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for those with troubled skids, a question

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 8:32am

Is it worth it?

I am asking myself this question often lately. I love my FDH with all my heart. We have a great relationship, and he was one of my best friends for years before we ended up together. I have no doubt that he is the one for me. skid2 is great as well - we love each other and he is overall a wonderful child.

However, skid1 is an issue. He has serious problems, and I don't see him being out of the house at 18 unless he's in jail. He is violent and destructive. I have a hard time wanting to spend money on home improvements, etc, when that kid is just going to come around and destroy it. I have a hard time just being in his presence because he's just unpleasant and demanding when he's not in a rage. He claims he "blacks out" when he gets angry and destructive. I think it's just a way of deflecting responsibility for his actions, but either way it's super scary. {btw, he is in intensive counseling and on medications which have helped, but not enough}.

I suppose my biggest issue is that I want to have a child of my own. The time is running out for that and it makes me really sad. FDH is willing to have a child with me, but I will not bring a baby into the world when skid1 is so unstable. What kind of shitty parent would I be if I had a baby knowing his/her brother had the potential to harm it in a "black out"?

So it comes down to staying with FDH and giving up the chance to be a mom, or leaving the love of my life to pursue single parenthood.

Either way it sucks.

Comments

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 9:11am

He has said many times that he will not support and enable his kids as adults. I just worry because skid1 has NO coping skills or life skills, and I doubt he will be capable of supporting himself at 18. Plus, that's 5 loooooooooong years away and by then, even if he is out of the house, I will likely be too old to conceive. Goddamned biological clock.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 9:06am

this is a highly personal question and choice. the real question is can you live with the resentment you will have if you do not have a child with DH?

if you have not had a child and want a child then I think you may need to see if pursuing that life choice is really what you want and if it is then you may need to make a very difficult decision.

personally, if I didnt have a child and wanted a child and DH wsnt willing due to one of his spawns I would leave the relationship in search of the father to my future baby.

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 9:34am

My heart goes out to you. I truly cannot imagine having a baby or young child grow up around the shit skid1 pulls. Example: yesterday he was mad because FDH wouldn't - after working a 10 hour day and going to court FOR SKID1's transgressions - cart him across town to window shop (read: beg) for expensive shit he's not going to get. He went into a rage and 1) broke his precious precious phone 2) kicked a very heavy mirror, which caused it fall off the wall and destroy the wall behind it. All that over some dumb shit.

It's very depressing. I was previously married to a man I didn't really love but who had the same goals as me and wanted children. I was miserable, and am thankful every day we didn't have kids so I don't ever have to see his joy-sucking face again. Now I am with a fantastic man I truly love and admire, and who would like another child with me, but his freaking kid makes that not an option.

Love51's picture

Submitted by Love51 on Thu, 05/02/2013 - 4:59pm

I wonder about this all the time.
If I would have known then what I know now, I would have run far, far away from SS14. (See his diagnosis on my bio). Ha, when I first met FDH, he described his son as only "highly gifted and intelligent” when really it should have been “highly disturbed and inappropriate” . He is lucky we fell in love before it all came out.
SS's issues are an ongoing and constant issue.
FDH and I have discussed having a child, he wants to get it "right" the next time around, like have a "normal" kid.
I really want to plan for a child but I don’t want any child of mine around SS and he isn’t even violent. And, he is so behind in school he won’t be done with high school till he is at least 19, maybe 20. There is no end.
What can we do, we fell in love with great men with problem children. My FDH really is amazing with the exception of his problem son. I still want my future and my future shouldn’t be dependent on a child with their own issues. So, I will make sure I have my life (and I do hope to have one child) and if SS doesn’t allow for it then I will move on. That’s how I deal with it.
Best of luck, you aren't alone.