Hi everyone,

While I'm not married, I have been dating this man for a little over a year. He has a little girl who is five years old. Our relationships are really great; my boyfriend makes a huge effort to include me in their family, sometimes to the point where I need to back off for fear that there will be not enough Daddy-daughter time. Both of them are great, and I'm really glad that I'm a part of their family. Even though things are great, as we know sometimes it gets a little hectic (especially with a five year old involved).

I must switch over, away from my relationship with the both of them but to their relationship. My boyfriend is a great and caring dad. The problem I have is that our discipline levels are not equal. I don't have any kids, so I'm not exactly in the position that can understand what's going on (besides common sense); however, my parents are extremely wonderful, though growing up they were very strict with my brother and me. I'm not complaining about that. In fact, I think that being a little more strict is a good thing. I feel that my boyfriend often times lets his daughter get away with things because he doesn't see her as often as he likes along with the plentitude of other reasons he would let her get away with things. It doesn't help that he really doesn't get along with his ex on a discipline level.

I often times find myself wanting to help discipline my boyfriend's daughter, because some of her outbursts are just not exceptable- I will return here to ask advice in a moment. I feel torn. She really likes me and often times wants to play exclusively, which is great because we have a lot of fun. I want to help discpline a little, although I would much prefer if my boyfriend could completely handle the situation. It is not that he doesn't handle it in his own way, but often times I want to help. I don't want to over discpline, yet I also dono't want to let her walk all over me from lack of saying anything. What is a good balance here? How would I talk to my boyfriend about being a united front and should I even talk to him about it?

Here I will return to the reoccuring problem which keeps causing temper tantrums.The daughter keeps pooping and peeing in her pants, which is very frustrating. They already brought her to the doctor so there are no serious issues, but my theory is stubborness and a need for control. We've tried scolding, ignoring, shaming, rewarding, and the like. It seems like she has just stopped caring about whether or not she's pooping in her pants. I know that she is embarrassed by it- she makes my boyfriend promise not to tell me when she's done it and about the deals they make. As all little kids will say, every time is the last time! Tonight, we were watching a movie. She had gone to the bathroom right before we started and then about twenty minutes into it she pooped in her pants. I suggested that we stop the movie after that. It turned into such a scene as I have never seen. My boyfriend was considering letting her finish the movie after this blowout and I convinced him that it was a bad idea. Instead, we read a book and she was perfectly content. Is this kind of intervention alright? I am positive that letting her finish the movie would have cemented the understanding that she can get away with bad behavior. My boyfriend didn't say anything to me, and I am probably over-analyzing, but I don't want to get in any sorts of trouble. If anyone could give me any advice I'd be most grateful. Thank you.