What to do about stepkids that undermine your relationship
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we have agreed that we will marry and have our own family. He has two girls 16 and 11. When we argue it seems to be about the kids and my perception of the lack of respect and authority they have for me and/or their dad. More and more the oldest seems to be influencing her dad into things that I have already said no to and to getting her dad out of purchasing certain gifts for me (which are petty but go the fact of her manipulation of him).
A few months ago we had made the decision to start trying to conceive. But as state employees our income were reduced by 15% respectively. So last week my boyfriend said we had to wait a year, to which I was severely disappointed but understood. This week Sam tells me that in 6 weeks her puppy is coming to live with us, WHAT? Last year her dad and I had a HUGE disagreement about a dog, citing the fact that I am the only one who care for the two dogs we have now and did not want another one. But when I asked him how we had money for a dog and not for a baby, all I got was "this is because its for Sam huh" or "you can't compare the two". Never wanting to see my point of view.
How do I explain this to him without coming across as a witch? Should I even try? I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. I am in love with this man and made a conscious decision to open my heart to his children as well. I cook, clean, pick them up from school, help provide for their needs at our home. Am I doing to much? Am I not doing enough?
Can someone give me some advice.:?
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you can suggest that sd's contribute the cost of up keep for the dog.(either do extra chores or get a job doing something that makes money ie, babysitting)
Also, i am in the process of wanting to get pregnant. To be honest i find your husbands lack of understanding completely inconsiderate, and i understand your frustration completely!!!
to say and do something is very different, BUT, in your shoes, i could see my self saying, "fine, if the dog comes, they will care for it, and if they dont and i at any time have to pick up the slack, i will find a new home for it immediately no second chances!!"
another thing, yes kids are expensive, but it seems that fh is willing to make sacrifices and find money for things that are important to the girls....the baby is important to you, i say he find a way to "fit" it in as well!
Amen Smnikki
I second every word you say
My first word of advice
Is don't even THINK about getting married to this guy until these issues are resolved. It's very common in these kinds of situations for the partner with children to think that his wants/needs, or his family's wants/needs, should come before the girlfriend/partner's. Especially if you don't have children of your own, there isn't as much "weight" on your side of the equation. So, in his mind, YOU are being integrated into HIS life, and YOU are the one who should assimilate into the way HE and HIS family does things. Therefore, YOUR feelings and YOUR way of doing things should take a back seat.
Absolutely do not let this happen. This is the classic pattern in the remarriages that end in divorce. If he is doing this now, it will be much, much worse once you get married.
I strongly suggest you read the book Stepmonster. It will give you a much better idea of what is in store for you and the many, many land mines in stepparenting situations. Once you've read it, give it to your BF and have him read all of it or the parts you think are most relevant.
My own personal take is this: no remarriage can survive unless both people believe that: 1) their partner is their primary relationship (that is, that decisions about home life are made with the spouse/partner, NOT between parent and child); 2) both partners believe strongly that each one of them is equally important, and represents 50% of the decision-making power in the household; 3) If one of the spouses is not okay with something that the children want to do, then the other spouse should respect that and recognize that that spouse's feelings are valid and need to be respected (see #2).
Again, buy the book Stepmonster, and really think about what your role has been in this relationship, and whether you can live with the way your BF treats you and reacts to your wants and needs.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Stepkids can only undermine you if DH allows it
It all goes back to him. If he's not going to make you a priority, I would seriously rethink your relationship.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"