things to come? And should we be able to have discussion on her as needed in a non-threatening way?